When I woke Coley up on Sunday morning, I reminded him that he had some chores to do before church and that if he didn't get the chores done before we left, he wouldn't be able to go over to his friend's house that afternoon like he had planned.
He grumbled and started to crawl out of bed and then in the next 40 minutes, accomplished nothing other than getting dressed and eating a granola bar in his typical, slow-motion-Coley-pace.
And I know (from Parenting With Love & Logic) that I should have just kept my mouth shut, let him fail to get his chores done on time and then let him suffer the natural consequences of not being able to go over to his friend's house.
But the mother in me couldn't help but nag - totally going against everything I learned in Love & Logic...
"How in the world can it take you 40 minutes to put your clothes on and eat a granola bar? Here, I'll get dressed and I'll eat a granola bar and we'll see exactly how long it takes me. I'm not joking, if you don't get those chores done, you're not going to your friend's house and you'll have no one to be mad at except for yourself. So don't blame me."
After about the third time of hearing that, Coley responded in a tone and a decibel level that is simply not allowed in this house when speaking to a parent.
And not to be outdone, I kicked up my own tone and decibel level a notch or two (ok, maybe three) and told him that if he knew what was good for him, he'd leave the room (at a pace much faster than his typical, slow-motion-Coley-pace) while I cooled down.
About 20 minutes later, we stood in the kitchen and talked.
I explained to him that as a family, it doesn't matter whose dog it is or who left the trail of muddy footprints in the living room or who spilled the most crumbs on the floor during dinner - that we all had to pitch in to take care of things and clean up, because we are a family and that's how families thrive.
And then I went on to point out all of the things I do on a daily basis. All the messes I clean up that aren't mine. All the errands I run and all the details I take care of that don't benefit me personally - but they benefit our family so I do them.
And that out of respect and obedience, I expected nothing other than a 'Yes mom.' or an 'Ok mom.' whenever I asked him to do something. Period. No if-ands-or-buts.
But those are all things he already knows.
He just needs to take those words and he needs to find a way to make them stick.
And then I went on to share this story...
A few months back, a couple from our Bible study group went out to eat at one of those great little burrito-joints where you stand in line and tell the gal behind the counter what kind of beans, meat and toppings you want on your burrito. When they got there though, the place was really busy and there was only one employee, struggling to keep up on her own. And while they waited in line, they noticed that an acquaintance of theirs, who was all dressed up in a suit and tie was there with his family also and that as the acquaintance and his family finished their meal and started to leave, he bussed the table his family had been sitting at and then without saying a word, went on to bus every other table in the restaurant as well and then quietly left.
He didn't tell the employee what he had done in order to receive her gratitude and he didn't make eye-contact with anyone in the restuarant in order to receive their acknowledgement.
He just saw something that needed to be done and he did it.
It didn't matter to him that he hadn't made the mess and it didn't matter to him that there would be no (earthly) reward for it either.
He just did it.
He just did it.
Quite honestly, I'd have no problem with bussing a restuarant full of dirty tables. The problem is, I just wouldn't think to do it in the first place. And if I did think to do it, I'd secretly desire praise.
"Ummm, excuse me...did anyone notice how selfless I am?"
And ever since I heard that story, I knew that I needed to find a way to make it stick.
Awhile back, someone mentioned to me that acts of generosity don't always have to be big acts. Sometimes they can be small acts like parking further away from the grocery store even when there are closer parking spots, just because there might be some single-mom who is having a hard day and has to brave the grocery store with four little kiddos in-tow to buy food that she can hardly afford. And finding a parking spot closer to the store might just make her day a tiny bit easier.
And it would give my chunkie-butt some much-needed exercise anyhow.
And I'm not that person.
But I want to be.
And I want to raise kids that are those kind of people.
And I think my kids really want to be those kinds of people too, even without my urging.
They just need little reminders (just like I do) and they need someone (like the man at the burrito-joint) to show them what it looks like to live it out.
They just need someone to teach them how to make it stick.
And I just have to remember that it won't stick unless my tone and my decibel level are in sync with the lesson I'm trying to teach.
Oh, how I struggle with making that one stick.
And even more importantly, they need to see ME acting like the man at the burrito-joint.
And so Coley and I talked. And we swapped stories. And we hugged it out. And we reconnected.
And he didn't complain once about not being able to go to his friend's house.
And he didn't even complain when I asked him to clean the fridge after he had finished all his other chores.
He just did it.
In fact, we spent most of the afternoon working on the house together and every time he'd finish one chore, he'd say, "Hey mom, what do you want me to do next?"
And later that evening while he was playing on my computer, I overhead him say to his Grandma, "Hey Paka, I figured something out today...If I spend half of my day helping mom, she'll let me do just about anything I want for the rest of the day. I've been playing video games for two hours now!"
Yep, that's pretty much how it works Coley - lucky you to have figured it out at 11.
Now, you've just got to make it stick.
The other day, I heard someone say, "It doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do."
I can't quit thinking about that. And I keep finding myself reciting it throughout the day; when I don't feel like exercising, when I'm feeling impatient with my kids, when I don't feel like doing the dishes, etc., etc.
And I can't help but think that that is the key to making it stick.
I just have to do what is right, do what is good for me, do things for others and do it regularly, regardless of my emotions because my emotions are constantly changing anyway. Our emotions are like the waves of the sea. Our emotions are fickle. Our emotions can build us up one minute and pummel us to the ground the next. Our emotions can shower someone with love one minute and hurt them the next. Our emotions can be reckless and sabatoging. And our emotions are based on our own perceptions and life experiences and therefore, they're not always in line with the truth anyhow.
But emotions are nothing more than that.
They're just feelings.
So it really doesn't matter what I feel, it only matters what I do.
In fact, I'll bet the guy at the burrito-joint didn't really feel like bussing all those tables.
But he did it anyhow and that's all that matters.
So make it stick Karen. Make it stick for crying out loud. Make. It. Stick.
And if you're reading this Josh Downs...It feels so good to be on the home-stretch.
Oh my gosh, Karen, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. Just do. And make. it.stick. Thank you!!!!
Posted by: Stephanie Vetne | February 01, 2012 at 12:23 PM
You are an amazing mother! I love this post! Thank you for sharing your stories, Karen. As a struggling single mom to a great 6yo girl, it's posts like these that help me through the day sometimes!
Posted by: Nichole | February 01, 2012 at 12:35 PM
Thank you so much for sharing this today. It is something that will certainly stick with me. I made a few notes of the words I needed to hear. Bless you all as you get to the end of your separation!
Posted by: Julie | February 01, 2012 at 12:44 PM
Thanks for the message it was really encouraging and so many useful tips I can use with my children. Now, I've just got to make it stick as well!
Posted by: rach | February 01, 2012 at 12:47 PM
Thank you for sharing this. I really (REALLY) needed to read this today.
Posted by: jamie z. | February 01, 2012 at 12:54 PM
LOVE it! Love that Cole told Grandma he could do what ever he wanted after!
I once saw a homeless man with a puppy in the park. He didn't have a leash, and the law says you have to have a leash so as we were leaving I gave him ours. (Heck, I wanted a new one anyways.) Another man saw me do it and asked the homeless guy if he knew me, and he said he didn't. The other guy looked at me like I was from Mars and asked "Why did you just do that?" and I said "Why not?" He was so surprised it almost ruined my moment.
Posted by: Kelli | February 01, 2012 at 12:55 PM
Thank you for this. It's something I think we all struggle with on a daily basis. I sure needed to hear this today, so thank you again.
Posted by: Casey S | February 01, 2012 at 12:57 PM
Beautiful Karen! I really needed this today. And tomorrow ;)
Posted by: Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita | February 01, 2012 at 01:00 PM
Oh my...you sent me a message I needed to hear today Karen. Here's to making it stick. I really, really need to make it stick. Thank you.
Posted by: Lynn | February 01, 2012 at 01:00 PM
thanks! i totally needed that reminder/kick in the rump today! i forget so easily!
Posted by: lindsay | February 01, 2012 at 01:06 PM
This is wonderful! Recently I've read a couple of articles that have stuck with me much longer than I anticipated. I know this will join that list. Thanks!
Posted by: JayEssJay | February 01, 2012 at 01:20 PM
Wow! Thank you for sharing this. I've been struggling to convince my 8 year old and his dad this same thing. I am going to share this with both of them. Hopefully we can all make it stick. Love your blog! <3
Posted by: A Facebook User | February 01, 2012 at 01:21 PM
love this post.
Posted by: Jess | February 01, 2012 at 02:05 PM
Excellent post! Such a good reminder for us all. Thank you.
Posted by: Donna Anderson | February 01, 2012 at 02:05 PM
I have my hand raised along with everyone else commenting ... I definitely needed to hear this today! Love it!!! I'm raising my children with similiar goals, and have also done the "Love and Logic" parenting series. It's just the daily putting it into practice that can be a challenge. Thanks for sharing your struggles because it encouraged me to keep on keepin' on.
Posted by: kristen ohran | February 01, 2012 at 02:12 PM
Thank you!
Posted by: Catrina | February 01, 2012 at 02:32 PM
Ditto for me too, Karen...this is what I needed to read today. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Posted by: Janel | February 01, 2012 at 02:44 PM
Awesome post Karen. And as always, you have a great photo to go along with the story. But this time it is the story that shines.
Posted by: Michelle | February 01, 2012 at 03:01 PM
I am a single married mom...in other words, I am married but my husband works such horrible hours that we very rarely see him for more than a few hours a week...I have really been feeling sorry for myself lately about how much more I have to do by myself...this was just the story I needed today...Thank you. More importantly, I want to share it with my teaching staff. I am an administrator in a very poor urban elementary school, and my staff is feeling burned out about all that they do everyday. This will help. Thank you again!!!
Posted by: Laura | February 01, 2012 at 03:17 PM
Thanks so much, Karen!
Posted by: Bernice J | February 01, 2012 at 03:45 PM
Loved this blog post! This is exactly where I'm at right now, I've been trying so hard to 'make it stick' with routines and organisation with both myself and my son (who sounds just like Cole in so many ways). So far it's working wonders, for my sanity and for my sons sense of responsibility. He's also become super sweet and helpful (and gets rewarded in return :-) )
Posted by: Brooke | February 01, 2012 at 04:15 PM
I should have read this BEFORE dinner. I allowed myself shamelessly to reach the highest pitch and to say some not so nice words. Thank you for the reminder; because I really needed it tonight!
Be blessed,
t
Posted by: Tera | February 01, 2012 at 04:45 PM
This one does it. You are going to have to put out a book. Or book up your blogs. I want to be able to go back and read your posts, and while you're at it, please include the photos with the blogs.
Accept my pre-order of about 50 so I can give them to all my friends.
Praying for safe returns from far travels, and can hardly wait along with you so you all can be together in one room again.
Luvya.
Posted by: Nancy Boothe | February 01, 2012 at 04:58 PM
Thank you so much for sharing this. We're going through a rough patch with our 18 year old son and your words were so encouraging to me. Reading this tonight was a divine appointment. God bless you and your family, Karen.
Posted by: JennyB | February 01, 2012 at 05:30 PM
Love this!
Posted by: Mandy B | February 01, 2012 at 05:45 PM
Thank you.
Posted by: CarolineD | February 01, 2012 at 06:13 PM
Thank you...your words and insight are such a blessing to all of us lucky readers. Your honesty is so beautiful and so uplifting...off to go take care of my munchkins with your wonderful words of wisdom leading me. :)
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 01, 2012 at 06:13 PM
you just humbled me... its something i needed to read today. thank you for sharing!!
Posted by: jea | February 01, 2012 at 06:14 PM
Life just seems to suck lately!! And coming and reading your struggles just puts me at ease and your approach is what i too am trying to find. Think about you and the kiddos everyday and that you are in the home stretch!!! miss ya!
Posted by: Nikki M | February 01, 2012 at 06:21 PM
I'm with Nancy. We need a book. This post and your other explaining praise to your kids both may be forwarded on to my Pastor. You just explain things in the best way...both for me to explain to my kids, and for me to understand them better myself.
As usual your post has me crying and smiling at the same time. Love your blog.
Tammy
Posted by: tammy t | February 01, 2012 at 06:23 PM
I received some horrific news today that will alter my life completely. As I plan my future, I know I just have to do what is right, do what is good for me and give myself time to heal. Thank you! I vow to remember this!
Posted by: Cheryl | February 01, 2012 at 06:40 PM
Hit the nail on the head - I love this. And I wrote down "it doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do" because that is so, so good. Thank you for this post!
Posted by: Carrie | February 01, 2012 at 06:44 PM
What an awesome, awesome, awesome post! Thank you so much for sharing this post today. So true, and so encouraging. I'll be keeping this in mind the next time I'm nagging my kids or raising my voice. Thank you.
Posted by: Erin | February 01, 2012 at 06:51 PM
oh karen... i so needed this today. thank you so very much for this beautiful well-written message. i'm going to do my best "to-make-it-stick!"
Posted by: Libbi M. | February 01, 2012 at 07:02 PM
It may not matter what you feel but it does matter why you do what you do. You do it to bring glory to God and your savior Jesus ... and HE is the one that'll make it stick. :) And He will, Karen because he loves you and your kiddos. :) Hugs from a friend you've never met.
Posted by: Lacey | February 01, 2012 at 07:12 PM
I had the hardest day today with my 2 kiddos, and lost my cool more than I should have.... You make me really think sometimes!!! It makes me feel normal. : ) Thank you!!
Posted by: Paige | February 01, 2012 at 07:19 PM
First of all, YAY..HOMESTRETCH! I can't wait to hear that Josh Downs is in the US and back with you.
Second, Sometimes Love and Logic goes out the window and I hate that and I try so hard but I obviously need to try harder. I need to make several things stick. I REALLY really really needed this today. I love how real you are and I love how Coley is. He reminds me of my oldest son. He's not my first born but has always had an old soul and reminds me of Coley. He's 7 1/2. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Shannon Laux | February 01, 2012 at 07:24 PM
Oh the kids are SO SO lucky!!! Stick together!!!
Posted by: janel | February 01, 2012 at 07:40 PM
You honesty and openess about motherhood - the hard parts - are refreshing and inspiring.
Thanks. Now I need to go make something stick.
Posted by: Kristi | February 01, 2012 at 07:40 PM
Great post! Thank you so much for being so open and honest lately. I've always loved your blog and you've always been pretty open and honest, but it seems like you're opening up in a new, big way. I truly appreciate it.
Posted by: melissa | February 01, 2012 at 07:55 PM
Love that you mustered up enough courage to admit that you're not "that" person. Neither am I. But since we are a work in progress there is hope for tomorrow!
Posted by: ana roat | February 01, 2012 at 08:32 PM
That was awesome, Karen. Thanks for sharing it. I wouldn't be surprised if the man at the burrito-to-go place might have been silently teaching his own kids a lesson by quietly performing a random act of service. That was probably more important to him than any praise he would have received.
Posted by: Lisa V. | February 01, 2012 at 08:36 PM
I agree with Nancy....I love this post!!
Posted by: Sarah | February 01, 2012 at 10:13 PM
This is just what I needed to hear to do. I wrote the "It doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do" on a sticky note and put it up on the fridge. Just as a reminder not to loose myself in irrelevant emotions....
Thank you for your great words - thank you for sharing.
Posted by: A Facebook User | February 02, 2012 at 12:43 AM
What a good reminder.....thank you for writing this post.....this was very well needed in my life right now....
Posted by: Linda / Seattle | February 02, 2012 at 04:48 AM
Love it! I am doing my own version of 52 Smiles and calling it 26 Smiles That I Can Stick Too! We are into Smile action number 2! This week is to take cookies to fireman + police men in our area! I have already bought all the cookie mixes, yesterday whenever we were outside I could hear the firetrucks and police cars going all over our neighborhood and around our area. We don't live in a bad area but I feel like it was God reminding me "Hey you said you were going to do this now get it done!" Thanks for helping me make it stick and reminding me to get off the damn computer and get my bake on!
Posted by: Kate | February 02, 2012 at 05:40 AM
What a strong and amazing message - thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work. You are not only inspiring your kids, but us readers as well. :)
Posted by: barb | February 02, 2012 at 06:20 AM
I sooo needed to hear this! You have such a way with words that I might have a chance of making it stick!! Thanks
Posted by: Beth P | February 02, 2012 at 07:21 AM
Karen Russell, you inspired me this morning! I love your honesty- and your post today was wonderful. I am saving this one to my computer to read again. Words to live by!
Posted by: Melinda Anderson | February 02, 2012 at 07:26 AM
Thanks...I needed that!! <3
Posted by: Tina G | February 02, 2012 at 07:26 AM
Such a great post - for all of us!! When I was pregnant (in the hot Phoenix summer) so many people would return my grocery cart for me after I had unloaded the contents into my car. Each time I was surprised and grateful... what an EASY gesture that I had never thought of in a million years. But I try to now...
Thanks, Karen!!
Posted by: kristin | February 02, 2012 at 07:52 AM
love your blog. love you. love your whole dang family. smooch!!
Posted by: karlalala | February 02, 2012 at 08:02 AM
Love this post. Makes me think about how I want to raise my daughter. Thanks, Karen.
Posted by: kristin | February 02, 2012 at 09:12 AM
This is such a common theme amongst women and mothers. It certainly resonates with me. I love with your "do it" idea -- I just hope we all remember to look at the things they are already "doing", and not be overly critical of ourselves. Just the act of being a mother is selfless and requires a million acts of kindness and service each day. For every time you've raised your decibels too high, I bet there are 20 times you gave your kids a hug or fixed them a sandwich or told them they were wonderful. So give yourself a pat on the back while you're motivating yourself to do more. :)
Posted by: Jen | February 02, 2012 at 09:42 AM
The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking about my husband, how he groans and rolls his eyes when I remind him of his chores.
Parenting applies to husbands too.
Posted by: Tiffany | February 02, 2012 at 09:42 AM
Wow! There's a reason why yours is the first blog I go to. Thanks for being so open about sharing your reality.
Posted by: Sandra A | February 02, 2012 at 09:45 AM
Love this post! I struggle with the same things with my kids. I need to be a better "leader by example".
Posted by: Sharesa | February 02, 2012 at 10:46 AM
Karen, thanks for the lesson. I needed this and I too have to work on making.it.stick... You make me smile :)
Posted by: Shannon | February 02, 2012 at 10:52 AM
Thanks for continuing to write on your blog. Posts like these are what a lot of us need. I was exhuasted from nagging my 3 kids way too much yesterday when I should have been practicing Love & Logic. It's always so much easier to look back and think about what we should've done - I do it more than I wish to admit! It's those emotions that you're talking about. They get in the way too much! When we are calm and cooled down, that's when we can think "logically" and have that beautiful image of how the "lesson" should've gone (which is part of what L&L is all about). I'll try to remember to make what I DO matter and not what I FEEL matter. I really like that. Now, how to make it stick....
Posted by: Kim P | February 02, 2012 at 11:40 AM
Good stuff Karen. And it just screams of the book of James... Faith without deeds is worthless (paraphrasing here)!
Tying to make that stick right now too:)
Posted by: Sam | February 02, 2012 at 11:48 AM
Your words are so true and they resonated with me today as well. Especially the part about not feeling like exercise, or not feeling like following a healthy eating plan. They're just feelings and sometimes, they're not good for me. Thanks for sharing Karen, you don't know how many of us connect with what you say. Blessings for a safe return for Josh and his buddies.
Posted by: young nanny | February 02, 2012 at 01:38 PM
love your blog Karen.
i sent this to my hubby because i have learned another lesson today. and somehow, i can relate as this is also my struggle.
thanks you for sharing this. you greatly influenced me (in a good way) through your blog.
God bless!
Posted by: kristina p | February 03, 2012 at 04:43 AM
You are my chruch and my preacher Mrs Downs, i too will work on making it stick
Posted by: Michelle Last | February 03, 2012 at 05:23 AM
I love this post and read it 2 days ago and have thought about it several times since. The part about doing things for the better of the entire family really spoke to me. Thanks for your insight Karen :)
Posted by: Kari | February 03, 2012 at 06:15 AM
Wow, Karen....You seriously should be mentoring or something.
This is an awesome message, and one, sadly to say, isn't taught at most churches any more, and even more sadly, isn't taught at home. So glad to know that you guys are among the few to start them young and keep teaching all the way through adulthood. You do teach more by doing than by saying. What a great example!
Love you! Love the message in this post!
Posted by: LaVonne Bateman | February 03, 2012 at 07:31 AM
your ringing in my head for last 2 days. looks like we all need to be more sticky.
Posted by: Ada | February 03, 2012 at 07:46 AM
You're a good mom Karen Downs, don't ever doubt it....
Posted by: JoAnn | February 03, 2012 at 08:11 AM
great post... joyce meyers has a book on this exact topic ... thank you for sharing things close to your heart.. He speaks through you to reach many of us ...
Posted by: kate | February 03, 2012 at 09:29 AM
Thanks so much for this post....I needed to hear it for myself today....and now I am going to go do some things that I really don't feel like doing, but that need to be done!
Posted by: janet k | February 03, 2012 at 10:29 AM
OH...you tell her too, she has been soo brave and it is only fair to have as many little crying spells as she needs. My girls who are much older cry when they think their dad is going to be gone for a day or twoo.
Posted by: Lisa | February 03, 2012 at 10:35 AM
I think all the other comments are exaclty like mine, BUT- thanks for sharing! This is exactly what I needed to hear today!
Posted by: Lori | February 03, 2012 at 12:10 PM
Love, love, love, love, LOVE this post. I'm working on some of the same things (with myself and with my kiddos) and I definitely needed to hear this. I'll be thinking of the burrito-man and remembering that "it's not what I feel, it's what I do" this week. Thank you for sharing!
Posted by: Michelle (aka mybelle101) | February 05, 2012 at 07:47 PM
Beautiful. Thanks for the gentle reminder....to just DO IT already.
Posted by: Valerie | February 06, 2012 at 09:06 AM
I think God sent you to me today. This is just the message I needed told in the way I needed it be told. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Posted by: Niki | February 06, 2012 at 11:40 AM
this is just what i needed today and i know i am a few days behind but thank you so very much for this and for your blog God works threw you in so many ways and i just want you to know how much of a blessing you are!!!
Posted by: Janna Buckmaster | February 06, 2012 at 05:08 PM
Keep it up!! You have the most inspiring real life ideas, chats, etc....I am so blessed when I read your blog! Thanks for posting something that hits home!
Posted by: Denise~Paper Ponderings | February 08, 2012 at 10:47 AM
Thanks for the great post! I'm always looking for ways to relay this thinking without saying the same thing over and over. I try to be that guy bussing the table and I so want my kids to be that person as well. Can't wait for some Josh Downs homecoming pics...he really is a keeper, what a great Dad, husband and selfless soldier he is. Those are things that I also want my son to be.:)
Posted by: Cathy Swandal | February 10, 2012 at 07:39 AM
It doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do...is now on a sticky note attached to my office computer. Thank you so for sharing such deep inspiration today. Like everyone else...its just what I am needing today (and everyday!)
Blessings!
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Posted by: to-do list | July 13, 2012 at 11:11 PM
Today was one of my favorite posts - I LOVE classic cars and we go to the Whiskey Cafe in Lyndhurst, NJ, every Saturday night, during spring and summer and early fall. They have 50s music blaring through the speakers and the entire parking lot is FULL of cars, hundreds of them!!! I'll have to do a post myself!!!
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