Yesterday, I was still in my 30's.
Today, I am not.
We celebrated at the Mexican restaurant by our house.
I warned my girls that I was going to kick them in the shins if they told the waitor that it was my birthday, but apparently, my threats weren't enough to deter them.
And when all the employees showed up singing Happy Birthday in Spanish, I pointed to Josh's mom, trying to convince them that it was her birthday rather than mine.
Somehow, they still knew to put the hot pink sombrero on me though.
A few weeks ago, Yans asked me if I was going to start having a 'broken back' like Paka (my mom) because I was going to be 40 and sooooooo old.
Honestly though, I'm good with 40.
In fact, I kind of feel like my 40's are going to be good because I'm coming to understand a few things that I didn't understand before...
1. Sometimes the struggle is where the good stuff is. I read this quote a few days ago; "I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders." I think it's a Jewish Proverb, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to be of Jewish decent to believe it. And I'm convinced it's true because it's never been the good times in my life that have grown or matured me - rather, it's been the hard times when I was stretched thin, torn up, worn out and washed up that have grown me the most, in spite of the pain (or perhaps, because of the pain.) So I don't want to be fooled into idolizing success or fearing failure. I want to accept them both for what they really are; an opportunity to develop broader shoulders. (I've heard that many woman literally grow broader shoulders in their 4o's and 50's, so dear Lord, I'd like to clarify that I am not requesting physically broader shoulders, only metaphorically broader shoulders. Amen.)
2. I want to make a difference, not a point. I listened to something recently that really hit this home for me; "It's easy to make a point, but it's hard to make a difference." I don't want to be a person who wants to make a 'point.' Not with my husband, not with my kids, not with family, not with friends, not with acquaintances and not even with people I don't like or who don't like me. I want to make a difference and nothing else. (The problem is just that I seem to think I have so many good points.)
3. There's nothing wrong with grey areas. I've always been a person who is either all in or all out. I've always been black or white, resisting any shades of grey. (And I'm not referring to the book. I haven't even read the book, unless you count that one time that my sister tried to read me an excerpt from the book even after I closed the door on her while chanting, "La, la, la, la, I can't hear you." like a seven year-old.) Of course, when it comes to honesty, integrity and things of that nature, I'm still solidly in the black and white camp. But in other areas of my life, I'm thinking it's ok to let a little more grey in. My goal needs to be to eat reasonably, not perfectly. I want to volunteer, but that doesn't mean I can/should give up my career and become a full-time volunteer, so part-time is good for now. I need to be more patient, but realize that I'm flawed and I'm going to blow it sometimes, despite my best efforts. I think you're getting my point. (Darn, this trying not to prove a point thing might be harder than I thought.)
4. I'm never happy when I'm thinking about myself. When I'm focused on how little sleep I got last night, how much I ate yesterday, how frustrated I am with my kids, how much I want to replace the ugly linoleum in the kitchen, how I wish my muffin weren't hanging over the top of my jeans, how I'm never going to get caught up with my inbox, how I'm going to manage to cram everything into my schedule this week, how much I want to run away with the circus, how much that person hurt my feelings, and on and on, ad naseum, I'm miserable. Our pastor calls it "inward-eyeballitis" - when your thoughts (good or bad) get too centered on yourself. It's usually a chronic condition and most of us don't even know we have it. I can't remember if I've already shared this or not, but a year or so back, I was having one of those days where my inward-eyeballitis was so bad that I couldn't even get off the couch. And when my friend called and told me how bad her day was going, I got up, drove to Dutch Bros, (a local coffee stand) bought my friend a coffee and started driving to her house and on the drive there, I realized that I felt good for the first time all day. And that was the first time that I realized that the cure for my chronic case of inward-eyeballitis was to take my care and concern off of me and to put it onto someone else.
5. Application is everything. It doesn't matter what I know, it only matters what I do. I've heard the analogy that knowledge without application is like buying a can of paint, but never painting your walls with it. Unless you apply it, it's worthless.
6. I want to be soft and vulnerable. I met a girl a few weeks ago that has had a hard life. Really hard. But what I picked up on within minutes was that despite all of those things, she was still really soft and really vulnerable (and therefore, really beautiful.) And it got me thinking a lot about how hardness and cynicism can creep into a woman's life as a result of circumstance without her even knowing it and how it can rob her of small things, big things, or everything. I see it in myself. Areas where bitterness have made me jaded or leery or closed-off. Thinking that I'm protecting myself, when I'm actually the robber. And I don't want that. I want softness. I want vulnerability. And I want the beauty that comes along with it. And I know that puts me at a higher risk of being hurt, but I think that hardness and cynicism hurts me even worse, so I'm ok with that trade-off.
7. I think I'm ok. I've spent a lot of years feeling like I wasn't ok. In fact, I can't remember a time in my life when I did think I was ok. I spent some time with someone awhile back who (without any bad intentions - because she's a wonderful woman that I adore) brought all of this to a head. Her good experiences, her correct choices and her self-respect against the backdrop of my bad experiences, my incorrect choices and my lack of self-respect left me in a whirlwind that I just now feel like I'm starting to come out of. But I needed it. I needed to deal with it because I had spent a lifetime not dealing with it. And I'm not there yet - I'm not where I want or need to be in the whole process, but I'm seeing that I can do something with it. I can love on a teenage girl who is pregnant and scared and has made all the wrong choices because I was a teenage girl who was pregnant and scared and had made all the wrong choices. And maybe that can make me love her more deeply and help her more affectingly. And I think that all of those things are making me ok. Maybe even better than ok.
And therefore I'm thinking that my 40's are going to be ok too.
Happy Birthday Karen! Your blog is such a great gift to me. I love reading it. Welcome to the 40's :)
Posted by: Amy | January 04, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Happy Birthday Karen! The next forty will be fabulous! You inspire me in so many different areas with every single post!!! Thank you!
Posted by: Stacey | January 04, 2013 at 11:30 AM
happy birthday karen. hope your day is the best ever.
im 35 going to 36 and i remember my mother in law telling me that her pastor had told her that your thirties are the hardest in your life. and i come to find out he is right. but you do grow in your hardest times.
age is a number.
you are the most talented photographer i know and your blog is like my addiction to void out the world for a couple a minutes a day and know that i am not alone in my eyeballitis !! love it.
but at the end of the day i know that my God is greater than anything or anybody and i trust him that the road that we are on can be rough but we are never alone on this journey. and that makes the uncomfortableness of us growing not so bad.
xoxxo. you are amazing !
-nicole
Posted by: nicole prather | January 04, 2013 at 11:40 AM
Happy Birthday Karen!!!! Hope your day and weekend are wonderful! Love your blog post!
Posted by: Addie | January 04, 2013 at 12:02 PM
Happy Birthday! Enjoy your special day!
Posted by: Melinda T | January 04, 2013 at 12:11 PM
Happy Birthday! I am turning 40 this month, too, so your reflections were very encouraging.
Posted by: Julie | January 04, 2013 at 12:12 PM
Happy birthday, dear Karen! I know your 40s are going to be amazing!
Posted by: Heather T. | January 04, 2013 at 12:47 PM
Happy happy birthday Karen! You do 40 very good! I had no clue we shared the same birthday. I hope you enjoy your special day.
Posted by: Aurora | January 04, 2013 at 12:59 PM
Happy birthday, Karen!! I loved reading this, thank you!
Posted by: Melissa Ladd | January 04, 2013 at 01:14 PM
A beautiful and insightful post, and one I know I am going to read again. A very Happy Birthday Karen. You're gonna be a fabulous 40!
Posted by: Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita | January 04, 2013 at 01:15 PM
Happy birthday!! I'm a few years behind you in age, and I hope I can embrace the new era with content.
Posted by: shaina | January 04, 2013 at 01:28 PM
I think you are already wise beyond your years. I learn from you every post. I live in Alaska and I love to "see" my home through the eyes of tourists who visit every summer. You are able to see things you otherwise miss, you see beauty you take for granted on a daily basis. That's what I wish for you; that you could see your specialness through the eyes of your readers. And then you would know you are so beyond "OK".....
Happy 40th!
Posted by: Kathy | January 04, 2013 at 01:35 PM
Happy, Happy Birthday, Karen!!!!
Posted by: Sherri | January 04, 2013 at 02:12 PM
Welcome to your 40's Karen! It's a good place to be. My 40s are way better than my previous decades, and this article might even give you reason to look forward to 50: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/01/03/168567019/you-cant-see-it-but-youll-be-a-different-person-in-10-years?utm_source=NPR&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=20130104
Posted by: Jen Spain | January 04, 2013 at 02:27 PM
Happy birthday honey! I turn 40 on the 27th so obviously all the best people are turning 40 this January hahaha! I'm ok with it as well. Turning 30 was awful but 40, I'm ok.
Posted by: Rachel Millington | January 04, 2013 at 02:59 PM
Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Jennifer O | January 04, 2013 at 03:04 PM
Happy Birthday Nellie Olsen Russell Downs!!! 40's are GREAT!!! :)
p.s. I'm with you on #3. I tend to be black and white too....and have absolutely no desire to read "grey"! :)
Posted by: kat-in-texas | January 04, 2013 at 03:12 PM
Happy 40th Birthday, Karen!
Posted by: SusanC | January 04, 2013 at 03:15 PM
Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday, Karen!!
Love you, girl....but, don't fool yourself....FORTY is not gonna be "ok"....It is Gonna be GREAT!!!!! :-)
You are awesome in so many beautiful ways...Forties will be the decade where you just might come to see yourself the way that the rest of us who love you dearly see you! <3
Posted by: LaVonne | January 04, 2013 at 03:21 PM
Firstly Happy Birthday to my friend I'm glad your family made a song and a dance (ha ha) about your birthday. Secondly you can still be 40 and be silly.... All the photos I've done with my kids at my age make you young. Like taking the smallnChristmas Tree to the park setting the camera up on the tripod and taking a Christmas photo of the kids and I and back then in 2008 I didn't have a remote for the camera so had to run over to the tripod in between shots. It had been raining heaps before hand so the ground was soggy and wet. All these joggers were jogging along the part and looking. I did feel a little biti self conscious but it was about me and the kids and our Christmas photo and if you can't be silly life would be very dull.
I got married at 38, had James at forty and Sienna at 42 and separated at 44 however the marriage was miserable once he started cheating, lying and excessive drinking every night. I survived on my fix of chocolate and I believe being my age (mature) and I think what you faced as a young 19 year old girl having a baby and studying and I think that is one strong girl. I would not have coped with a situation like that so you should take credit that you got through such a overwhelming situation as a young girl. Many people admire your courage. Your blog gave me hope that there would be life after love and marriage and I loved your chance meeting and romance with Josh Downs. Everyone knows every day in a relationship is not wonderful but there is supposed to be more wonderful than less wonderful and it's real life.
And one final bit of advice, there are lots of people out there in the world that will out you down (in real life and Internet life where people haven't even met you yet they get to have an opinion about you) SO...... There is no need for you to do it... You should love yourself flaws and all because you can try to improve and be a better person however you should be your biggest fan club. Just because you didn't exercise or due clutter the spare room you may have needed the break or focused more on family or business..... If you don't love yourself how do you expect strangers to love you. There is no need to be down on yourself ever but accept that we can always be nicer, more patient lose more weight and have an organised house. So on that note the year you are turning 40 I'm turning 50 so in comparison you are a baby!! Have a great year and enjoy it. All the best Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
Posted by: Kathy | January 04, 2013 at 03:29 PM
You are a wise woman...40 will be good to you.
Posted by: cinback | January 04, 2013 at 03:32 PM
Happy Birthday!!! I'm a decade behind you and oh so grateful for your thoughts you shared. I love reading your blog. It's real. I love that. Hope your birthday was wonderful!
Posted by: Alicia | January 04, 2013 at 03:39 PM
Happy Birthday! I love my 40's even more than my 30's!!! ENJOY!
Posted by: Kathy C. | January 04, 2013 at 03:49 PM
Happy Birthday Karen, you are amazing, our God is amazing. Have a great day :)
Posted by: Val | January 04, 2013 at 03:51 PM
Happy birthday Karen! They say 40 is the new 30. Enjoy and welcome to the club :)
Posted by: DanaN | January 04, 2013 at 03:59 PM
You are more than ok with 40....you SHINE!! Your love, wisdom, openness, wholeheartedness, and honesty are cornerstones of you. May the next decades be filled with more love, wisdom, openness, wholeheartedness, honesty and more blogging. At 60+ I need to hear your words and gaze at your talent. Happy birthday to my favorite blogger/photographer.
Posted by: janel | January 04, 2013 at 04:02 PM
happy birthday girly! i look older than you at just turned 32 than you do at 40 so i kinda don't like you ;) may this be a year where you are totally blessed ~ mandy
Posted by: mandy friend | January 04, 2013 at 04:18 PM
40 and very, very wise! Happy Birthday Karen!!
Posted by: patti | January 04, 2013 at 04:39 PM
I'm a decade older than you and by what I just read.... I think you've got this 40's stuff. You're going to be more than OK, you're going to shine! Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Kathy R | January 04, 2013 at 04:52 PM
Happy, happy birthday! Now another reason to like you even more. You're a Capricorn just like me. Enjoy 40!
Posted by: Julie | January 04, 2013 at 05:00 PM
Happy, happy birthday Karen. You are an inspiration to so many women. Please keep up the great work!! I LOVED my 40's and hope yours are as amazing as you are.
Posted by: keely | January 04, 2013 at 06:56 PM
happy birthday karen! as much as i dreaded turning 40 a few years ago i have to say it's not so bad :) may all the wishes you made on your birthday come true!!
Posted by: Mindy | January 04, 2013 at 07:20 PM
Happy Birthday, Karen! I turn 40 this year too!
Aimee in Corvallis
Posted by: Aimee B | January 04, 2013 at 08:28 PM
Fourty is liberating I truly believe. All the mistakes and growth from my younger self have shaped who I am today. And I too am ok with me. Happy Birthday my friend Karen! You deserve oodles of goodness in this next year ahead!
Posted by: Lisa | January 04, 2013 at 10:49 PM
Happy Birthday, Karen!!! You look fabulous! Although I originally started reading your blog because of your amazing scrapbook pages, I have never stopped reading it. Thank you for sharing "you", you inspire me in many ways. Greetings from Germany!
Posted by: Vanessa Menhorn | January 04, 2013 at 11:06 PM
Yep... I'm pretty darn sure that 40 will be very, very good to you. And, 41... and 42... and so on. :) Happy (Belated) Birthday, Karen!
Posted by: Debi | January 05, 2013 at 12:10 AM
Happy Birthday Karen! Your 40s will be AWESOME!
Posted by: LaShawn | January 05, 2013 at 07:00 AM
Happy Birthday Karen. Wishing you an amazing year!! It only gets better.
Posted by: Nicky from Okotoks | January 05, 2013 at 07:01 AM
Great word!!
I'm pretty sure we were separated at birth...by 3 years, 2 months and some-odd days...just sayin'...
And....Happy Birthday!!
Posted by: Ember S. | January 05, 2013 at 08:31 AM
Happy Birthday, Amazing Karen!
Posted by: Monica | January 05, 2013 at 08:56 AM
Happy Birthday Karen! Enjoy your 40's.
Posted by: Barb | January 05, 2013 at 08:56 AM
I sure love you! You have a great spirit and are a loving, wonderful woman.
Posted by: Coreen | January 05, 2013 at 08:59 AM
Happy Birthday, Karen!!! You WILL continue to make a difference in this new decade of life. I love you to pieces!
Posted by: Jules | January 05, 2013 at 10:47 AM
I had no idea you were 40! I celebrated my 40th in August. Everyone makes such a big deal out of it, but I'm just glad to be here. 40 is going to be great!
Posted by: Kelli | January 05, 2013 at 03:36 PM
Happy (belated) birthday Karen!! And there's no maybe about it- you are more than ok. Love you!
Posted by: jacki | January 05, 2013 at 03:50 PM
Happy Happy Birthday Karen-- 40 will be fantastic! I have loved your blog for years and I aspire to learn more and more of your photography skills because you are my IDOL! Have a blessed year at 40 and YOu will love it-- all the insecurities of the 20s and 30s go away. I loved 40 and now that I am 50 I am soooo happy to be here and its awesome! Enjoy and God Bless you!
Posted by: colette | January 05, 2013 at 03:59 PM
Happy birthday Karen! Wishing you an abundance of God's richest blessings. May you always be surrounded with a lot of love.
Posted by: Alby | January 05, 2013 at 06:06 PM
Karen Russell, you are pretty amazing.
Posted by: Tere | January 05, 2013 at 08:46 PM
Happy Birthday. Best blog post ever! Thank you for inspiring me and others!
Posted by: Sherri Couture | January 06, 2013 at 05:34 AM
The 40's are great! I am half-way through mine! And just think, once that foot heals, you will be the youngest in your race age group and can whip all those "old ladies"! I think we all spend too much time worrying about the things we can't change. What is done is done and we need to embrace the here and now and find the things that make us happy! And you Karen, are one of the things that make me happy!
Happy Birthday!!
Posted by: Maria Glazener | January 06, 2013 at 08:54 AM
Oh snap! Happy Belated Birthday Karen!
Posted by: Jenny | January 06, 2013 at 12:20 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAREN!!!!! May your 40s be wonderful!
Posted by: Julie Pilch | January 06, 2013 at 12:22 PM
Happy Birthday Karen! 40's are good; 50's are incredible...don't you love having something even better to look forward to?? You are an incredible woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter and must be an amazing friend and mentor. Karen you have all the qualities that I would want in a sister/best friend. Go you...you are amazing!
Posted by: Dolly | January 06, 2013 at 02:46 PM
Happy birthday, Karen! My eight-year-old daughter said, "Forty, no way! She looks 18!"
Posted by: Sherry Cartwright | January 06, 2013 at 05:07 PM
Happy Birthday -- I am loving your hair in this pic, btw :)
Posted by: shelly | January 06, 2013 at 06:09 PM
Happy Birthday, Karen! You are so generous and article---I'd say I wanna be just like you when I'm your age, but I've got 3 yrs on you.
On "point" I can't resist making---you can't say "made all the wrong choices" because you made the beautiful, incredibly scary choice of having your child. I've never met your Ross, but feel like I know him from your blog and the world is so in your debt for that brave choice of yours. The circumstances may not have been ideal, but the most important choice was a great one.
I hope I made more of a difference than a point:)
Posted by: Deirdre | January 06, 2013 at 07:54 PM
Great blog post Karen. Happy Happy Birthday!!!!
Posted by: Melanie | January 06, 2013 at 08:11 PM
♪♫♪ Happy Birthday Karen! ♪♫♪
Posted by: Kendra | January 07, 2013 at 10:43 AM
Happy Birthday! :)
Posted by: Lorraine M. | January 07, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Happy Belated Friend!! #6.... wow, totally spoke to me!! good word indeed!! i'm probably going to steal this post for some notes to study on all the time!! smooch!!
Posted by: karlalala | January 07, 2013 at 12:38 PM
Happy 40 Karen...40 for me was wonderful...this past august i turned 50...THAT one was hard to swallow...i think i am officially classified as old (although i don't feel it)...and if AARP doesn't QUIT SENDING ME THEIR CARDS i am going to scream!!!! Am not ready for that yet...ugh!!
Posted by: Patti S. | January 07, 2013 at 02:24 PM
Happy 40th Birthday, it's gonna be great.....
Sailed through 40's and going to be at the halfway into my 50's in April...
Don't feel a day over 35 !!
Enjoy
Laura Plunk Davis
Posted by: Laura Davis | January 07, 2013 at 07:08 PM
um.....one, two, FOUR and six.
you totally pegged me with those!
i hope i can rock 40 like you did girly! congratulations!!!!
take care!
Posted by: lauren | January 08, 2013 at 12:17 AM
Congrats on the birthday! Hope you enjoy it! Always love when you do a list post. Don't know why but just do! :)Love your blog and hope this year is the greatest ever!
Posted by: Shan | January 08, 2013 at 09:51 AM
Happy belated birthday. Love your blog, your pictures, you...
Thought I'd share a quote that I have come to embrace:
"there has got to be a better way to live this one, short, precious life than by going around counting the ways I suck". Nathalie Hardy
Posted by: SandraA | January 08, 2013 at 03:14 PM
Happy belated birthday Karen! I turn 40 at the end of the month so I can relate to a lot of what you've written. xoxo
Posted by: TanyA | January 09, 2013 at 01:04 AM
Happy belated birthday! What a way to start the new year... with a milestone b-day. My husband's b-day is New Years Eve and my son's is the 22nd so we have lots of celebrating goin' on this time of year too. Have missed seeing you at the gym, we have since changed the day that we go. Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year!
Posted by: Diane W. | January 09, 2013 at 08:14 AM
Karen, sorry for the bleated birthday wish but here it is anyways.
Happy Birthday Karen Russell. 40 or otherwise you are pretty amazing and don't you forget it.
We have all had struggles...and you're right, it's what makes us who we are today.
Even though we've never met, I really identify with you for some reason and your daily life and enjoy reading the real mom stories. I guess it's what makes you so down to earth.
Enjoy your 40's! I'm right behind you and can't wait to hear what they are all about.
:)
Posted by: Elizabeth B | January 10, 2013 at 08:41 AM
However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names.
Posted by: Nike Free Run 2 | January 12, 2013 at 12:29 AM
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they want, and if they cannot find them, make them.
Posted by: Nike Air Max 87 Mens | January 12, 2013 at 12:31 AM
Happy Birthday KD...you are very okay:-)
Posted by: Monica | January 13, 2013 at 10:33 AM
A belated happy birthday, Karen. I love your list of what you are beginning to understand. From what I know of you, you are strong, you are gentle, you are talented, you are fun to be around, you are a good listener, you are a great mom, you are loving, you are introspective, and you are growing into what God wants you to be. Give yourself a hug.
Posted by: Pam McCarley | January 22, 2013 at 07:33 PM