Last week couldn't end fast enough for me.
Cole made a really bad choice that could have a huge impact on his life, depending on how he chooses to handle it from here. Annie told a humiliating lie and then went on to cover it up with other lies that only further complicated the situation before the weight of it finally got to her and she decided to come clean. Courtney's been on a roller coaster with feelings that are so strong and intense in one direction, but then totally change and become equally strong and intense in the polar opposite direction and everyone in proximity is struggling with whether to get on the roller coaster with her or to stay off of it. I freaked out on all of my kids in the car one morning, saying things that were true, but saying them with ugliness and resentment. A few people outside of our home made some of these situations more painful and challenging than they already were. And my husband was out of town most of the week (a sore subject) which meant I was dealing with the bulk of these things on my own.
Somehow, I just kept feeling like if I held my breath until Friday, that my problems would somehow magically end with the work week.
But they didn't.
Josh got home at 10:30 on Saturday night.
By 11:00, I asked him what he thought about me driving up to Seattle the next day to take a break and to visit Ross and my sister.
His initial reaction was that it would be hard on him and his work schedule to manage everything with the kids on his own.
I immediately (and wrongly) went into accusation mode, saying that he never takes into account how hard it is on me and my work schedule when he leaves town.
We slept in separate beds even though I hadn't seen him almost all week.
The next morning, he told me I should go to Seattle.
I told him I didn't want to go to Seattle because I'd feel guilty the whole time I was there.
He told me I should go to Seattle.
So after church, I threw a few things in my suitcase, packed up my computer (because I've got a class full of some of the most wonderful students ever right now, so I still need to work) and my bike (because my sister said the weather was going to be beautiful and that we should get in some biking) and hopped in my car, looking forward to the nine-hour drive ahead of me.
Five hours (filled with lots of sermons, a bit of quietness and a few prayers for good measure) later, I was sitting at the bar at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, waiting for my to-go order of spinach au'gratin and sourdough bread to come out and had the overwhelming urge to drive back home - not because I felt guilty, but because I knew I was just running away from my problems rather than facing them.
I knew that I was choosing to let my problems be painFUL instead of painFUEL (like the appropriately titled sermon I had just listened to.)
And if Ross (my 22 year old) hadn't sounded so excited about me coming up to visit, I think I would have done just that...Took the Southbound I-5 exit out of Portland and drove five hours back home.
Instead though, I took the Northbound I-5 exit and listened to sermons for another four hours before arriving at my sisters house. (Ross offered for me to stay at his place, but my love for Ross wasn't enough to overcome the idea of rooming with four 20-something boys for a week.)
Before even arriving though, I felt like the purpose of my trip had already been met.
I had so much clarity about so many things. Some things I already knew, but needed to remember and some things that felt really new to me...
- It is a choice (and a fight that requires strength) to remain open and soft and vulnerable as a woman in a world where those things are looked upon as a weakness and in a world where it it feels safer to put up walls of protection and to become cynical and jaded.
- My husband is a man of action and a man of few words when it comes to deeper, emotional topics and that is not a flaw in him (anymore than it is a flaw in me to gravitate towards deeper, emotional topics.) God made men and God made women purposefully and intentionally different. Josh is able to make big, important decisions for our family in moments when I am too emotionally invested to be rationale, and I am able to comfort and grow our kids minds with words and emotions that escape my husband at times. We compliment each other. And if I need someone to talk about deep, emotional things with, I can take those things to God, or to my dearest friend or I can even talk about them with my husband as long as I don't start conjuring up mental images of what I think my husband's response should sound like.
- Its easy to love people who love you - almost everyone does that. To love someone who hurts you or someone who feels like your enemy is what glorifies God though. (I know how to be avoid people who hurt me and how to be cordial to people who feel like my enemy, but I can't fully wrap my brain around what it looks like to 'love' them. I know it includes prayer. I know it includes dying to self. But I don't think it means being a doormat for people either. Still processing that one.)
- By trying to avoid challenging, painful, uncomfortable situations in my life and in my children's lives, I am avoiding the very things that bring about growth and richness and wisdom and empathy and endurance.
- Bitterness is the most destructive emotion of all.
- Marriage is not about personal fulfillment (as much as every movie and every love song might lead us to believe.) Marriage is about showing love even when someone is not acting lovable. (Us women know that when we are at our ugliest is precisely when we need the most lovin.) Marriage is about creating a generational impact that not only affects the children in our homes and the grandchildren we'll have one day, but it also is meant to affect our neighbors and our friends and any other person that God puts in our path. Marriage is about becoming a better person by the very process of exposing all of our worst flaws. Marriage is about valuing a covenant relationship more than we value ourselves. And once we fully accept those things, it can be beautiful.
- I want to keep fighting for my kids hearts instead of fighting against their behavior since our hearts are the source of all of our behavior anyhow.
- Growing up to become a real man is very difficult in this world we live it because there is so much opposition to it. (I started this series recently and finished it on the drive. It's NOT an easy series to listen to, but it's probably one of the most powerful things I've ever heard.)
- I don't want to pray that the storm will calm, I want to pray that I will learn to be calm during the storm. (I cannot take credit for that quote - but I can't remember where I heard it either.)
And that pretty much sums up all of the 'smarts' this little pea-brain of mine can absorb during a nine-hour car ride.
And a totally unrelated (but lovely all the same) photo...
Off to go have lunch with Ross now.
(((Hugs))) Hopefully you can enjoy your time in Seattle despite everything, and I hope a positive outcome comes from it all. I understand about thinking things will be better at the weeks-end, and I think a lot of that has to do with working from home. We (those of use who work from home) don't have that physical distance from our work or that mental change when you get to "leave" work for the day and I find that it can really wear at me.... I hope the change of scenery helps rejuvenate you. And as far as Courtney's roller coaster, I think its the age~ Peyton is Full of drama lately. So we'll hope it ends soon for both! : ) Sending lots of positive thoughts for you all, and remember that you are doing a Great job and despite all the small challenges, the bigger picture has your kids being good/ loving (normal!) kids : )
Posted by: Rachelle S | April 29, 2014 at 12:57 PM
Love you lady - God Bless
May you know that all the difficult times we have with our children in keeping them on the straight and narrow is never an easy path, but the payoffs are huge when you see them grow to be the most incredible adults because you continue to guide them through the good and the bad.
I think the same goes with our marriages - we have to stand beside each other through good and bad, be vulnerable and be loved and carry on knowing that Life is Good and continue to count our blessings.
Enjoy your time with Ross - always good for the soul and don't feel guilty.
Miss you
Posted by: Nicky from Okotoks | April 29, 2014 at 01:04 PM
Wow, that was the most extremely honest post that I think I have ever read. I love your transparency. We all go through that stuff with our kids, with husbands and with family. It is difficult at times for sure. We will never be perfect but fortunately we have a Perfect heavenly Father who is merciful to forgive us.
Lately I have been reading Andy Stanley's book 'Enemies of the Heart' - this is an excellent book for helping to get rid of the stuff we do that we don't like.
I am glad that you took the drive and were able to listened to sermons that got your focus back on God.
Posted by: Mj | April 29, 2014 at 01:53 PM
I'm hoping your time in Seattle helps you!
Posted by: Kelli | April 29, 2014 at 02:06 PM
So many prayers Karen Russell. You are amazing and I love how you spread God's word. Many fond and heartfelt prayers to your family, your marriage, your motherhood, and your commitment to the Word. God Bless.
Posted by: Kelly | April 29, 2014 at 02:57 PM
Karen, you're so real, I love it! Sorry you've had a crappy time but it sounds like you've worked through it. I'd love to see some shots of Seattle if you have time to take some. It's somewhere I've always wanted to go and seeing it through your lens would be awesome! Hope you have a good break.
Posted by: Rachel Millington | April 29, 2014 at 04:17 PM
Prayers and HUGS and I am where you are..our situations may be slightly different. Yesterday, I got into my van and drove around because the situation at home was too much to bear. I only had 30 minutes before dinner had to be prepared and a busy schedule that I had to prepare for today but I think a 9 hour drive may help me bring clarity because the 30 mins only allowed me time to breathe-something I have been having a hard time doing lately. The picture of Courtney is beautiful. I hope you enjoy your time with Ross and your sister. You need to recharge the batteries that get drained from being a mom! Take care! <3
Posted by: Shan | April 29, 2014 at 04:32 PM
Well said, Nellie. And THANK YOU JESUS for YOU and the men you place in our lives who are the anchors to our wishy-washy souls!!! :)
Posted by: kat-in-texas | April 29, 2014 at 05:07 PM
I just love you Karen! And if you lived in NC, I swear we'd be BFFs. =)
Posted by: Evia | April 29, 2014 at 05:19 PM
Karen, I love your honesty and insight. I am about to become a new mom and I appreciate what you are willing to share on your blog, good or bad.
Posted by: Robyn :) | April 29, 2014 at 06:04 PM
Hang in there Karen!!!! Many of us out here can sympathize, its all too much sometimes! we all have flaws, and this trip is exactly what EVERYONE needs. For you and for the family! A little time to get your head clear again! I have felt like this some lately too...bitter, snippy, impatient. xoxoxo
Posted by: Jennifer S | April 29, 2014 at 07:20 PM
Karen, thank you again for putting your life "out there" and not just painting a perfect picture of family life. I know how you feel and some of what you are going through as my middle daughter is very challenging. I spend quite a lot of time at our school being judged by the other mums and I end up going home and wanting to hide under the covers. I feel that we do the best job we can as parents and every challenge, even though they can be awful and embarrassing or humiliating, is a lesson learned. I hope this week is better for you, know that we've all been there and are sending you virtual hugs xxxxx
Posted by: Julie Pilch | April 29, 2014 at 11:23 PM
Wow! I am just speechless and cannot even read the rest of the post right now.
This line..... "- It is a choice (and a fight that requires strength) to remain open and soft and vulnerable as a woman in a world where those things are looked upon as a weakness and in a world where it it feels safer to put up walls of protection and to become cynical and jaded."
It sums up my existence and my daily struggles in this life.
How do you do that so well? Eloquently articulate what is in my heart?!!!!! If you only knew what the last year has thrown at me in an attempt to build those walls and ruin my opened heart.
Thank you. Doesn't seem strong enough... but, just THANK YOU!
Posted by: Lisa | April 30, 2014 at 06:14 AM
I read and re-read. Karen, you have a gift. Or two...
I am sharing this with my daughter, who is expecting our first grandchild (a boy!) in June.
This is life in a nutshell. (My husband would chime in here and say "Life is a nut roll")
God bless you and your family.
Soldier on. The drama will always be there. :)
xoxo
BTW I've been revisiting your class handouts and fabulous new Focus PDF to prepare for this blessed new life in our midst.
I never did contact Apple about the download problem with my iPad Mini. Your PDF file is better viewed on my MacBook or my iMac...too big and rich and beautiful for the iPad.
Posted by: Cindy Swainson | April 30, 2014 at 08:00 AM
This post went straight to my heart. Loved it. Love you. You constantly remind me how good God is. xxoox D.
Posted by: DanaL | April 30, 2014 at 09:43 AM
"By trying to avoid challenging, painful, uncomfortable situations in my life and in my children's lives, I am avoiding the very things that bring about growth and richness and wisdom and empathy and endurance." Love this. My favorite quote at the moment is, "Without struggle, there is no progress." (Frederick Douglass)You nailed it.
Posted by: Theresa | April 30, 2014 at 01:06 PM
Thinking of you.....knowing that you are strong, loving and willing! Theresa's quote that she shared is perfect. Hang in there.
Posted by: janel | April 30, 2014 at 01:23 PM
You have the most amazing heart, Karen. Your ability to so honestly and eloquently share not only the good times, but the most heartbreakingly difficult ones, takes my breath away. Who knew when I signed up for a photography course that I would get so much more? I'm sending all of the good thoughts in the world your way.
Posted by: Michelle B | April 30, 2014 at 03:17 PM
Thank you for being you, and for sharing. We are all on a journey and we will get through it with God's grace and overwhelming love. Thank God you hear His voice. Blessings xx
Posted by: Valerie | May 01, 2014 at 02:59 AM
will you please write a book already!? oh....but in the meantime. share your podcast list so i can list to 9 hours of this truth too! and if that's too much, can you share the link to your church again. i know i listened to a series you posted on your blog before, but I've since gotten a new computer at work and didn't save my links/favorites before the transition.
Posted by: taniawillis | May 01, 2014 at 12:26 PM
My heart and prayers absolutely go out to you, Karen. I am so thankful that you've shared and that you were able to have so much time to yourself to come to so much wisdom. Your openness, humility, and honesty continues to amaze me, and is such a blessing to all of us to read your blog.
Posted by: Lacey Meyers | May 01, 2014 at 01:31 PM
I wish you were my neighbor...I'd love to talk about all this over a cup of coffee...
Posted by: Kellie | May 02, 2014 at 04:37 AM
Karen, my heart is with you. My 15-year-old daughter is struggling with depression and anxiety, which has ripple effects with the whole family and most days I feel like I'm failing as a mom. Somedays are great, others are terrible. I came across this quote on Pinterest and have a print out on my desk at work. "Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about." I'm working on remembering this every day. It's very brave of you to share, and I really appreciate your strength. One day at a time. Hugs!
Posted by: Liz H | May 02, 2014 at 08:19 PM
Thank you for those deep thoughts about what marriage is.... Just what I needed right now... In fact, I was in a storm myself (because my husband tryed on plumbering and now I can't even do the dishes anymore and I'm pregnant for only 3 more weeks and I am full of hormons and have a 2 and a half year old in the terrible twos who was hungry and tired and I was cooking lunch and I had a dough wanting into the oven and it was not the morning we had planned and so on...........)and tryed to stay calm... and love him nevertheless because he was just trying to do his best to avoid the horrific costs of professional clumberman coming.
*deep breath in* *deep breath out*
Much better....
Love
Anne
Posted by: Anne | May 03, 2014 at 04:11 AM
So empowering! I think a "red light" went off in my heart when reading about loving a person who has hurt you the way God would have us to do it. So deep and I'm definitely working on that one. So easy for me to just be cordial and avoid them. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Tonia Grant | May 04, 2014 at 07:19 PM
So, so happy I read this today. I needed it.
Posted by: Lynne | May 06, 2014 at 04:24 PM
I have been a terrible blog follower of late. And today your popped into my head and I decided it was time to catch up with you and the family. So glad I did! I just love your transparency and you make me think deeper. Thanks for being you Karen! Hugs from Conroe, TX
Posted by: Nancy Wyatt | May 13, 2014 at 01:44 PM
I haven't visited your blog in quite some time. Catching up, it seems a bit coincidental that I happen to be reading THE best book(aside from the Bible, of course) on relationships right now and I can't not share-especially after seeing you post a link to PAUL WASHER! I mean, who's ever heard of Paul Washer?!? His sermons are perfect for long car rides! Greatest preacher ever...
Anyways, if you're one for reading, go for "What Did You Expect(redeeming the realities of marriage)" by Paul David Tripp. It's not a best selling, "love language," learn to communicate type book. It's one that makes you squirm. :)
Posted by: Chrissy | May 16, 2014 at 08:01 PM
Somehow I feel you were speaking to me...I've had a few battles over the last year that I haven't had the strength to face nor do I have any idea on how to handle it. I'm going to check out the series you mentioned and continue to pray. Thank you for sharing and I wanted to mention something I found a few years back..but haven't had the means to attend. It's a women's conference called Pursuit 31. I'm not affiliates with it in any way..I just think it's where my heart keeps pulling me and wanted to share it with you. Wishing you well Karen Russell and hoping our paths cross again!!
Posted by: teresa b | May 17, 2014 at 11:23 AM
Karen- I love that you share this with us, because sometimes we think we are all alone in the struggles and that everyone else's lives are so much better than our own.
Although just to let you know, each time you write about your struggles I dream about you the night after I read it and dream that I am fixing everything for you. I know I can't, but I wish I could.
Posted by: Kili | May 28, 2014 at 05:40 PM