I have been dreading this post.
10 years of blogging, 6,730,925 lifetime page views, 1864 posts, and 55,968 comments.
Those numbers don't mean anything to me though.
10 years spent writing, 10 years spent sharing what is dearest to me in photos, 10 years of growth, 10 years of change, 10 years of memories, 10 years worth of friendship and encouragement gifted to me by all of you.
Those are the numbers that matter to me.
My family is going through something that is really painful and humbling right now.
If you and I were ever to sit down over coffee (or better yet, a stiff drink), I'd tell you about all of it. I wouldn't hold back anything. I'd tell you about the day everything changed and how I sat in the passenger seat of a dear friend's car, with the window rolled down because I needed air, how sweet her prayer and comfort was, and how I just sat there for an hour and a half without speaking a word before she took me home. I'd tell you how broken my husband looked waiting by the front door for me, and how we sat on the floor of our bathroom together for hours that evening with very few words and what felt like endless tears, wondering how our family could recover. I'd tell you about how it felt to keep drifting off to sleep that first night (and many nights since) only to be stirred awake time and time again by the weight of our new reality. I'd tell you about Ross driving home from Seattle the next day to help us wade through all of the pain and decisions. I'd tell you about a five hour hike Josh and I went on in the snow just because we couldn't bear to be in our own home and how I fell asleep with his arm around me while sitting on a rock on top of the mountain. I'd tell you about the time I spent in the car with Ross driving through the long and windy roads of the Applegate Valley for no other reason than to talk. I'd tell you about the phone call I got telling me that a sweet friend of mind had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and how all I could do was run (literally) to try to find a brief escape from what felt like pain heaping up on top of pain. I'd tell you all the ways in which my husband has amazed me. I'd tell you about how it has felt to watch my kids wade through the depths of this. I'd tell you about how hard it felt to face people I love. I'd tell you about fear. I'd tell you about painful conversations. I'd tell you about the hurt and confusion my kids are feeling. I'd tell you about the first time I caught myself laughing after everything changed and how it made me feel simultaneously guilty and hopeful. I'd tell you about how it felt to write the details of what happened in an email to all 64 of the women in the current workshop I'm teaching (A Year in the Making) and how much they blessed me with support, encouragement, and love. I'd tell you about how I couldn't bring myself to take a single photo during the holidays. I'd tell you what it feels like to experience the judgment of others. I'd tell you about all the individual worries I've felt for each of my kids. I'd tell you about some hard decisions we had to make. I'd tell you about how much I have longed for God's perfect justice to be exercised rather than the faulty justice of humans, which could prove to be too harsh or too lenient. I'd tell you how many times I sat across from my husband, watching him try to hide his tears. I'd tell you about how exposed and vulnerable I felt. I'd tell you about how I refused to talk to God for three days. And I'd tell you about all the people who poured into my life when I had nothing to give them back in return.
I'd tell you the verse I posted (Isaiah 43:18-21) on my bathroom mirror just days before everything changed without knowing how God was trying to prepare my heart for what was to come:
Do not call upon the former things or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new.
Now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
I'd tell you about the night I sat in my car for two hours, reading a book that had been sent to me by a friend (a student who was chosen to receive a free spot in the current workshop I'm teaching), called Shattered Dreams, God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy by Larry Crab and feeling real hope for the first time since everything changed. And how when I emailed her to tell her how much I appreciated the book, she helped me to see how for eight years (possibly longer), God had been making plans to comfort me and provide me with hope during this time. She said:
"I am aware that there is a reality that my friend, Penny, told me about you in 2007, so that I could tell my friend, Rachel, about you, so that she could take your photography workshop and become your friend, so that she would nominate me to be gifted with a spot in A Year in the Making, so that you would prayerfully choose me, so that during this important moment of shattered dreams in your heart and family, that God would invite me to send you this book. He. is. that. big."
I'd tell you about how I'm learning that if I want deep, unshakable joy in my life, that my hope has got to be built on nothing other than the Lord. My husband is the best man I know, but my hope cannot be built on him because he could leave me, he could get cancer, or he could let me down in 100 lesser ways. My kids are wonderful, but my hope cannot be built on them because there's no guarantee about how they'll turn out, there's no guarantee that they won't become estranged from me one day, and there's no guarantee that they won't break my heart 100 different times. My hope cannot be built on my friends because sometimes, friends are only for a season. My hope can't be built on my career, because I'm on my third career right now, and not one of them has lasted. My hope cannot be built on my health because I'm destined to die one day, just like everyone else. My hope cannot be built on my retirement plan because plans are not promises. And my hope cannot be built on my appearance (good thing I've never been pretty enough to base any sort of hope on what I look like) because the wrinkles and the grey hair, they are a'comin. Jesus is the only thing in this ever-changing world that is unchangeable, and because of that, He is the only safe place to build our identities, our homes, and our hopes.
I'd tell you how I'm beginning to see that I don't need certain outcomes, or a life that looks a certain way, because I've got a certain God.
I'd tell you about how many times I've cried recently, listening to the simple words of this song.
I'd also tell you how confident I am that five years from now (perhaps sooner) I will be able to look back on this painful season of my family's life, and I will be able to see all of the fruit that came from it and will be able to use it to help, comfort, and love people better because of it.
I just know it.
But here on this blog, I can't tell the full story because it's not my story to share.
And (for the time being at least) everything just feels too raw and too broken for me to continue blogging.
I could choose to feel really sad about saying goodbye to this blog (because it does feel really sad to me), and I could choose to feel resentful about the circumstances that have brought me to this point (because they are really crappy circumstances), but I'm not going to. The 10 years I spent on this blog and the friends I've made along the way have been beautiful, so with the wise words of Dr. Suess in mind, I'm not going to cry because it's over, I'm going to smile because it happened.
I'll plan to hop on one more time in the coming weeks to let you all know what I'll be doing business-wise (with The Photographers' Workshop, Making the Shot, future tutorials, and A Year in the Making).
And know that if I could somehow bottle up 10 years worth of love and thanks to send to each one of you, I would.
But if you ever find yourself driving on Interstate-5, past Central Point, Oregon, feel free to hit me up for that drink.
Karen,
I pray you know that you never walk alone. Sending prayers your way.
Posted by: Terri Garrett | January 08, 2016 at 06:47 AM
Oh Karen, I am sitting at work with tears rolling down my face. Which all seems so silly because you and I have never formally met. I have been following you here for all 10 years. I have seen your family grow and I have seen you grow. You have inspired me with your tremendous talent of taking photos, you have inspired me with your Faith, you have inspired me with your running. In a silly way, I knew if we were to ever have met outside of a screen we would have been friends. My friend and I joked often about meeting our "Josh Downs". I don't read blogs anymore, but everyday during the week I stop in to see if you have written. Last year I visited Oregon, and I loved every moment of it. I wanted to visit Oregon because of your photos. I think every one of the sentiments on these comments lets you know just how much you are loved and respected. I pray for your family. I pray that you find peace in this storm. I surely will miss you here.
Posted by: Kim | January 08, 2016 at 07:19 AM
Karen,
I am so so sorry. So very sorry for you and your family. Over the years, you have become a friend to all of us and you are loved and precious. Nothing changes that or our desire to walk this journey with you; to support and care for you. It is my hope that our love and prayers for you will carry you. I know all those good things about God are absolutely true. I pray that you and your family will feel His love, protection and sustenance today and each day. I pray that soon you will see and feel the beauty from ashes. Isaiah 43:2-4. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Strong loving hugs!
Posted by: Laura C | January 08, 2016 at 07:19 AM
Karen I have been a faithful blog reader for all of your 10 years. I purchased your scrapbook products because I loved them. I have flown down to Southern California twice to take your photography workshop because I knew that I could learn from you and subsequently enrolled in your online course to take my photography skills to an even higher level. I have laughed and cried at hundreds of posts over the years and will miss you and your family terribly. I am not all that far from you and I would get in my car right now to come take you for that drink and to give you a hug for all the happiness you have brought to my little corner of the world these last 10 years. I wouldn't hesitate, not for a second.
And for the record, I agree with everything you have said. My favorite Psalm is 46:10; be still and know that I am God. I have to walk that everyday knowing that I am not in control (which is so hard for us type A personalities), He is...that every painful thing I have gone through He has brought me out the other side and when I look back after the clouds lift I can see where He walked beside me and where He carried me.
Do not hesitate to reach out, I would jump in that car in a heart beat.
Posted by: Dolly Dykhouse | January 08, 2016 at 07:34 AM
Sending up prayers for God to comfort you and your family and give you peace to get thru whatever is going on in your life right now. Like many others I will miss reading this blog.
Posted by: terri | January 08, 2016 at 07:47 AM
Prayers for comfort, strength and courage for you as you go through this season of your life. You are never, ever alone - reach out to Him in every circumstance.
Posted by: Linda J | January 08, 2016 at 11:07 AM
I will miss your blog posts, but family comes first. It is hard to know what to say, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Posted by: Yvonne | January 08, 2016 at 12:32 PM
You are and have always been an inspiration to me. I am in awe of your strength, honesty and brave heart. I wish you health and happiness and love, lots and lots of love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me into the life of your beautiful little family. God Bless You x
Posted by: Michelle Last | January 08, 2016 at 12:37 PM
I'll miss your photos, miss your insight, miss your talent. Sending thoughts and love x take care x
Posted by: Mel | January 08, 2016 at 12:58 PM
Going to miss this blog so much due to the HUGE inspiration you have always been! Thank you for keeping Jesus in the center and I will keep my prayers going for all of you.
Posted by: Colette | January 08, 2016 at 01:02 PM
I have been reading your words, studying your photos, and watching your family morph and grow from a distance for years. I'm so sad to hear that your family is in such a painful season. But I believe in my heart that it is a season. And the beautiful thing is that seasons change. And when you find yourself in another season and are back to sharing your story in photos words, I will be waiting. Whether that's here or elsewhere. In the meantime may you continue to find the strength, grace, and guidance that you need to continue weathering this storm.
Posted by: Yolanda | January 08, 2016 at 05:43 PM
God Bless You, Karen
Posted by: Robyn :) | January 08, 2016 at 06:05 PM
I check your blog EVERY DAY...fingers crossed that you post that day. I love your blog for too many reasons to list, although I will try. Your stories are so real, so helpful to those of us struggling to be the best mom, the best friend, the best memory preserver, the best photographer. You throw yourself out there-you become our friend. I was sad that you hadn't posted in so long but thought you were just busy with your class. Then I saw the first line and it almost brought me to tears-you, too, were phasing out blogging. It was personal to me, which is so strange to say to a virtual stranger. Then I read your post and was devastated for your family. I am so, so sorry for your pain. Your words, as always, were so eloquent. I'm sure every one of your readers were crying with you. Something that deep, that devastating...unimaginable. Please know that we are rooting for you and your family. We will always be here, eager to read your words. Take care and God bless.
Posted by: staci | January 08, 2016 at 08:02 PM
Karen if you were near me I would give you the biggest strongest heartfelt hug. I have read your blog and watched your children grow up and your talent blossom. Your sharing of life has touched my heart. Your words have been beautiful and brutally honest. My prayers are with you and your family. Strength, Comfort & Love <3
Posted by: JustMeShann | January 08, 2016 at 09:25 PM
My heat aches for the pain in your words. I know not what to say to comfort you. Only I wish you and your family strength. And I'll be right here waiting for you when, and if you decided you'd like to return. love & hugs,
Posted by: Robin | January 09, 2016 at 01:42 AM
I'm so sorry. whatever it is, I'm so sorry you're hurting.
*hugs*
Posted by: Sasha Farina | January 09, 2016 at 04:03 AM
Karen,
I am heartbroken, selfishly so, but I am.
Many more times than I can count I came here and read the exact words I needed to hear. Your insight and wisdom offered me hope to carry on when I couldn't see the light. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sending you wishes of comfort and peace.
With much love and sincere gratitude,
Jodie
Posted by: jm | January 09, 2016 at 08:12 AM
I've no idea what you're going through, but the words you wrote could've been straight from my mouth 5 years ago, 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago. I haven't leaned on God as much as I should have but you remind me that that's what I need to do. Life has finally gotten better in the last year and I'm here to tell you that while there are no words, no words at all, to describe the pain of the 4 previous years, my family survived it and that's all I ever wanted. I KNOW the devastation you are feeling, Karen, and I pray that the moments of reprieve will be enough to keep you going, keep you strong. You are loved.
Posted by: Milli D | January 09, 2016 at 08:40 AM
You and your family are in my prayers. ((Hugs))
Posted by: Zora | January 09, 2016 at 02:29 PM
While my words seem almost unworthy of the gratitude I actually have for finding your blog a few years back, witnessing your incredible gift of life photography and listening to your heart, I can only say "Thank you." Thank you for sharing yourself with us... virtual strangers, yet fast friends... through your honest, loving, heartfelt words and your incredible photographs. Like everyone above, I'll miss your blog and it will pain me to take your icon off my "favorites" page. (Although, i'm not sure I'll actually do that... ha!) I can only give you back love and support and honest words, just as you've done for all of your blog readers and students. Go forth in this world and continue to use your gift of word, photography and love... you will get through whatever it is and you and your family will be whole. You have spoken the honest words of Dr. Seuss (and my personal favorite quote!)... definitely smile because this blog did happen. And, it was good. xoxo...
Posted by: Debi | January 09, 2016 at 05:18 PM
Years ago, I stumbled upon your blog in search of information on photography. I kept coming back to your blog not only because of the beautiful photos, but because of your willingness to share you beautiful family. I believed that if we lived in the same town we could actually be friends. You are such a beautiful person and I appreciate how much you have given of yourself over the last 10 years. My heart breaks for you and your family. Remember, that we will be here, if and when you ever want to talk. Hugs!
Posted by: Charlotte | January 09, 2016 at 05:27 PM
{{{{{Karen}}}} I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope that the light and happiness will back in your life sooner rather than later.
Posted by: Tinka | January 09, 2016 at 07:21 PM
Karen thank you so much for all your blog posts,I have read most of them,and I have followed you for a long time,and even though I personally don't know you,I feel like I know you. I am so sorry for your pain ,never easy my husband and I both lost parents last year and the loss never leaves you, but it does get better day by day. So thank you Karen for letting me into a glimpse of you life I am going to really miss your blog. But I wish you,and you family many blessing for the days ahead,and I love that you used a Dr Seuss quote he is also a favourite of mine. I live in Auckland New Zealand take care - lesley Bryant💕
Posted by: Lesley Bryant | January 09, 2016 at 09:17 PM
So sad to hear of your troubles. Hang in there, hold tight to your family and get well (in whatever sense that may be needed). I can't remember how I came across your blog, but it's been many years that I've been following you and your beautiful family. Please know that you have given a lady in Massachusetts many enjoyable and thoughtful moments through your funny, insightful, honest, faith-driven words and amazing photos.
Posted by: Karen | January 10, 2016 at 08:25 AM
It's ridiculous (but totally true) to say I will miss you but miss you I will as I've followed your blog for years. Like so many others have said, I hope with you for peace and Joy. Not in the future but NOW. Living in my tiny part of the UK, I can't say when I might ever be in your "neck of the woods" but if I am, I will surely look you up. May God Bless you richly, lavishly, and in abundance.
Posted by: Debs Holliday | January 10, 2016 at 01:09 PM
Wow. I'm late the party, as usual. Wow. Totally floored. Wow. Totally respect your decision. Wow. Wishing I could give you a big hug. So I guess I am sending you a cosmic hug. I WILL continue to be so very thankful for your presence in my life. In the brief moment that I capture with my camera that express what a thousand words couldn't say, I am so very thankful for you. Like many good friends, we will pick up where we left off, or not as the case may be. But, for better or worse, you are a piece in the fabric of my life. Thank you.
Posted by: Irene | January 10, 2016 at 01:16 PM
I'm so sorry for your hurt Karen ... Praying you can continue to lean on and trust in God as he carries you through this difficult time. One of my regrets last year was not doing the "year in the making course" and I have continually looked up your blog to see if there were any snippets of that and your journey and wisdom to glean from - I'm so so sorry that the reason for your silence was your pain. God has got this and He's got you and your family in the palm of His hand. The blogging world will miss you and your fun and honest posts but you've got a greater work to do with your family for now. I will miss you but will welcome you back in a heartbeat! Prayers and love! 😘❤️
Posted by: Sheen | January 10, 2016 at 01:36 PM
it may be selfish but I wish I didn't read your post
i didn't want to hear that you are hurting
i didn't want to worry about you and your family
i didn't want to know that you are going to stop blogging
but....i will continue to stop by daily (as I have done over the past 10 years) to see if there is anything new that you have chosen to share
miss you already
Posted by: laura j | January 10, 2016 at 02:23 PM
Dear Karen...There is not much I can say that has not already been said by so many people who follow and love you...and your family. I know your storm is fierce but always remember that God is so much bigger than that storm...and He will calm your storm...in His time ! I wish there was a way to reach out and just give you a hug, but distance does not allow that. I hope you sense how much you are loved. So for now, I will just say...see you soon my friend.
Drop me an email if you need someone to talk to!
Posted by: Mona Hernandez | January 10, 2016 at 04:38 PM
Hi Karen
I think I have followed your blog for most of the ten years you have written them. I'm so sorry you are giving it up and I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. I hope things work out for you. You have a wonderful family and you are a wonderful mother and I have often read your posts looking for ways I could improve myself. I will miss your blog but I will look forward to the day when you will hopefully return. Take care. Xxx
Posted by: Megan | January 11, 2016 at 12:58 AM
This post had me in tears...I have no idea, what's happened, but the raw emotions are showing in each and every word of yours...I really wish you all the best and hope you'll not be vanishing completely and forever online. I've been following you and your family#s story for so long and I really do hope everything turns out well for you. You'll be hugely missed.
xoxo Sandra
Posted by: Sandra Klary | January 11, 2016 at 01:26 AM
Can't even comprehend the pain you're going through right now. Just know that so many people are thankful for all that you've done for us. Than you for teaching the Photographers Workshop, that's how I met you. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I will miss you so much. Take care internet friend, my prayers will be with you xx
Posted by: Val | January 11, 2016 at 03:05 AM
LOVE YOU!
Posted by: Crystal | January 11, 2016 at 05:48 AM
My heart is breaking for you and whatever you and your family are going through. I have been checking your blog every day for the past few months, wondering what had happened to you. I am sorry that it was not just a needed break that you needed but what sounds likes so much more. And even though we have never met and I don't really know you, I have followed you for almost all of the 10 years you have been blogging and I have laughed and cried with you through your words. Our daughters are just about a month apart and I have loved hearing all of the stories about Annie that are so similar to my own daughter. I lift you and your family up in prayer and pray for a comfort and peace for you. And I pray that one day, when you are ready and healing has happened, that I will once again get to read your wonderful words. God Bless.
Vicki
Posted by: Vicki Aday | January 11, 2016 at 08:25 AM
God brought you all to this situation (I know you know that), and He will bring you THROUGH this situation. Growth and new depth of faith will be found here. My family lived in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. We stayed in our home throughout the storm. 10 days later, we headed north for shelter and for medicine and food for my children and elderly parents (who have lived with us since 2003). God's elegant plan for our lives not only brought us all safely through a Hurricane, but it moved us across the country to a better life for each and every member of our family. Have faith, my friend. His plan is in action. His plan for your life - His plan for your family's life - and His plan for your hearts. Play your part in this act of your life with dignity, quiet reflection, prayerful words, loving gestures and reassurances, and joy for the future (even a future that you cannot imagine yet).... and your life will earn the Oscar at the close of the curtain.
I would encourage you not to close your blog. It's your decision, of course... but what an incredible outreach of faith you have built here! God has given you the ability to touch so many lives for Him - to uplift and encourage with your words of honesty and humbleness. That's a rare gift indeed! My hope is that your heart will be reminded of your value not just to your family, but to the greater world as well - and inspired to write on.
I Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
Galatians 6:9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
Hebrews 10:36 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
Colossians 3:23-25 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
You've been given a gift, Karen. Use it to heal yourself. Use it to uplift yourself. Vent. Rage. Cry. Then Heal. Live. Smile.
We will be praying for you - and for your lovely family.
Posted by: =^..^= | January 11, 2016 at 09:44 AM
My heart is breaking for you. I will pray for you and your family. I hope you are able to feel peace and strength at this time. Hugs!!
Posted by: Alicia | January 11, 2016 at 09:54 AM
Thank you for your 10 years of blogging, Karen! You have touched me. I am so sorry to hear of this life changing event that is causing your family pain.
Thank you for sharing Isaiah 43. I am also going thru a life change and I will bind it to my heart. I would like to share Philippians 4:4.
xoxo
Posted by: Sandy Wiley | January 11, 2016 at 12:29 PM
Oh Karen. I'm so sorry for whatever you and your family are going through. I hope one day you will come back to this spot and I will keep checking back just in case. Until then I'm sending you peace in the midst and hoping you find your way out the other side stronger.
Posted by: Jen@thecottagenest | January 11, 2016 at 01:50 PM
Oh dear. I read this post with great angst. A lump swelled up in my throat as I read, but I managed to contain it. Then I read the comments from all your blog friends, and the tears flowed. You are loved here. Your wise words, meaningful stories, beautiful family, and lovely photography has graced my life for more years than I can remember. God bless you. I send love and will include you in my daily prayers.
Posted by: Penny | January 11, 2016 at 02:03 PM
I'm so sorry for your pain. Praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Audrey V | January 11, 2016 at 03:48 PM
Dear Karen,
Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with us. I have been feeling like something was just not right, whenever I clicked and there was not a new post. I have loved every part of knowing you....from 2 Peas, to CKU's to taking your class, to Jim Fay, and much more.....it all felt "right". I am confident that you will get through this, and the "light will shine again". Remember the parable of the broken pottery, and that it is only through the cracks that the light can shine through. My heart, my prayers and my love go out to you. I hope there will be a way to keep a connection between you and those of us that adore you and your soul. You will be missed, and I hope that you remember that you are loved! Thank you for being brave, for sharing your heart. Sending huge hugs to you, my friend!
Posted by: janel | January 11, 2016 at 05:48 PM
Oh Karen, my heart hurts for you. Although we don't always understand, there is nothing that flows into our life that God hasn't allowed. And no matter how difficult and painful are experiences are, from experiences I've had I know that He can bring so much good out of them by drawing us closer to Himself, allowing us to see how much He loves us and fights for us, and a glimpse of how big He is. There are some books I would recommend: "Beautiful Battlefields" by Bo Stern, and "Self Talk, Soul Talk" by Jennifer Rothschild (especially chapter 5 section on the roaring lion), and "When God Doesn't Fix It" by Laura Story. Anything by Priscilla Shirer is awesome, and if you haven't seen the movie "War Room," you need to see it. While it's about a couple struggling, you can definitely take things away from it for your situation including ways you can pray and tackle this thing with God! I would recommend keeping a journal so you can see how God is moving on your behalf during this time and when you can't bear it, look back and see how He has been faithful. A couple favorite verses are Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." and Psalm 105:4 "Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually." Thank you for everything you've given over the years, I enjoyed your photography workshop so much. Thank you for being so open over the years too. The Lord used you many times to minister to my heart and help me see things more clearly. I'm going to miss your blog terribly (I've been reading since Annie was tiny!), but please know that you and your family will be in my prayers. Whenever you do what the Lord is leading you to do and what's best for you and your family, you do the right thing. You are doing the right thing! If I were there I would give you a big hug and we could share a box of tissues. Praying peace, comfort and healing for you with love.
Posted by: Holly | January 11, 2016 at 06:18 PM
Oh....my heart weeps for yours. You don't know me....but I feel like I know you. I am saddened I won't get to pop over here from time to time to see how much the kids are growing, see your beautiful photos and sense the emotions captured in your work and relationships. My heart grieves for you during this painful time. I, too, have been there. I am a pastor's wife, and I know the feeling of walking down a dark road and not being able to share it - not because God hasn't blessed me with beautiful friendships, but for the privacy of those involved. I have been there where I felt I could barely breathe. Excruciating ache. I have been to the valleys but praise God I have also been to the mountaintops. I pray as you are on this journey that you will be able to hear the voice of truth and that God will be so close you can feel him. This was the scripture I held to and continue to cling to...."See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me" Isaiah 49:16 or the message version, “Can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget, I’d never forget you—never. Look, I’ve written your names on the backs of my hands. The walls you’re rebuilding are never out of my sight". Karen- you are engraved in the palms of his hands. I will miss you. Be blessed. (If you're ever in Twin Falls, Idaho - I would LOVE to meet you!)
Posted by: Alaina Bennett | January 11, 2016 at 07:50 PM
I am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through such a challenging time. Just wanted to say thank you for all of your posts over the years. You've managed to inspire me, make me laugh, and make me cry - all likely in equal measure. No matter what comes your way, I have no doubt that your little light is going to keep shining. Wishing you all the best and, if you ever come back, we'll all be here to give you a big virtual hug <3
Posted by: carrie | January 11, 2016 at 08:29 PM
Prayers for you and your family- God is in control and He will bring you thru this!
Jenny
Posted by: Jenny | January 12, 2016 at 06:32 AM
Dear karen, I posted yesterday but when I came back and looked, I didn't see it...and I just wanted to be sure that you know how much I care about you and that I am truly keeping you close to my heart. I am so sorry you are going through difficult times, and that the stress of life is weighing heavily upon you. I hope that the love and support you feel from your online and face to face friends gives you comfort and strength. I am reminded about the parable of the cracked pottery...and it is through the cracks that the light can shine....and the light will shine for you again. The clouds will move on...and things will be different, but with your faith, your support, and your strength, you will prevail. Please know that the memories from years past...2 Peas, CKU's, your Photographer's workshop and of course Jim Fay classes....will be forever near and dear to me. I still have your first transparencies, and cannot bring myself to use any of them, simply because it is like "good china".....and I want to save them. You are the best...and know that you are so loved. Forgive if this is a 2nd post. Big caring warm hugs!
Posted by: janel | January 12, 2016 at 07:57 AM
"If God is on my side then who can be against me?
In this wasteland where I'm living there is a crack in the door filled with light, and it's all that I need to get by,
In this wasteland where I'm living there is crack in the door filled with light, and it's all that I need to shine......."
(Needtobreathe Rivers in the Wasteland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqZhOrXAJBQ&sns=em)
Take that crack in the door & try to ShiNe! I have followed your blog for years and your posts have given me hope, inspiration & strength. Sending love, prayers & hope to you & your family.
Posted by: Leah | January 12, 2016 at 11:25 AM
May you find peace and happiness in this long journey. I will so miss checking in every now and then on you and your family all the way across the US. Praying for you and hope to cross paths again one day soon!
Posted by: Mindy | January 12, 2016 at 12:03 PM
Love you, Karen. Love your family, Karen. Let's wait and see how God unfolds his love, grace, and mercy in your lives.
Posted by: Rachel Chaney | January 12, 2016 at 02:59 PM
You are always in my prayers dear friend.
May god keep you close during your time of need.
Posted by: Nicky Anderson & Family | January 12, 2016 at 04:37 PM
I m sorry. I feel as though I am losing a friend I never met. I m sorry for what you are going through. I will lift your family up in prayer and ask that God heal the hurts and send peace to your hearts.
Posted by: Kandi | January 12, 2016 at 05:22 PM
I'll buy you a drink. A Mojito for you & a Margarita for me. Looks like you have a lot of people praying for you, including me. Lots of hugs, from the girl who works at the Medford Costco.
Posted by: Libbi M. | January 12, 2016 at 06:05 PM
Karen - My heart is so sad to read of the pain you are going through. I wrote a comment for you last night, but I think I forgot to "post" it. So, I am attempting it again (sorry if it is a repeat). I just want you to know that I have so enjoyed hopping over to your blog from time to time over the years. I feel like I know you and your family, and I am really going to miss you. Thank you for sharing yourself with us over the years. I also just want you to know that my heart is breaking for yours. I don't know the story, but I have walked down a dark and lonely road of unbearable pain where I didn't know if I would be able to take my next breath. This is a scripture that the Lord gave me and I clung to....maybe you will find some comfort in it too. "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." In the Message it reads - "Can a mother forget the infant at her breast, walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget, I’d never forget you—never. Look, I’ve written your names on the backs of my hands. The walls you’re rebuilding are never out of my sight. Your builders are faster than your wreckers. The demolition crews are gone for good." Isaiah 49:16-17. Praying for peace over you. (And if you are ever find yourself in Twin Falls, ID - I would LOVE to meet you!!).
Posted by: Alaina Bennett | January 12, 2016 at 08:41 PM
Like others, I was also delighted to see a new post and then very, very sad to hear that you are stepping away, but understand completely that you must do what feels right at this stage of your life. I am so sorry you are going through a tough time and hope it passes soon. I have been visiting your blog since Annie was a toddler and have watched your family grow in so many ways which has been a real inspiration. Love and sincere best wishes from Manchester, England.
Posted by: Amanda | January 13, 2016 at 05:03 AM
I feel like I'm losing a friend. God speed and God bless.
Posted by: Tess S | January 13, 2016 at 01:31 PM
Hey Karen, Mandy here. Cali's cousin...I've been to your GP classes and your yard sale with Robyn :) I haven't commented in forever. Just wanted to say that I will life your family up in prayer. My brain jumps to the worst possible scenario...I hope I'm wrong. I am so glad the Lord has drawn close to you in this time. And He can handle your questions, fear, and even your rejection. He's big enough, He doesn't get scared off. Lots of love pouring your way. I'd love to do a thrift/antique shop day with you when we come visit next summer {we moved to Idaho a few months ago}Take care of your family...praying...
Posted by: mandy friend | January 13, 2016 at 04:26 PM
Karen, I have walked thru your life way back when we were all caught up with scrapbooking, the younger years and have watched you bring up your gorgeous boys on your own, your journey to meet Josh and then Annie. I've loved that you have been so open and sharing your life with us all. I will truly miss you here (Australia) - I will miss your Uncle's gorgeous faces, your family bond and most importantly, YOU!!! I wish you well on this new journey that lays ahead and may it only bring you more joy and happiness than what you are experiencing now. Take care xx
Posted by: Carolyne | January 13, 2016 at 06:56 PM
dear karen,
I am so so sorry for whatever you are going through. My heart hurts for you.
I have been reading your blog for the entire ten years. it's one of the ten that I check in on .
my husband died of cancer just this past august and let me tell you, it's horrible, but you just pick up the pieces and somehow go on.
I know you will too, I know you have such faith, God's strength and resilience. I am praying over your family right now for peace, love, and mostly for hope,
the Hope to move forward from whatever it is. my heart hurts for all of you.
I hope to hit you up one day for that drink, I would love that.
big hugs karen, you deserve only the best.
Posted by: tara pollard pakosta | January 14, 2016 at 07:41 AM
I'm so sorry to hear that your family is having a difficult time. So many sweet comments & so many lives you touched. Your blog is more than just a place for your story- you have created a beautiful community & you have inspired and encouraged so many. I hope one day you will be back here to let us know how we can support & love on you, returning to you all the kindness you've put out into the world.
Posted by: Amanda @ Click. The Good News | January 14, 2016 at 08:12 AM
Hi Karen. I have met you a couple times over the years and we both were in HOF and we both worked with CI and we both taught at SO. So I have known of you and respected you. A friend told me about your blog post as she takes your photography classes, so I came on to read this. i cried and my heart is broken for you. but most of all I was so inspired by your testimony of christ. I fell in love with this comment :Jesus is the only thing in this ever-changing world that is unchangeable, and because of that, He is the only safe place to build our identities, our homes, and our hopes." I am going to doodle it / paint it for you (and for me to frame). I'll send you it in an email if you want. I am so sorry this is such a tough time but with your belief in Christ, as you know, you will come out better. Of that I am sure! Love from CA (and would so love to hit you up for that drink and talk!)
Posted by: Suzy Plantamura | January 14, 2016 at 10:04 AM
Oh, you are such a sweet person and have a beautiful family. You will come through whatever has happened and since you trust in our God, you will be okay and probably better. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep your eyes toward the heavens....bless you.
Posted by: Debe | January 15, 2016 at 09:22 AM
May God bless you and your special family in this difficult time. I trust that you will find some unexpected treasure among the pieces you are picking up. I will miss your voice in my life.
Posted by: Anelia | January 15, 2016 at 11:13 AM
Thank you, Karen, for your words and your photographs. Wishing you light, love, and peace.
Posted by: Donna | January 15, 2016 at 03:52 PM
Love you Karen. I am sorry for your pain, I will miss your blog and your beautiful humanity, and am so so glad you have your faith, shaken as it might be. I am just picking up my Photographers Workshop binder again with my new camera...your class meant so much during a turning point in my life, I pray you will find the same blessing in yours. God be with you.
Posted by: Michelle Voelker | January 16, 2016 at 11:36 PM
Thank you for sharing your world with us. Thank you for sharing positive uplifting messages through your photography and more importantly through your actions and advice. You are a gifted, beautiful person. I did take your class. I wish it would have been in person. I am so challenged and you make it look so easy. Praying for much peace for you and your family. God's grace to you from Savannah,GA.
Posted by: RobynS | January 17, 2016 at 05:39 PM
I held my breath all through this post, thinking "please don't let it be ____". I'm guessing it is what I fear. Your words make me think it might be similar to what I went through in 2009. I wish we were friends so that I could share my story with you and encourage you. But no matter your story, you're right that God is the only one you can absolutely count on, and He is more than enough. I'll be praying for you and I hope some day you can blog again.
Posted by: Laura | January 18, 2016 at 10:05 PM
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing your heart and your family with us. Prayers and Hugs
Posted by: Angie | January 19, 2016 at 01:40 PM
I've read your blog for so many years. I cried reading this post, and then I reread it twice, thinking that I had missed what happened, through the tears. I then realized that you hadn't shared it. No matter what happened, I hope that your family has the strength to get through it. You'll appreciate having your amazing photos to look back on. God Bless.
Posted by: Amber D | January 19, 2016 at 05:23 PM
Your blog was such a joy!! You will be in my prayers. Love you so much!!! xoxo Hugs from Conroe, TX
Posted by: Nancy Wyatt | January 20, 2016 at 01:02 AM
In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.
Psalm 138:3
Posted by: s | January 20, 2016 at 07:06 PM
Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.
Psalm 50:15
Posted by: s | January 20, 2016 at 07:08 PM
May the peace of the Lord's everlasting love be upon you in your current circumstance.
Posted by: s | January 20, 2016 at 07:09 PM
Thank you. Simply put but it carries so much behind those words. May our Lord strengthen your family- may He give you peace in whatever you are going through. May you always remember that you are loved with an Everlasting Love, our Savior, Jesus!
Posted by: Heather | January 21, 2016 at 07:49 PM
Hello, Karen my friend you and I have never meet but we are friends according to me. I have read your blog for years. Back in the scrapbooking days my friend took a class of yours in Bend, Oregon. Then she told me to follow your blog. I was in a hard place when I started reading about you and your family. Through your stories I began to find faith again.
I have been a Christian since I was 6 years old raised in the church as a pastors kid I never had a reason to doubt or challenge anything. I was a good girl. One day a month before my 25 birthday it changed. My heart was broken in a way I never knew it could break. I was angry with God and even more with the church. Though the Lord He is faithful! He never gave up on me. He would put people across my path that I would see the Lords work in their life. Not that these people were perfect that is the beauty of it they were so not perfect but through His grace they found healing and joy again.
You Karen were one of the first women I came across who loved God but didn't pretend to be perfect. You were real with your life. So THANK YOU! Thank you for being real for sharing your life with me. You made a difference in my life!
I now live in Nampa,ID if you ever pass through I would love to mix up some drinks for us and have a good talk. You will still be in my prayers. Thanks again for sharing your life.
Posted by: Janet Jemes | January 22, 2016 at 10:34 AM
Hi Karen,
I read your post almost right after it appeared and just didn't know what to say. I'm so sad that whatever is going on in your family is so overwhelming. You're wise to put you and your family first and make it your priority. I have learned so much from you and have enjoyed reading your incredibly candid well written blog. Despite what's going on that's wrong, you're family is so very lucky to have such dedication between you. I don't share your faith but know that it gives you strength, and so, it's a good thing. May your beliefs and connection to those you love help you through this time to grow and become stronger. Thank you for everything. You will be missed.
Posted by: malstone | January 23, 2016 at 05:11 PM
Ashland isn't too far from Central Point, and I would be happy to hit you up for that drink, or coffee, prayer, or whatever. <3 Tammie
Posted by: Tammie | January 23, 2016 at 08:30 PM
You are an amazing woman. Though we've never met in person, you have taught me so much about not only photography but myself as well. Your honest and inspiring posts have been highlights of my week for years. Whatever it is you are struggling with I admire your courage and grace and believe full well that everything happens for a reason. Your family will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Sending hugs & prayers...
Posted by: Dawn Schmitz | January 24, 2016 at 01:36 PM
Karen, No one's words will be enough to carry you through, but the Lord's are true and sure. By reading your post, it is evident that you already know that truth, and for that, I am thankful to Him. Please know that no one, especially strong Christians, travel through this life without suffering and troubles. And while that certainly does not make it personally easier, knowing you are in the arms of your Savior as you walk through this valley should be the one thing that pushes you onward and upward. You and your family are in the prayers of many. Continue holding His hand and never take your eyes away from His everlasting love.
Posted by: Sherri L | January 24, 2016 at 02:09 PM
I am so sad to hear this, not because I feel you are making the wrong decision to stop blogging our b/c of how much I will miss seeing your pictures and hearing you speak real raw words in such a ponient way but because you are going through something that has obviously gutted you. I pray that your faith in our unchanging God will not only pull you through but make you stronger. I wouldn't be surprised to see a book by you on a shelf one day at a Christian bookstore about navigating through life with faith. I have followed you for years and wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for 10+ years of inspiration in so many areas of life from scrapbooking, to photography, to being a better mom and wife, a friend and a faithful believer.
Posted by: Shannon | January 24, 2016 at 05:25 PM
I keep coming back, hoping that you'll be here again. I heard about you from a scrapbook shop in Waxahachie, TX...the lady there had taken a live class with you and raved about it. I signed up for the photography class online and printed everything out...someday I'll actually DO it. I've watched the kids grow up, and I think you were moving from the old, new house to the new, old house when I found your blog. I hope whatever has happened will be just a bump in the road for your family, and that you will continue to have lovely memories that you capture with your skill in the future. And I'll keep coming back every now and then...fingers crossed... <3
Posted by: Holly | January 25, 2016 at 10:22 AM
My heart is in my stomach. I will miss you.
I started following your blog/photography via a link on a high school classmate's blog...and am SO VERY THANKFUL I did. Thank you for every. single. word.
Prayers to you and your family on your difficult journey.
Posted by: Kat | January 25, 2016 at 11:47 AM
Karen, I am so sorry to hear of you and your family's struggles right now. I have enjoyed your blog because of how much of your inner self you were willing to share with your readers. And of course your photography is inspiring as well! I pray that you and your family come through this experience stronger in your love for each other and your faith. Wishing you strength, love and peace.
Posted by: Michelle | January 25, 2016 at 12:54 PM
I am finally getting caught up on my reading, and just read this...I've been following you for a long time, and I'm so sad to hear you won't be writing any more, and even sadder to know your family is going through such a difficult time, whatever it may be. I pray that you and your family find peace. My heart breaks because I feel like you left a cliffhanger, and I won't ever know the ending...even though you did not intend to. I wish I could be there in person to help you, but will be thinking of you from afar.
Posted by: Jess Z. | January 26, 2016 at 10:19 AM
Thank you so much for all you have shared with us over the years. You can't even imagine the impact you have had on my life. I will miss your voice and your family. Hugs and prayers heading your way.
Posted by: Meredith | January 26, 2016 at 11:57 AM
Karen,
I haven't ever commented. But have followed you for most of these 10 years. I took your workshop, you have taught me so many different things. Lots of cool camera things, but mostly and more importantly you have taught me through your honesty.
I will miss you, I'm sad that you won't be writing here anymore. You are like a friend(that sounds creepy)( but it's not)You speak to my heart. Especially this blogpost. More than you will ever know. Our "holidays" sound eerily the same.
Would love a drink with you, you know you have a lot of drinks to have ;)
If you're ever in Ontario, Canada, come have that drink here.
Posted by: Christa | January 28, 2016 at 02:50 PM
Don't be too creeped out...I grew up in Central Point...so when I was back in town I actually drove past your house...if I'd have known I could hit you up for a drink...I would have!! I LOVE your attitude, your yearning for God to be in control of your life and your understanding of that. You inspire me! Love your openness...please know that you really do bless people!
Posted by: Denise W. | January 29, 2016 at 02:06 PM
You have always been an inspiration to me. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through something heartbreaking. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing your life, your photos, your faith, your inspiration and your family with us. Keeping you and your family in my prayers Karen.
Posted by: Ashley S. | January 30, 2016 at 09:38 PM
Oh i miss you! And think about you so much! And HOPE you decide the break is Just for awhile. My heart breaks for you! I keep checking in, hoping to see an update and that you are doing better already. Even tho we have never met i somehow feel like i know you. Even emailing about Annie's health issues awhile back, i felt like i knew you a little more. And i miss you and hope you are all doing ok.
Posted by: Janna | January 30, 2016 at 10:45 PM
I read this in my devotional today: God never intended for us to be alone and go through the tough times without His help. He is with us in our darkest hour, and yet unfolds a beautiful sunrise just because we looked to Him in our time of need. He sees every tear and knows every hurt. He is a good Father and we can run to Him and he really can make it better. Proverbs 3:5-6
Many prayers for you and your family....
Posted by: Ruth Tacoma | January 31, 2016 at 06:40 PM
I've been waiting to respond because there's so much I want to say. But there just aren't enough words. I'm so very sorry that you all are suffering. Whatever it is, I hope it gets better and that you all are able to endure.
I'm sorry I won't be hearing from you any longer. Your blog is one of my all-time favorites and I click over to it first whenever I open my blog reader.
I'll miss seeing you and the family. Watching the kids grow up as my own grows up and goes through the same stages is great.
But most of all I'll miss you and hope you are well. If things change and one day you feel like blogging, even for a day, I hope you know we'll all still be here.
Posted by: Gayle | February 01, 2016 at 12:30 PM
I'm so sorry kk.
Posted by: courtney | February 02, 2016 at 09:50 PM
I am so sorry for the disaster that has befallen you and your family. My husband and I are pastors of a small church about 2 hours east of you. If we (or I) can help in any way, please contact me. I am praying for you.
Posted by: Tricia Childers | February 03, 2016 at 12:33 AM
Karen,
I haven't looked at your blog for a few years. Last night I was thinking of you so I thought I would check in. I am sending you love. Lots of love.
Always your friend,
Tracy K
Posted by: Tracy Kyle | February 04, 2016 at 10:51 PM
Oh this breaks my heart. I am so sorry for the storm you are in right now. Praying for God's peace, comfort, and guidance, as you navigate it. You have been an inspiration to me since I won a seat in your class many years ago. Every time I visit Medford (I lived there for several years, my sis is still there, as well as much of my family), I think of you. So I'm not goin' anywhere. Maybe, just maybe we'll have that drink someday at the Bella :) Until then, you are in my prayers.
Posted by: Liz Fraijo | February 05, 2016 at 08:14 AM
I had the honor of attending one of your photography classes and my sister, who is a long time reader of your blog told me about this post. I just read it and am so sorry for whatever is going on. I've said a prayer and will continue to do so. And you are so right...Jesus is the only one to build our hopes on. God bless.
Posted by: Michelle Malone | February 07, 2016 at 09:08 AM
Karen,
I'm so sorry for what has happened to you and your family. Even when life sucks, God IS there for you and He loves you! I will keep your family in my prayers - so many of us are praying for you!
Posted by: Erin S. | February 07, 2016 at 07:23 PM
My heart is pounding reading this post. It's been a difficult season and my heart pours out to you. I will miss you and I hope our paths cross again!! You have been such an inspiration and a source of light for me. I wish I could hug you right now. Thank you for everything Karen! I will reach out to you the next time I'm up visiting family!! XXOO
Posted by: teresa b | February 08, 2016 at 10:51 AM
I've been thinking about your words here since I read them several days ago. Please don't forget that God gave you a way with words.... I love all the pictures, I'm grateful for taking your Photographer's Workshop, but I come here for inspiration. For relation. For hope. And encouragement. May the blessings you've given reflect back to you during this hard time. And please, please come back when you're ready. You know we'll all be here. xoxo
Posted by: kristin | February 08, 2016 at 02:24 PM
I continue to think about you and hold you close in love and prayer.
I don't need details. I'm not offering advice. I simply want you to know that you are not alone.
Posted by: jm | February 09, 2016 at 06:15 PM
I'm so sorry. I've been reading your blog for years! I'm going to miss you friend
Posted by: Veronica | February 10, 2016 at 10:26 PM