Have been meaning to write this post for a long time now, but was never quite sure what to say or how to say it.
I've been blogging for about six and a half years now.
When I first started, it was just a means of sharing business information about upcoming scrapbooking classes and new releases to my product line. (I used to design a line of scrapbooking products call Narratives and used to teach scrapbooking classes.)
I quickly realized that the business side of blogging was a bore though and found myself sharing more and more personal photos and personal entries.
And I found that the more I wrote, the more I enjoyed writing. And the more I shared, the more comfortable it felt to share. And the more photos I posted, the more I came to love photography. And my kids loved looking through old blog posts. And I loved reading old stories. And documenting our lives felt worth all the time it took.
All of which are good things.
But I also started feeling like the more comments I got, the more accepted I was. And the higher my blog stats became, the more valued I was. And I felt some pressure. And I took some negative comments personally. And sometimes it just didn't seem worth it anymore.
All of which are not good things.
And this isn't a post to announce that I'm quitting blogging (I'm not.) or to say that I'm going to blog forever (I'm not.) but just to explain why I'm blogging and how I'm blogging.
I like pictures and I like stories and it feels really valuable to me to have all this stuff written down.
That's the simple side of it.
But it also feels valuable to me to bare a part of myself, though I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it feels a bit remedial just to write down some of these things that are in my head and on my heart. Just to say them aloud. Just to put it out there. Maybe selfishly, I want to hear you say that you understand. That you've been there. That I'm not crazy. That I'm ok. That you yell at your kids sometimes too. And that sometimes your kids go without a bath for four days in a row like mine. And the unselfish side of me really wants you to know that you're ok too.
That's the more complex side of it.
And if you and I were to sit down for dinner together sometime, I'd tell you anything you wanted to know about me.
And if you bought me a drink, I'd tell you even more.
I guess I just don't feel like there's any point in keeping all that stuff to yourself when sharing it can bring you closer to the person you're sharing it with. When sharing it can bring you insight. When sharing it can benefit the person hearing it. When sharing it can heal it.
I've got three biological kids, all with different biological fathers. I've never been proud of it and I don't recommend it to anyone, but I quit feeling ashamed about it a long time ago. I've made some crappy choices and I've had some crappy things happen to me, but I think I've done a pretty good job of turning a pile of crap into something pretty wonderful.
And if anyone wants to judge that...well, by all means, have at it.
I've just found out that sometimes, the very thing I've harshly judged ends up happening to me.
So wield that judgment carefully.
And I have to set an alarm clock on my phone so I don't accidentally forget to pick up my kids from school every day because I'm that kind of a mom.
And one time I threw a whole bag of sugar across the kitchen after seeing that Ross had more sugar than cereal in his bowl for breakfast (Have I told this story before?) and because of that one moment, Ross has forever labeled me as 'Mommy Dearest' on his cell phone.
But I don't really mind telling you those things because I have a feeling that many of you have similar stories.
And if you don't...well...we can't be friends.
But just because I share a lot, doesn't mean that I share everything.
I don't tell you guys every time I'm having a bad day or I'm in a bad mood, because that would grow old. And I don't tell you every thought that comes into my head because you'd think I was crazy. And I don't tell you about every last detail of my life because that would be boring.
And sometimes I may be vague about what's going on in my life because what's going on is painful and involves other people. So sometimes, I may share just enough details to remind myself of the hardship (because ultimately, this blog is meant to document our lives) but not so much that it infringes on anyone's privacy.
I've got four kids, all with their own set of strengths and weaknesses and their own history of success and failure and their own perceptions of what is ok to share and what is not. And I want to respect that.
And I've got a husband that isn't interested in sharing his thoughts nearly as freely as I'm willing to share mine.
And we've got a blended family that is messy and complicated and sometimes painful. But I don't have the right to share all of those details because they involve my kids and my husband and our exes.
And there are things that go on in my life that tick me off and hurt my heart and make me sick with worry, but they involve other people and their privacy too.
So I share what feels right to share and I hold back what feels right to hold back and I do that at my own discretion.
And I'm willing to share a lot, but that doesn't make me obligated to share anything more.
And I realize that putting myself out there like this makes me a target for judgment and opinions and an occasional, crappy comment and though I'd like to say I'm above it all...if someone makes a crappy, anonymous comment here on my blog, I'm going to call them out on it every time. (Or at least until I'm mature enough to start ignoring them.)
And I realize that what I write, how I feel and what I believe in doesn't necessarily resonate with everyone. That it's offensive to some people and that it's of no interest to others.
And I'm totally ok with that because it just makes sense to me that if you like my blog, you'll stop by and if you don't, you won't. (What boggles me is the occasional person that seems to dislike me/my writing, but they still read it anyhow.)
But 99.9% of you are the coolest people in the world.
You don't judge me. You don't leave crappy, anonymous comments. You realize that I've got the right to my opinion, just like you've got the right to yours. And you make me feel like I'm ok.
And I hope I make you feel like you're ok too.
But I also hope you understand that ultimately, this blog is for my family. That ultimately, I'm matching up words with photos for them. Because I want them to remember what our lives looked like. Because I want them to remember the trips to the beach, the trips to the park and the trips to visit family. Because I want them to remember the traditions, like 4th of July at Union Creek, Christmas tree hunting in the woods and birthday lunches. Because I want them to recognize the love and the struggles and the successes. Because I want them to recognize and place value on the little things. Because they're going to have their own kids one day and maybe my words might help them. Because they're going to have a husband or a wife one day and maybe seeing the priority that Josh and I put on spending time together and working through our differences will make them see the beauty in commitment. Because they're going to have their own walk with God one day and maybe seeing my faltering walk might encourage them in their own faltering walk. Because I want them to remember what it looked like and felt like to grow up in this old house. That they weren't perfect and their parents weren't perfect and our daily lives were not perfect, but that it was wonderful all the same.
And maybe one day when they're all grown, they'll look back on some of these entries and they'll understand me just a little bit better. They'll relate to me more. They'll understand where they get their sense of humor, or their intensity (aka impatience, neurosis, passion, determination, etc.) and their beliefs.
And maybe when I'm not around anymore, reading all of this will make them feel like I'm still close by. Like I'm still talking to them. Like I'm right there, whispering in their ear, telling them how I'd handle a difficult situation. Telling them that life isn't meant to be easy, but that there's joy to be found in it anyhow. Telling them how much I love them.
That's why I'm doing it.
And with that, I'm taking a few days off from blogging (because as wonderful as blogging is, it's also really time-consuming) so I'll see you all on Tuesday.
Karen, you're beautiful inside and out and I know that I'm not really authorised to say that because i just have a weird blog thing for you but there are always going to be haters and those haters so just stop reading if they've got nothing nice to say instead of ruining it for all us who love reading your stories, love that someone in this world is open and honest and tells us how it is and am thankful that I have someone to relate to about parenting in this crazy world. So thanks from me for being AWESOME! we could totally be friends .... but only if you like chocolate!
Posted by: jacqui anderson | May 29, 2012 at 11:57 AM
I'm so happy you wrote this post! Some days I forget why I'm blogging and I always find myself going back to this same message: it's for me and my family. Most importantly, your children will love reading your writing. I'm 23 and my mother passed away when I was a little girl. She was before the time of blogging, but she kept a hand-written journal of camping trips and trips we would take to the beach. I love going back and reading her entries. Your children will absolutely value the stories you've recorded for them. :)
Posted by: Nikol | May 29, 2012 at 01:41 PM
I love your blog! Your sincerity is so refreshing! :)
Posted by: Lynn L. | May 29, 2012 at 07:59 PM
I don't comment often on your blog (one other time I think), but I enjoy reading it. I've laughed with you and cried with you and worried with you. And I don't even know you and you don't know me. I don't share your beliefs in God, but I always, always appriciate you!! Thank you for candidly sharing your life with me!
Posted by: Rae | May 29, 2012 at 08:01 PM
Enjoy your time off! I love your post and you blog! Blessings upon you and your family!
Posted by: jewels | May 29, 2012 at 10:11 PM
I sent my almost 22 year old daughter over here to read your post, so she could understand the pros and cons about blogging and why she should keep a journal of her stories, etc.--even if it's in blog format. She read it & loved it. I hope that she will look back on it in years to come and be glad that she wrote down the stories. I first 'met' you back in the CK days and though I haven't scrapbooked in years, I have been a faithful blog reader. I've been stung with a few questions from readers of my blog, though 99.9% are wonderful. It's the odd comment, though, that gets under my skin and makes me want to curl into a ball. I love reading your blog because so many blogs make me feel as if I'm not enough. Your blog makes me realize that even the people who have mad photography and decorating skills are complex human beings, too, and I appreciate that you are real. Don't stop being who you are. Your family is wonderful and you are all so blessed with one another, no matter how you came into the family or whatever circumstances you are going through. I was adopted at birth, a fact that I tell very few people because not many understand that the people who raised me ARE my parents, that my family IS my family. I think that is one part of why I enjoy your blog so much--the love that you all have for each other, even when the kids are fighting or driving you crazy or you're all out picking out a Christmas tree together. Love makes a family, not biology. God bless!
Posted by: Siobhan | May 30, 2012 at 02:59 AM
I love your photo of Annie in front of the red Old Home Bread door. Something about the photo, and the feeling of it, is just perfect. Really lovely. Thanks for continuing to inspire so many us with your words and your pictures!
Posted by: k | May 31, 2012 at 07:58 AM
Karen, I loved this post! And I know you know that 99.9% of us come to your blog because we LIKE it. I've never understood why someone is so quick to judge and post something mean. It's their own insecurities coming through. Please know you are so appreciated by so many of us!
Joanne from Boston
Posted by: Telisj | May 31, 2012 at 06:25 PM
I read your blog and always think what remarkable friends we could possibly be. There isn't anything wrong with the path your life has led or paths it has crossed, that has helped you become the person you were meant to be. Experience brings wisdom. People quick to judge are usually trying to hide their own imperfections. Do what you need to do and let the others hang on the roadside! :)
Posted by: Denise | May 31, 2012 at 11:15 PM
I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now and have never left a message, but after reading this post, I feel compelled to do so.
Although I don't know you personally, I know we could be good friends. That's why I read your blog faithfully. I understand and relate to all of your life stories. Somehow they help me, so thank you for that.
Keep on doing what you're doing... We all thank you for it, but know that your family will cherish your words forever!
Posted by: Jayme Tighe | June 01, 2012 at 10:29 AM
Karen - thank you for posting this. It is what I needed to read today. I have so much admiration for you. I've been reading your blog for a pretty long time and I think your writing has just gotten better every year. You have a beautiful family and I look forward to reading your posts! We put so much pressure on ourselves to be what other people think is right and I guess I just want you to know that I appreciate your honesty and your thoughts, even if some one else doesn't agree.
Posted by: Andy | June 01, 2012 at 01:09 PM
Karen, this was written so beautifully and from the heart (as always). I love you and your little family. {{hugs to you my friend}}.
Posted by: Valerie | June 01, 2012 at 02:35 PM
Love this post Karen. I love that you are real and willing to share your life with us - the highs and lows. I also appreciate that you don't exploit the kids or your exes. I really respect your attitude. When a family situation may be tough, you will express your own unhappiness but you never speak ill of others. Life is messy but it's also wonderful.
Thank you for being honest and open and sharing your family with us.
Posted by: KimP | June 02, 2012 at 06:34 AM
I have never commented on a blog, don't read blogs ever (except when i get one of your notices on the workshop), but this post just moved me to tears. You wrote everything i feel on a daily basis. I hope to write and have pics of my own family someday. You may have just inspired me to quit letting my fears prevent that. Thanks so much for being you and putting it out here for us to see.
Posted by: Melissa | June 02, 2012 at 06:52 AM
I love your blog and I love that you are real. You don't sugar coat mothering. I have raised 4 sons and I know how tough it is to be a mother and I have many moments that I'm not proud of and you make me feel ok about that. Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with us.
Posted by: Valerie | June 02, 2012 at 06:04 PM
Ditto. Do it for the kids. Do it for you. The rest is just the rest.
Bernadette
Posted by: Bernadette @b3hd | June 02, 2012 at 08:27 PM
Karen, I just want to tell you that I LOVE you! Just the way you are. You are so REAL and I love reading about you and your imperfections. I could write some of your posts myself so you aren't in it alone. Thanks for being you, and thanks for sharing what you do. I hope one day we can have lunch or dinner together (maybe when you come to Marysville to visit Ross). I was lucky to have taken your class at Lasting memories in Lynnwood and that's when I became one of your "followers".
Posted by: Ann Grounds | June 03, 2012 at 11:04 PM
I've followed A LOT of photography blogs over the past few years. I'm embarrassed to admit that the list was close to 100. How I managed to feed my kids and keep a (semi) clean home with all of that blog-reading is beyond me.
As I grew in my own photography and quit wanting to be like everybody else, I stopped reading most of those blogs. Now I follow THREE photography blogs. One of them is yours. :) And it's not because you are better than the other 97 photographers. In fact, some of them are amazingly talented. (And famous!)
What keeps me always coming back is you, Karen. What you choose to share about yourself and your family has me coming back week after week. And wishing I was around the corner and I could come over and share stories over a cup of tea. You are so real and so relatable. And it doesn't hurt that you have adorable kids!
Posted by: Dana F. | June 04, 2012 at 10:48 PM
I wish people could use this as a disclaimer on their blogs! You write so awesome, you share you life with us and THAT'S WHAT I LOVE!!!!
I don't get haters, never have never will, but I know you have more luva's then haters! :O)
I get busy with life and then return to your blog like a wonderful novel to curl up with in bed, crazy huh? But I dive into each of your posts and your writing has always made me laugh, and cry at times too. I am in love with your photography and your photos of your family are beyond precious. So, thank you for sharing what you share. It is by far enough and I enjoy you and your blog- It's the highlight blog I return to to make me smile.
Blessings,
Jen
Posted by: Jen Valentine | June 06, 2012 at 10:11 PM
>
Thank you for saying that! I may be in the minority among blog readers but I have deleted many blogs from my reader because of the sheer sensationalism and lack of all discretion. We have the right to tell OUR stories. And I love it when people do. But I am so uncomfortable when people share very intimate details about people whose names do not appear in the byline. Having adult children makes me really conscious of what I share. It might be true and might have affected me deeply. But I refuse to use people to boost my numbers. Moreso, I think when we extend them that grace there is always better chance of peace and growth down the road. The expose is exciting to read (sometimes) and carthartic to write but painful for the other people involved and tends to embitter people. Not my thing to read or write.
Congratulations for striking balance!
Posted by: Kim | June 08, 2012 at 01:48 AM
I was 17 when my twin boys were born. I wasn't always a good mom. Sometimes I think about how selfish I was - some of the things I've said or done or not done - and it breaks. my. heart. So yeah, I hear you. You're not alone. I appreciate you sharing the truth about your life. If we all start being honest about our bad parts then other people won't be so ashamed of theirs. Keep on it Karen!
Posted by: Christy | June 09, 2012 at 08:53 PM
Oh, Karen, I think we could be good, good friends! I just found your blog tonight (thanks to Kerri Bradford's fb post) and have been reading and looking and reading some more on it all evening. Too many hours actually. And then I found this post and decided that we should really be friends. Well, I live in Seattle and you live in Alabama (I think?), so phooey. But that's okay because you are now bookmarked in my computer, which means you're bookmarked in my life, so that's good. :) I'm looking forward to getting to know you better! *Briana
Posted by: Briana | June 09, 2012 at 09:29 PM
I think you are bloody marvelous and I think you have done a great job with what you have been dealt with.
If I lived near you, I would be over to share a laugh with you and share my life with you since I can really relate to you since we are so much alike. I just wish that there were more people like you since it would make life easier for most of us. HONEST people are hard to come by!
Take care!
I have been following you for years and am the one that contacted you about where to get your Marratives products many moons ago and you replied trying to help me locate them since I am in Canada which I greatly appreciated.
Posted by: Lyn Onotsky | June 16, 2012 at 10:01 PM
I am such a lurker (and also perpetually behind on my blog reading these days) but even though it's a month old, I had to leave a comment here for you because this blog post felt like a hug. And blog posts his wonderful and honest and heartfelt deserve a comment saying so.
Posted by: Dawn | June 22, 2012 at 06:44 AM