I had originally started this blog post with the words, "Most of the time, I think I'm just a big screw-up as a parent." but even as I was typing those words, I knew they weren't true.
I think the truth is that I probably get it right (or somewhat close to right) about 75% of the time. I smooch and hug on those kids like crazy. I'm constantly talking to them about what's really important in life. I apologize quickly and admit when I'm wrong. I say prayers with them every single night. I discipline them because I think discipline can be a good thing when it's used appropriately. I make homework a priority and not just because I want them to do good in school, but because I want them to learn obedience and self-discipline. I work hard on my marriage so they can see what a good marriage is supposed to look like. I think a lot about how to best handle situations and how to better handle them in the future. I try to be a good example by doing the right thing even when the right thing is hard. I teach them to stand up for other people who can't stand up for themselves. I try to let them learn life's lessons on their own rather than shielding them from them. And I try to instill the value of 'family' with traditions and love and respect and memories.
And I probably screw up about 25% of the time by being too busy with work, by overlooking something I should have addressed because I'm just too dang tired to address it or by losing my ever-loving-marbles and yelling at the top of my lungs over something I should have kept my cool over (and that's precisely when the fact that I'm quick to apologize and admit when I'm wrong comes in handy.)
And if this were baseball, I'd say my batting average was pretty good (but that I shouldnt miss any practices.)
But I think I did something really, really right with Annie the other day and I wanted to get it written down - and not so you all can pat me on the back and tell me what am amazing mom I am (I'm not.) but because I want Annie to be able to read it one day - heck, I want all of my kids to read it one day - and who knows, maybe you (or they) will find it useful too...
Annie lied the other day.
It was over something silly, but it was still a lie. And though I expect everyone in this house to mess up (myself included) I also expect honesty no matter how hard it is.
To me, there's nothing worse than lying (although Annie reminded me the other day that murder is actually worse than lying. Thank you for the reminder Yans.)
But I knew if I addressed it right then and there that the older kids were going to be late for school so I told her we'd talk about it later.
And that 'later' happened to be in the car while we were parked outside of her school when I reminded her of something I've already said to the kids a bazillion times...That you can't have a relationship without trust and because of that, lying slowly kills even the best of relationships.
But this time when I talked about it, her eyes began to well-up and she asked, "So you wouldn't love me anymore if I lied."
I immediately told her that I'd love her no matter what, but then I began to fumble over my words because I wasn't quite sure how to explain (in 6-year-old words) how a momma can love one of her kids, even if they don't have a close relationship with them - so I changed course all together and said:
"Ok Yans, close your eyes for a minute and pretend you're a full-grown woman and that you just walked out of the front door of your house and hopped in your car - and think hard, because I really want you to picture exactly what that would look like in your head."
And then she said, "But I don't know what I'm going to look like when I'm a grown-up."
And I said, "Open your eyes and look at me really quickly...This is what you're going to look like when you're a grown-up."
So she opened her eyes, giggled and then closed them again quickly.
And I went on, "And pretend that you're driving to my house (our current house) to pick me up for lunch and you're excited - really excited - because you've been busy at work lately and you haven't seen me in over a week and you feel like you have so much to tell me about what's happened in your life since the last time we were together.
And when you pull up in the drive-way, you notice that I'm already waiting out on the front porch for you, because I'm excited too and then we hug each other - but we hug for a really long time - because we don't want to stop hugging."
Annie was smiling at this point with her eyes still closed.
And then I go on to say, "And then we get in your car and you put your hand on my shoulder and you tell me that you you've missed me and then we drive to The Roadhouse for lunch and as the waitress brings us our rolls and honey butter, we immediately start laughing about how much you loved this place when you were a kid and how you used to sing to your dinner rolls as you buttered them."
And I just went on, explaining the whole day in detail and how good it felt to be together and when I came to the part where Annie was dropping me off back at home, she opened her eyes and interrupted to say, "But instead of taking you home, we decided to drive to the ocean and stay the night!" and I said, "Of course we did, because we had a really amazing relationship."
And then she said, "But what if I lie when I'm a grown-up?"
And I told her that we'd still go do stuff together, but on her drive to pick me up, instead of feeling excited, she might be feeling anxious because lies make you anxious and that when she met me on the front porch, we'd still hug, but she'd feel like there was a lie standing between us and because of that, the hug wouldn't feel as good. And we'd still laugh and talk over lunch, but we probably wouldn't share our deepest feelings, because the lies would make us feel like we couldn't.
I told her that it would just be different. That the lies would make it different. That it just couldn't be as good because of the lies.
And though I typically have a tough time knowing when to quit verbally beating a dead horse with life lessons, I knew I didn't need to say anything else, so I patted my leg, which was her cue to unbuckle her seatbelt and to crawl into the frontseat and onto my lap, where we just sat in silence and hugged each other probably longer than we've ever hugged (which is a really long time) just because it felt so good without any lies standing between us.
Wow...thank you for this. I'm about to be a new mom in January and this is something I will file away for "when my daughter eventually lies" because I think you did, indeed, handle this beautifully and I'd really, really like to emulate it! Truly! Thank you!
Posted by: Tanya A | October 16, 2012 at 09:50 AM
From someone who didn't get it right tonight, I appreciate this story and you sharing it. You did well(and I think you do deserve a pat on the back). I love the image of Annie closing her eyes and smiling about you two spending time together in future years.
Posted by: renee | October 16, 2012 at 09:52 AM
Thank you...I've been struggling with this with one of my boys, and I needed a good way to explain the damage lies can do. This is perfect <3
Posted by: Michelle (aka mybelle101) | October 16, 2012 at 09:55 AM
that was beautiful. i know you don't want a pat on the back, but you are an amazing mama that gives this mama much needed inspiration. i knew motherhood would be hard & i knew marriage wouldn't be easy, but wow is it ever difficult somedays. thank you for always putting things into perspective :)
Posted by: mindy | October 16, 2012 at 09:57 AM
You nailed that! Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Betsy | October 16, 2012 at 10:37 AM
I would say that was a Homerun! Maybe even a walk-off-grand-slam homerun! really, really good & I'm sure annie knows it too! You are brilliant in your honesty. Thank you!
Posted by: Angie U | October 16, 2012 at 10:54 AM
Amazing!
Posted by: Sarah Edelman | October 16, 2012 at 10:56 AM
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us Karen. What an amazing way of explaining this concept to Annie. I think I will have to borrow this example one day to help my girls picture what we hope our future relationships to look and feel like.
Posted by: Melanie | October 16, 2012 at 11:09 AM
Well done Mom! Wish I'd have had that insight when my oldest boy was 6. :c( Keep up that batting average!
Posted by: Denise | October 16, 2012 at 11:26 AM
Wow. What a great explanation. I got a lump in my throat just reading it. Nice.
Posted by: Lorraine Melin | October 16, 2012 at 11:40 AM
That just made me cry. I've been having such a hard time with my son lately, but thank you for reminding me about how important (and hard) parenting is. I think that you and Annie will have amazing adventures together when she's a grown-up, just like you imagined! :)
Posted by: Melissa Ladd | October 16, 2012 at 11:52 AM
Thank you so much for sharing this Karen! It is such a wonderful way to handle this situation! I have a 6 year old so myself and I'll need to remember this for next time! So thanks so much for taking the time to type this up and share it with us, I will definitely benefit from it!
Posted by: Heather S. in VT. | October 16, 2012 at 11:54 AM
Sniff... sniff.. i can't thank you enough.. i'm using this as an example to my 13yr old boy tonight.. it's amazing how the Spirit can lead you to such things and beam through you to others.. thank you karen
Posted by: kate | October 16, 2012 at 12:07 PM
This made me cry! Thanks for sharing it.
Posted by: Becky Z. | October 16, 2012 at 12:10 PM
Thanks for sharing this!
Posted by: Aubree | October 16, 2012 at 12:16 PM
Im 35 and a mom of a 6 year old little girl myself. You just taught me something about life. I'm not likely to ever forget this story. Thank you for sharing it!
Posted by: Corey | October 16, 2012 at 12:40 PM
Oh my godness I have tears in my eyes! Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Though I am from Germany and due to my imperfect english I usually only look at your phantastic photographs but since I read this today I WILL read every future post.
Posted by: Julie | October 16, 2012 at 12:49 PM
Beautiful! ANd words we can all live by!
Posted by: Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita | October 16, 2012 at 12:55 PM
You are amazing. Thanks for sharing that story.
Posted by: Susan l. | October 16, 2012 at 12:59 PM
Personally, I think you're batting a thousand!!!
Posted by: Krys72599 | October 16, 2012 at 01:08 PM
Well said Mama!
Posted by: Addie | October 16, 2012 at 01:45 PM
ahhhh! SO Sweet! Love it. We've been dealing with little lie's here ourselves (my 9 year old is not getting this lesson quickly!!) so I'm definately going to keep this in my arsenol of weapons! : ) Thanks for posting.
Posted by: Rachelle S | October 16, 2012 at 01:46 PM
You ALWAYS seem to know just what to say... Thanks for sharing, maybe it will inspire me to know what to say.
Posted by: Robin Healy | October 16, 2012 at 01:53 PM
Oh Karen - You are so lovely. Thanks for sharing this story. And so beautifully.
Posted by: Jeni | October 16, 2012 at 02:20 PM
You ARE a good momma. And I know that's not what you were looking for when you wrote this post. But you are. And I'm glad you know it. Us moms are pretty darn hard on ourselves sometimes because we want so bad to get it right. I think it's so important for us to give ourselves credit for the times we do "get it right" and it's awesome that you'll have a record of it for Annie. So very great.
Posted by: Stephanie | October 16, 2012 at 02:35 PM
Just.Awesome.
Posted by: young nanny | October 16, 2012 at 02:45 PM
I'd say your batting 100
Posted by: Nicky from Okotoks | October 16, 2012 at 03:05 PM
You are a good woman Karen.
Posted by: Samantha Parker | October 16, 2012 at 03:08 PM
Yep...you did it right. Really, really right.
Even though you didn't ask for it, as your friend, I'm gonna give you that "pat on the back"....because, sometimes, as mommies, even though we don't ask for them, sometimes, we just need them. :-)
Love you!
Keep shining your light.
Posted by: LaVonne | October 16, 2012 at 03:13 PM
Thank you Karen! My oldest son who is six has started lying (small lies, but still lies) recently and I have struggled about how to handle it. I needed to read this today. Thank you!
Posted by: Stephanie Torres | October 16, 2012 at 03:13 PM
More parenting with "intent". Thanks for sharing. Needed this example. Love these pics too btw- glad to see them again.
Posted by: Jacki | October 16, 2012 at 04:54 PM
This is an awesome account Karen. Annie is so lucky to have you for a Mom! You are amazing.
Posted by: Tammy Eberhard | October 16, 2012 at 06:27 PM
I think you are wrong! I think 100% of the time you are an amazing mom. Because even when you are 'messing' up, you are learning, and not making the same mistakes twice. And you acknowledge that you aren't perfect.
Posted by: Kelli | October 16, 2012 at 06:48 PM
I love you! This made me cry. I have a 6 year old too & she lied to me a few months ago & the first part of our conversation was very similar, but the second not so much. I felt i dealt with it alright, but I wish I could have read this back then! Thank you for sharing! Here's to long, wonderful, 6 year old hugs!
Posted by: Rebecca | October 16, 2012 at 10:12 PM
Boy was that on the nose, or what? That is so the difference between two of my girls right now. I think I'm going to have to copy this and use it to illustrate what a lie really does. Thank you.
Posted by: Alison | October 16, 2012 at 10:54 PM
Wow.
That's a perfect description of the distance between me and my mother--not for lying, but for other reasons--and I so much want to have exactly that excited relationship with my babies. And reading your story makes my heart hurt that it might not happen.
Thank you for setting the bar for what I want.
Posted by: K | October 16, 2012 at 11:48 PM
You go momma!! So glad you documented this memory for your family...and for sharing it!
Posted by: Tracy | October 17, 2012 at 03:56 AM
You may not have be looking for a pat on the back but you sure deserve lots of them. I think you are an amazing Mom doing an amazing job while trying to juggle the demands that life creates...This was certainly one of your finest moments I would think. I have no doubt that Annie is going to grow up to be an amazing women herself!
Posted by: Corrine | October 17, 2012 at 04:31 AM
Perfect x
Posted by: Michelle Last | October 17, 2012 at 05:03 AM
Great lesson, by a great mom! I wish you and your family a wonderful day, Kerstin
Posted by: Kerstin | October 17, 2012 at 05:24 AM
Your motherly instincts are amazingly creative. Lesson well taught :}
Posted by: Linda | October 17, 2012 at 06:07 AM
Nice job Momma. I think you knocked that one out of the ball park!
Posted by: Stacey | October 17, 2012 at 06:42 AM
Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Carrie | October 17, 2012 at 06:54 AM
So good, so GOD and so glad I read this today!
Rock-on momma, ROCK ON!!!
Posted by: ana roat | October 17, 2012 at 07:00 AM
I wish I was as wise as you all those years ago when I was a Mum to 3 boys who pushed me to the limit more times than I can remember.
I think it would be brilliant if you turned all of these wonderful posts into a book for your kids Karen...(with a couple of extras each for the future grandkids). Imagine all the great stuff you could add to it along the way...
Just a thought...
Posted by: Julie in Aust. | October 17, 2012 at 07:17 AM
Gosh Karen, you NEED to write a parenting book! Thank you for bearing your soul and sharing with the world.
Posted by: denean | October 17, 2012 at 08:46 AM
Karen - i LOVED this post and I made sure both of my children, 18 and 14, read it. You are 100% awesome!
Posted by: dana | October 17, 2012 at 09:17 AM
Glory to God for giving you the words to teach your daughter (and a few others)such a life lesson! Thanks for sharing~
Posted by: Melinda~ | October 17, 2012 at 09:22 AM
Wonderful story, and so very true. I think I learned a big life lesson here too and finally understand why a friendship failed when I had done everything right on my end. Because she had been lying to me, and herself, and it got to the point where she just couldn't face the friendship, and the lies, anymore so she just bailed rather than face the truth and fix things.
Posted by: Naomi | October 17, 2012 at 12:05 PM
Wow!! You are an amazing mom!!! I may have to steal your style :)
Posted by: Debbi G. | October 17, 2012 at 12:44 PM
Wow. Tears in my eyes- wow! Beautiful!
Posted by: Melinda Anderson | October 17, 2012 at 01:45 PM
Tears streaming by my face. That was such a beautiful way to explain what lies do to a relationship! And the not so good relationship, that's me and my mom. Not due to lies. But a strained life together (mom is bipolar). And I have always missed having that bond with her. But I do have 4 children and I hope that we will have that incredibly relationship when they are adults! Thank you so much for sharing your "real" moments with us!
Posted by: laura b | October 17, 2012 at 03:01 PM
I wish you posted this before I had the same chat about lies with my 5 year old, It is 100 times better than how I handled it. You are such an awesome mother!
Posted by: LAN | October 17, 2012 at 04:54 PM
You are a lovely mother, smart and caring. You are also too hard on yourself, relax and trust your wonderful instincts. Perfection is unattainable and boring.
Posted by: Gayle | October 17, 2012 at 07:42 PM
An chuid is mó de cad a pointe tú amach go bhfuil astonishingly dlisteanach agus a dhéanann Wonder dom cén fáth nach raibh fhéach mé ar seo leis an solas roimhe sin. Do article a rinne fíor athrú ar an solas ar do domsa go pearsanta fada go dtéann an t-ábhar ar leith. Ach ag an am seo tá i ndáiríre ar cheann seasamh ar leith nach bhfuil mé ró-compordach leis agus ag an am céanna iarracht mé a réiteach go bhfuil an téama lárnach an phoist, lig dom a fheiceáil go díreach cad go léir an chuid eile de do léitheoirí a dhéanamh say.Nicely.
Posted by: moncler 2013 | October 18, 2012 at 02:30 AM
OMG...I totally sat here with tears in my eyes. And I'm stealing this from you, to use with my boys. And Annie will use it with her kids someday, I'm sure of it.
Posted by: Kim S. | October 18, 2012 at 06:05 AM
Love your heart and soul! Makes me want to "rewind" and do it all again!
Posted by: janel | October 18, 2012 at 07:43 AM
I have an 8-year old that has begun lying just recently. Not big lies, but small stuff. I'm gonna use this to have a chat with her today. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Rachel | October 18, 2012 at 08:20 AM
Powerful Karen!! You chose the right words!! Amazing!! I know some grown adults I'd like to explain this to....
Posted by: teresa b | October 18, 2012 at 09:46 AM
thanks for sharing that sweet story. i loved it!
Posted by: heidi | October 18, 2012 at 09:57 AM
Amazing, Karen. You have such a wise perspective on life.
Posted by: Mary | October 18, 2012 at 10:31 AM
Ok. sniffle. thanks for that. it was lovely.
Posted by: marianne b | October 18, 2012 at 12:52 PM
Thank you so much for sharing this story. You are an amazing writer! My 12 year old daughter has been having major issues with lies lately and I have been trying to discuss how each lie is a brick that builds a wall between us. I had her read this post today with the hopes that it might have an impact. She wrote me a lovely letter tonight explaining how much she loved me and wants to have a good relationship with me. She wants to make changes! Thank you for sharing!!It made a huge impact in our lives!
Posted by: Kathy D | October 18, 2012 at 05:12 PM
there's also the option of a donkey ride up the cobbled-stoned path.6 p.m. - Santorini is all about
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Nicht lange über Ihre Website identifiziert und werden noch allerede Mitlesen. Ich nahm an, ich werde Künne meinen ersten Kommentar zu hinterlassen. Ich weiß nicht überprüfen, was zu sagen, außer dass ich gerne gelesen. Nizza Blog. unwohl sein bookmarking halten Besuch auf dieser Website sehr typisch.
Posted by: chaussures asics | October 19, 2012 at 01:30 AM
Go raibh maith agat as an iarracht trustworthy míniú a thabhairt do seo. Is dóigh liom an-láidir thart ar sé agus ba mhaith liom a chur in iúl níos mó. Má tá sé ceart go leor, mar atá tú a bhaint amach eagna dian breise a d'fhéadfadh, tú a smaointe a chur leis post breise an-chosúil leis an gceann seo le tuilleadh eolais a fháil? D'fhéadfadh sé a bheith fíor cabhrach agus úsáideach dom agus mo chomhghleacaithe.
Posted by: casquette new era | October 19, 2012 at 02:45 AM
wow.
thanks for this today!
Posted by: Denise Morrison | October 19, 2012 at 07:17 AM
Amazing. And beautifully thought out. What a brilliant way to describe the power of a lie. I plan on using this example for my own children.
Posted by: Tess | October 19, 2012 at 07:58 AM
This is a beautiful story. I love how you took a problem/a disconnect and resolved it by making a connection instead of using a punishment. I suspect this story will live forever in her heart. This is so inspirational to me, not just to apply to my relationships with my own children, but in all my close relationships; thank you so much for sharing.
Posted by: Jaimie | October 19, 2012 at 08:47 AM
love the story, love Annie's dress, too!
Posted by: gina | October 19, 2012 at 11:03 AM
Thank you for being so transparent. This parenting thing is definitely no joke. I totally agree that we all mess up here and there but what you did was amazing. Annie is lucky to have you by her side, loving her, hugging her and kissing her. You made something really hard sound really easy just now. Thanks for your sharing!
Posted by: Mannie | October 19, 2012 at 01:34 PM
We are all human and lose our cool at times when we probably shouldn't but just from your words on this blog because I do not know you personally (and not just today's post - I have never forgotten Annie's doll in the trash post - you are consistent and follow through and take the time to teach them the right stuff; don't beat yourself up! This was a really, really great post. It seems to me that you are a great Mom! I'm glad that you documented this for her - how awesome is that! Hope you had fun in Ireland and can't wait to see some photos :)
Posted by: jennifer | October 19, 2012 at 02:03 PM
Thank you for that story. I am not a parent, but a teacher. It is exhausting when I have students lie to me about "lost" assignments or playground issues, etc. It really does damage the relationship. I like the imagining you did with Annie, and it may be helpful with a few tweaks for school. Yes, you are amazing, even if that wasn't your goal.
Posted by: Julie | October 19, 2012 at 08:48 PM
Thank you for sharing this! It has been a while since my oldest lied, but I'm sure he will sooner or later, and when he does, I'm using your example as a model for how I should handle it. You are an amazing mom, and your kids are very lucky to have you!!
Posted by: Janna | October 21, 2012 at 05:08 AM
Such a lovely way to explain it and you have me in tears because of the way you have written it down to share it. Thank you.
Posted by: Jo E | October 21, 2012 at 07:05 AM
I know a few adults who should hear this explanation. It's dead-on. Perfect. And your relationship with Annie will continue to be a shining example of what we all want for our lives and loved ones. Thank you for sharing - I have tears of gratitude that you had the courage to be so honest and open with us.
{{{{{ HUGS! }}}}}
Posted by: Sharli | October 21, 2012 at 02:23 PM
wow...
Posted by: stefie Tidwell | October 21, 2012 at 11:02 PM
Awesome, as always.
Have you shared before what you use to print your blogs (I get the feeling you make them into a book?) Thanks!
Posted by: kristin | October 22, 2012 at 07:39 AM
I'm not a big commenter...but I just had to today. This brought tears to my eyes, you taught her in a way that makes her want to do right...not do it just because she is scared of getting in trouble {which don't get me wrong, it serves a purpose too} You really are a good mom. I know you talk about your mistakes in the past, but they have made your heart the heart it is today...which is beautiful.
Posted by: Hannah | October 22, 2012 at 11:15 AM
Really good.....I mean really *really* REALLY.
That moment is straight from the Heart of GOD.....did you know that?
♥♥
Posted by: Carolyne | October 24, 2012 at 09:01 AM
Saluton! Ĉu vi s
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I say prayers with them every single night. I discipline them because I think discipline can be a good thing when it's used appropriately. I make homework a priority and not just because I want them to do good in school, but because I want them to learn obedience and self-discipline.
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