In addition to Reason #1 and Reason #2, there are several other factors that have been contributing to my recent photographic rut, but ultimately, I think they all fit into the same category:
Expectations.
We rode our bikes to dinner the other night. Josh had just gotten home after a weekend at Guard Duty, and the kids and I were ready to get out of the house. By the time we got Annie's training wheels off of her bike (she's been riding Cole's old Spiderman bike because it's lighter, but decided she wanted to give her own bike a try even though it's a heavy one), aired-up everyone's tires, and loaded everything and everyone up in the truck, it was pushing 6:00 p.m,. and that meant we had to ride quick and eat quick - and even then, we'd still be riding home in the dark.
Originally, all of that was fine by me because I'm always a big fan of making that 8-mile round trip for a night of pizza at our favorite pizza joint in town.
But once we got to biking and I realized I really didn't have the time (or enough good light) to do much shooting, I started feeling disappointed.
And with every shot I took (and every shot I didn't take because we were riding so fast) I found myself thinking about how these shots were never going to measure up against those biking photos. (In fact, I took so many great photos on that bike ride, that I had to create a second post for them.)
And when you compare these photos with those, you'll be thinking the same thing...
They're good photos.
I just had different expectations.
Nevermind the fact that those expectations were totally unrealistic because I was shooting at a different time of year, a different time of day, with a different allotment of time, and with subject's whose attitudes were different as well.
Expectations don't take those kinds of things into consideration though.
But I have to wonder what it is in me that makes me feel like every photo I take is indicative of who I am as a photographer? That this year's Christmas photos have to be better than last year's? That I'm never going to be good a good enough?
Expectations.
The truth is that I am a better photographer today than I was two years ago.
I'm also a better teacher.
And a better friend.
And a better daughter.
And a better mom.
And a better wife.
Expectations don't really care about the truth though.
Ironically, the world tells us to not be bothered with the world's expectations, but to focus on our own expectations of ourselves instead.
But though I've had a few harsh critics in my life, whose expectations I will never meet, it is usually ME who is the harshest critic of myself. It is usually me heaping expectations by the pound onto my own back. It is usually me who sets expectations for myself and then once I'm about to reach them, sets the bar even higher. And it's usually me who changes my expectations for myself with approximately the same frequency I change my clothes.
And therefore, nothing ever feels like it's enough.
And 'enough' always feels elusive. Unreachable. Unachievable. Unattainable.
I'm never going to meet the expectations I set for myself as a photographer.
And I'm never going to live up to the expectations I put on myself as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a teacher, or a friend.
And despite my efforts, I'm going to fall short of many people's expectations as well.
Because all of those expectations are changing, moving, ambiguous targets.
And so, I have to remember that I am playing for an audience of One.
An audience who is fixed, unchanging, and unfaltering.
An audience whose expectations were already met on the cross.
Thank goodness that audience isn't myself, because I'm never satisfied.
And thank goodness that audience isn't my kids, or my husband, or my extended family, or my friends, or even strangers for that matter, because much like me, their opinions, and their feelings, and their perspectives are ever-changing.
Thank goodness that audience is a God who knows my heart better than I know my own, a master who is much kinder to me than I am to myself, and a savior who died not only to save me from my sins, but to save me from myself.
And from my expectations.
And I'm thinking He's pleased as punch with the biking photos I took the other day.
Thank you for this post today. Just the reminders I needed to hear.
Posted by: Jennifer | October 14, 2014 at 02:52 PM
That picture of Cole...with the spotlight in the back...one of the best pics I have seen on your blog. Just my opinion and of course there have been lots of fabulous ones, but that one caught my breath. We are our own worst critics. I always say if there is one thing that I hope to NOT pass onto my daughter it is my negative self talk...I am always thinking I am stupid, lazy, just not ENOUGH, but thankfully someone thought I was enough...enough to make the ultimate sacrifice. I have actually considered having that tattooed on the inside of my wrist as a reminder even though I'm not a tattoo kinda girl. ;)
Posted by: Kellie | October 14, 2014 at 03:19 PM
Yes, He is.
Posted by: SandraA | October 14, 2014 at 04:27 PM
Ahh. We are our own worst critic. In my little world, you are awesome.
Posted by: Gina Crowley | October 14, 2014 at 05:15 PM
Wait a second! Some wise person once told me "Expectations reduce joy." I live by that now. I still have expectations, like I expect myself to do my best, because that's all I can do. But I lower my expectations of other people, because I've been known to have high ones, and it helps me not be let down in those situations. I hope you had a good dinner anyways, because I know what it is like to want the great shots, not get them, and then let that set the tone for the rest of the outing.
Posted by: Kelli | October 14, 2014 at 07:09 PM
Amen you said it very well. Hugs
Posted by: Deneen | October 14, 2014 at 07:17 PM
This post reminded me of another I read today about the reminder of the strength of grace. http://www.pureandlasting.com/grace-not-perfection-free-printable/
Posted by: Martha walker | October 14, 2014 at 07:24 PM
Yes, indeed. And this is why I'm signing up for your course again. Love you!!
Posted by: Cheryl | October 14, 2014 at 08:31 PM
I just love this. I second what you said on my blog today... The timing of your post is so perfect, as I needed to read this today. I love your writing as much as I love your images. And for goodness' sake. These images are extraordinary. <3
Posted by: Lacey Meyers | October 14, 2014 at 10:01 PM
It is so hard to constantly "climb the mountain" of expectations.It often leads to disappointment, because it just isn't possible to do. And comparing always takes one out of the moment. When we spend our time looking back or looking forward....we are not in the "now"....which then often steals the joy of the present. Thus, when we feel like we have to always reach a certain peak...it is hard to want to even try, for fear of disappointment. My favorite Mr. Roger's saying..I love you just the way you are, helps me to remember and find comfort when I am in comparison mode. And we all get in the comparison and expectation folly.....and you my sweet one recognized that....which makes you a wise, beautiful, loving soul that is talented in more ways than one can even count. Thank you for being you. I apologize for my rambling.
Posted by: janel | October 15, 2014 at 05:32 AM
I think you are pretty fabulous. You are an amazing human being. I think you are anyway. We are always our worst critic. These are such great photos. I love them.
Posted by: Michelle | October 15, 2014 at 06:01 AM
Amen
Posted by: Nicky from Okotoks | October 15, 2014 at 06:09 AM
Very well said Karen! You are an inspiration to many!
Posted by: Sunny | October 15, 2014 at 06:10 AM
WOW...these are AMAZING shots, Karen! But, I also understand how you are feeling...I know those feelings all too well. We are always are own worst critic, right?
Posted by: Christine P | October 15, 2014 at 06:13 AM
Expectations are no good Karen. Live in the present. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Sounds so good. So easy. Yeah...it's not! :)) Thank you for this post. I really needed to be reminded. Adoring you as always...super-crappy biking photos and all. :)))
Posted by: DanaL | October 15, 2014 at 06:30 AM
Wise words: Whenever you have expectations, you're always disappointed.
Posted by: karlalala | October 15, 2014 at 07:18 AM
What a beautiful post with very wise words, and just what I need to hear this week. Thank you for sharing your family, life & personal thoughts with us. I truly love reading your posts.
Is Josh biking with a grocery cart in one shot........?
Posted by: S McCrary | October 15, 2014 at 09:33 AM
Amen Sister! I feel your pain! Same here. Thanks for reminding me about what really matters!
Love ya!
Posted by: Stacey from the Texas Panhandle | October 15, 2014 at 03:57 PM
So much truth in this. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Amelia N. | October 16, 2014 at 03:36 AM
I don't know how many times I've quit photography because of my unmet expectations. There should be a place where we can all go to quit, but...not reallyreally quit. Well, actually, I just go there in my head, and to the Lord, and I end up where you ended up. I keep needing to be reminded that my photos are not the most important thing in the known universe.
Shocker.
But that HE is, that WE plus HIM are, and LOVE is. And that the photos document all the gifts and sorrows that HE allows so that we can grow closer to him and each other. And sometimes I can actually believe that.
Then the next time my expectations aren't met - sometimes the next day - I quit again. And learn again. I am a granny hamster on the wheel, always quitting and re-learning the basics, and I don't mean about photography.
(Your biking photos perfectly captured a late afternoon, sunsetting, evening family time together that will never happen that exact way again. Nailed those photos.)
Posted by: Nancy B. | October 20, 2014 at 08:23 AM
Beautifully written, Karen! Really spoke to my heart today.
Posted by: Vicki | October 22, 2014 at 09:44 AM