The Real Work

We were all leaving the house at 6:30 this morning.

Me, with the kids loaded up my car, waiting for it to heat up a bit so we could go out to the coffee shop in Jacksonville to study spelling words and Bible verses before school and Josh, with Shelby loaded up in the back of his truck, getting ready to head out to work.

But before we left, Josh walked over to my car to scrape the ice off the windshield (My preferred method of ice removal is repeatedly and simultaneously pressing the water sprayer and the windshield wipers because scraping ice off the windshield is way too laborious and cold for me.) and then he came to the passenger-side window where Cole was sitting and slowly wrote "H+V=Forever" backwards, so we could read it from inside the car. (I call Josh "Harriet" from a quote he sent me from by Harriet Beecher Stowe when we first started dating and he calls me "Valentine" because we met the day before Valentines Day, eight years ago on an airplane out of Atlanta, Georgia.)

And later that morning after I dropped the kids off at school and was driving in the car by myself, I started thinking about how lucky our kids are that they get to witness little (but big) gestures of love like that.

And sure, they get to see other stuff too because sometimes we bicker, and sometimes their mom goes to the movies by herself because that's what she does when she's not getting along with their dad, and sometimes they hear their dad slamming a door, and sometimes they see us being cordial, but quiet with one another because we do that as well.

But honestly, I think its ok that they see those things and that we discuss those things with them, because one day, they're probably going to be married too and if the only things we ever allowed them to see were the more 'perfect' parts of our marriage, then they might think that their own marriages were a failure in comparison.

We just finished up a study with another couple on a book called, "The Meaning of Marriage" and about two weeks into the study, Josh made a comment in front of our friends that "our honeymoon was over." I was immediateley embarrassed and offended and said, "When do you think our honeymoon ended and why do you think it's over?" to which he replied, "I don't know...maybe a month ago when you told me that you wanted a divorce?!?" (That's another story for another time, but yes, I have threatened divorce on two separate occasions during our marriage when I was letting outside stressors get the better of me, but thankfully, Josh knows and accepts how utterly ridiculous I am at times.)

Then he went onto say something like, "But don't worry baby, now that the honeymoon is over, God can start doing the real work."

And while I still don't agree that the honeymoon is over, I do agree that God is starting to do the 'real' work.

It just sucks that sometimes, the 'real' work is painful.

But through it, I think we're becoming quicker to apologize. I think we're choosing to not be so easily offended. I think we're learning to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to accept each other's mistakes. I think we're realizing that even with the best of intentions, we're still going to let each other down sometimes. I think we're learning to put the needs of our marriage over our individual desires. I think we're learning to tell each other what we want instead of expecting the other person to read our minds. I think our friendship is becoming more authentic. I think we're more in love than ever. And maybe most importantly, I think we're realizing that our marriage has a generational impact on our kids and our grandkids and even our great grandkids that make it worth fighting for.

In fact, I called him earlier this afternoon to talk with him about an idea I had, and though our conversation quickly turned sour, I was able to say good-bye and hang up the phone without feeling offended like I would have in the past. 

Then he called back just a few minutes later to apologize and said he was going to stop by the house before picking up Courtney Lee for their lunch date so we could talk some more. Unfortunately, that conversation ended on a sour note as well, but still, I didn't feeling overly offended.

And then during his lunch date with Courtney, he texted me say, "We're still on for our date tonight and I'd like to continue our conversation."

Which is all just proof that the 'real' work is fruitful because for the better part of the last eight years, my husband has purposely gone out of his way to avoid any and every emotional and/or difficult conversation possible, but today, he intentionally came back to discuss the same, difficult topic, not once, but three times.

So now I'm going to go do my hair so I look cute for our date.

Round Three.

Hope your weekend is great.

Comments

[Shan]

Love this! 15 years ago on V-day my husb2and took me out on our first date. We were married a little over 5 years later when I was 21 (he was 27) and while our honeymoon has been over for quite some time...I think we are much better for it. It's been hard but worth it. I too think it's so important for them to see the not so good stuff as well as the good stuff. It real life. :) Enjoy your date night!!!

[Lynn]

Karen, thank you. Your post rings so true to me. The real work in the end I think is the best work! Your children are so lucky to have the two of you. I hope you and Josh have a fabulous date night!

[Robin... the one in ND who has yet to finish :)]

Love you and Josh Downs and how much you are willing to share (and not share... cuz I know that there is more to your life)... but I am grateful you share the 'real' work with us. I think I will share this post with my Harriet and see what he thinks of it. Maybe we can read the book you recommended cuz we sure could use it.

[Cyndie Granato]

This is so true for me and my marriage. A couple of months ago we went through a pretty rough time... but we are stronger for it, and I love that even when it is hard, we are both very definitely on the relationship's side.

[Patty Hetrick]

I know all about the honeymoon being "over" and the real work. We have been married 15 1/2 years and I am pretty straight-forward with my husband. I tell him that I owe it to him to tell him how I feel and he should do the same. We have both been known to bottle up things a bit, me earlier in the marriage and him later. Then we must work on those feelings and those situations that don't always leave us feeling happy. Our 13 year old usually sees it all and we talk about it a lot. I want her to know what she may expect in marriage and what a healthy, but not always happy, marriage is about. I don't want to be one of those couples that has little respect or love for one another and we part ways after our child leaves home. Keep up the hard work, Karen! It's hard to find the perfect love and keep it alive:)

[Kathy]

All of it true and very hard to say out loud albeit on a blog....however we are looking forward to the cute photos of you ready for your date...hope you enjoy your evening.

[Gayle]

Keep up the hard work! I have been married 49 years and we still have to keep on working....me, most of all because as you say "I am easily offended". The stories I could tell about 'unintentional' offenses. I have found the kinder I am the kinder he is, not in a phoney way...just listen, show interest, respect his foibles ( ha), and be nicer than I sometimes want to be. Having the kids grown has presented a whole different set of issues and don't go to retirement stories, yi, yi, yi....Our kids see us fighting in a whole new way!
I love your honesty.

[Michelle]

I too know about the honeymoon being over. We dated for 6 yrs. before we got married and are coming up on our 18th yr of marriage in May. My husband and I have been through alot. We have had a lot of interference, a lot of his family that doesn't want us together. We have endured being ostracized, nasty mean comments, complete lack of moral support from the beginning. We have learned to rely on each other. We have learned to make things work between us and if we can't, we just don't do. We have had huge fights. The "divorce" word has come up a couple of times, but we make it work and work at working things out. Marriage is hard work all the time. Sometimes we give more than we get. But, it all works out in the end. I think all of the adversity has made our relationship stronger. I hope you had a good time on your date night. Lately, our date nights consist of trips to the grocery store or to Home Depot for more things for projects around here. LOL

[Amber Good]

I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed peeking at your blog. I found it accidentally by clicking on 'next blog' after I finished looking at my Aunt Beverly's blog, MySewSweetStudio.

I love the ocean, photography, dogs and kids and Australia, so your blog was really a lot of fun to look through. What beautiful children you have. I say I love Australia, but what I really mean is I would love to visit there some day. My very closest friends in Las Vegas, Diane and Weldon Russell, lived in Tasmania for many years. Hearing about Oz from them and other Ozzies I've met here in the USA, has me convinced it's a land I would love living in.

Well, I'll close for now. I will surely try to remember to peek in on you occasionally. Sorry, I don't have a blog or children (but I do have a life...lol) so if you were ever interested you could find me on facebook (ambergood702@yahoo.com). I hope you have a wonderful day. Thanks for an interesting view into one of my dream countries.

[Kristen]

Tears Karen! You have a way with words and a way of handling
situations that really touches me. I am not a crying kind of gal, but no one would believe me if they see me when I read your blog. This post rings oh so true. Bless you for fighting the good fight, for you and your husband, for your kids, for the generations that will follow you, and a huge Thank You for sharing it in such a public way to inspire others. May God bless you and Harriett!

[Trista]

Your post came at the perfect time for me. My husband and I don't argue much, I can think of maybe three real arguments in the past 13 years, but we're in the midst of a new one now, and while I know we'll come through it just fine, and probably better, it helped to read your account of a very real working marriage. Have a great date night tonight--that always helps!

[amanda june]

I am an often-read, rarely-comment kind of gal...but I just had to let you know how beautiful your honesty and authenticity (and the growth of your marriage!) are. I think you're right -- it's so important for people (kids, grown ups, whoever) to see and understand the hard and the good (and that the hard can be really good) and not to have grave misconceptions about what marriage and healthy relationships look like. As someone who's engaged to be married in 4 and a half months (!), thanks for your words -- they are real, beautiful, and hope-filled. Thank you for being so very open with your life. I know I'm not the only one blessed by it!

(p.s. that Tim Keller book is great! Any other marriage/relationship books you'd recommend?)

[lea anne]

Thank you for posting this. I am currently in couples counseling and we are seeing as adults that it is "work". That love and happiness will not get you through. We are sitting down on weekends and writing out action plans for the week. We text constantly through the day. We are learning to just hug one another and deal with the bs stuff later. So far so good! I wished that there was an emphasis placed on marriage like there is getting a college degree etc. We would be so much better off if we were prepared. Good luck and hope you had a great night date!

[Tammy]

Once again so good Karen. I have come to realize that the hard work and the pay-off are the good stuff. And that it's maybe sometimes better than, or just different than the Honeymoon period. Richer, more rewarding. And I love that you are so transparent with your kids, with your readers. It really means a lot. And we have been trying to do the same here. Show the kids how to work out disagreements, because they will happen. And then let them witness when we kiss and make-up. I think they need to know that relationships are work, but so worth it.

Tammy

[Kelli]

Someone once told me "you guys do everything together!" And she said it in a not nice way. But I didn't take it that way, I realized she was jealous that we enjoy each other's company as a married couple. . And it's not always happy, fun times, but we do it all together.
I love how real you are on your blog. I'd get tired of it if it was all "here we are happy!" all the time.

[Mary Jo Griego]

I was married but 12 years ago (it will be 13 this year) but it ended in divorce. I am now taking a class at church called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. He has written a book and has the video series for purchaseI highly recommend it for ALL married people. Although I am not married, I have a lot of friends that are. Some of which are going down that same road and I can see divorce looming around the corner. There are major difference between men and women. "Not wrong, just different." Had I learned this stuff years ago I would most likely still be married. If you have a desire to get off the "crazy cycle" I urge you to check out this book and see about renting the video series. You will be amazed at the stuff you will learn about your differences.

[JoAnn]

a friend posted this on FB this week:

To all my mama friends . . . From this morning's marriage conference - " evaluating the health of your marriage while raising small children is like deciding to evaluate your physical health while RUNNING up the steepest part of the mountain you have decided to climb." Perspective.

It's so true- and no one tells us this when we jump in. Marriage is hard. Raising kids is hard. When you have a good partner who wants to work with you- do the work. It's so worth it.

[kat-in-texas]

I think Andy Stanley's latest series is going to be the bomb. Those miraculous 3 words: Love One Another.

It's just so hard putting someone else first when they irritate us half the time, but that's what Jesus is saying to do. Grrrr!!! :)

[amy emery]

thank you for this!
yes, hard work.
and harder to remember in the down seasons than the up.
working on showing him the respect, especially in front of the kids, so important.
sad to have missed out on this session of Photographer's Workshop--wanted to repeat with my new Canon 7D!
next time, I hope :)
God bless.

[Nicole prather]

Do we have the same life ?

Always thanks for sharing the bits of life nobody' wants to talk a out ? I ordered the book from amazon the question book you talked about on your McCloud trip and on vday we sat that night laughed cried and let something's go !!

And I just ordered :the 5 love languages have you heard of it ? It was on on vday on my Christian radio supposedly will change your life !!! We shall see !!

Xo

[Leslie]

H=Harriet. What is V?

[Heather]

Love, love, love this post!!! I love that you are not afraid to share with all of us that you, Josh Downs and your family are "real" ... I don't mean that in a negative way at all either ... I have never thought you were "fake" but I know there are comments that come in that way. I love you, your family and the way that you tell your life stories. Your life stories have helped me deal with different things in my own life ... I have learned from you and your family and for that I am truly grateful!!! My husband and I will celebrate 19 years of marriage this year and let me just say that it hasn't been easy; but, I can say that your words on the "generational impact" are ones I will remember because my own marriage and it's impact is worth fighting for as well!!! So with that I will end with THANK YOU Karen Russell!!!

[Ada]

anything and everything thats worth a damn is worth fighting for.
And I know.
I've fought hard. Just like you- with a million adversaries, most of which are in my head on rewind.

Good jobs Josh Downs, you picked up a new skill.
Karen-for all you share-thank you.

[Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita]

I love this Karen. And as long as it's a labor of love, don't be afraid of real work. Thanks for sharing with us!

[Melinda~]

Oh man, this went straight to my heart. I admit I cried. Im a single mom, so the idea of this wonderful thing you speak about makes me hurt. It hurts to think about how much loss my children might feel someday. God has not revealed the right one yet, but i just keep praying. I suppose each road has its own level of character building qualities. So glad you open up and share so much with us~

[angie urbon]

Almost 28 years of marriage to a wonderful man and guess what? This year we decided to see a marriage counselor. We had no fears of separating, much less divorce, but we both felt we could be better. We just weren't communicating with each other in a way that conveyed the love we really do feel. A month into counseling we have discovered sooo much about each other- Is it work? You betcha, it's also a choice. We choose to do the work knowing the reward will be well worth it. Thank you for your honest sharing of your beautiful, everyday challenges!

[Krista]

the post-honeymoon phase is the best. you aren't just seeing what you want to see, you are truly seeing & loving each other. keep working & growing together.

[Denise Armbruster]

My husband and I have been married for 27 years and most of those years we silently fought each other, we were both stubborn and frankly stupid. We are a year and a half into counseling and we have fallen back in love with each other and cleared up a lot of stuff, hard feelings, misread feelings, second guessing, etc. I get so upset and angry at the years lost and I have to continually remind myself there is no going back only forward and I am so excited about our future. It's a day by day reminder on how we should treat each other and listen to each other and it's one that I am loving. I'll never understand why we were so freaking stupid. Thanks for your honesty always.