When I woke Coley up on Sunday morning, I reminded him that he had some chores to do before church and that if he didn't get the chores done before we left, he wouldn't be able to go over to his friend's house that afternoon like he had planned.
He grumbled and started to crawl out of bed and then in the next 40 minutes, accomplished nothing other than getting dressed and eating a granola bar in his typical, slow-motion-Coley-pace.
And I know (from Parenting With Love & Logic) that I should have just kept my mouth shut, let him fail to get his chores done on time and then let him suffer the natural consequences of not being able to go over to his friend's house.
But the mother in me couldn't help but nag - totally going against everything I learned in Love & Logic...
"How in the world can it take you 40 minutes to put your clothes on and eat a granola bar? Here, I'll get dressed and I'll eat a granola bar and we'll see exactly how long it takes me. I'm not joking, if you don't get those chores done, you're not going to your friend's house and you'll have no one to be mad at except for yourself. So don't blame me."
After about the third time of hearing that, Coley responded in a tone and a decibel level that is simply not allowed in this house when speaking to a parent.
And not to be outdone, I kicked up my own tone and decibel level a notch or two (ok, maybe three) and told him that if he knew what was good for him, he'd leave the room (at a pace much faster than his typical, slow-motion-Coley-pace) while I cooled down.
About 20 minutes later, we stood in the kitchen and talked.
I explained to him that as a family, it doesn't matter whose dog it is or who left the trail of muddy footprints in the living room or who spilled the most crumbs on the floor during dinner - that we all had to pitch in to take care of things and clean up, because we are a family and that's how families thrive.
And then I went on to point out all of the things I do on a daily basis. All the messes I clean up that aren't mine. All the errands I run and all the details I take care of that don't benefit me personally - but they benefit our family so I do them.
And that out of respect and obedience, I expected nothing other than a 'Yes mom.' or an 'Ok mom.' whenever I asked him to do something. Period. No if-ands-or-buts.
But those are all things he already knows.
He just needs to take those words and he needs to find a way to make them stick.
And then I went on to share this story...
A few months back, a couple from our Bible study group went out to eat at one of those great little burrito-joints where you stand in line and tell the gal behind the counter what kind of beans, meat and toppings you want on your burrito. When they got there though, the place was really busy and there was only one employee, struggling to keep up on her own. And while they waited in line, they noticed that an acquaintance of theirs, who was all dressed up in a suit and tie was there with his family also and that as the acquaintance and his family finished their meal and started to leave, he bussed the table his family had been sitting at and then without saying a word, went on to bus every other table in the restaurant as well and then quietly left.
He didn't tell the employee what he had done in order to receive her gratitude and he didn't make eye-contact with anyone in the restuarant in order to receive their acknowledgement.
He just saw something that needed to be done and he did it.
It didn't matter to him that he hadn't made the mess and it didn't matter to him that there would be no (earthly) reward for it either.
He just did it.
He just did it.
Quite honestly, I'd have no problem with bussing a restuarant full of dirty tables. The problem is, I just wouldn't think to do it in the first place. And if I did think to do it, I'd secretly desire praise.
"Ummm, excuse me...did anyone notice how selfless I am?"
And ever since I heard that story, I knew that I needed to find a way to make it stick.
Awhile back, someone mentioned to me that acts of generosity don't always have to be big acts. Sometimes they can be small acts like parking further away from the grocery store even when there are closer parking spots, just because there might be some single-mom who is having a hard day and has to brave the grocery store with four little kiddos in-tow to buy food that she can hardly afford. And finding a parking spot closer to the store might just make her day a tiny bit easier.
And it would give my chunkie-butt some much-needed exercise anyhow.
And I'm not that person.
But I want to be.
And I want to raise kids that are those kind of people.
And I think my kids really want to be those kinds of people too, even without my urging.
They just need little reminders (just like I do) and they need someone (like the man at the burrito-joint) to show them what it looks like to live it out.
They just need someone to teach them how to make it stick.
And I just have to remember that it won't stick unless my tone and my decibel level are in sync with the lesson I'm trying to teach.
Oh, how I struggle with making that one stick.
And even more importantly, they need to see ME acting like the man at the burrito-joint.
And so Coley and I talked. And we swapped stories. And we hugged it out. And we reconnected.
And he didn't complain once about not being able to go to his friend's house.
And he didn't even complain when I asked him to clean the fridge after he had finished all his other chores.
He just did it.
In fact, we spent most of the afternoon working on the house together and every time he'd finish one chore, he'd say, "Hey mom, what do you want me to do next?"
And later that evening while he was playing on my computer, I overhead him say to his Grandma, "Hey Paka, I figured something out today...If I spend half of my day helping mom, she'll let me do just about anything I want for the rest of the day. I've been playing video games for two hours now!"
Yep, that's pretty much how it works Coley - lucky you to have figured it out at 11.
Now, you've just got to make it stick.
The other day, I heard someone say, "It doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do."
I can't quit thinking about that. And I keep finding myself reciting it throughout the day; when I don't feel like exercising, when I'm feeling impatient with my kids, when I don't feel like doing the dishes, etc., etc.
And I can't help but think that that is the key to making it stick.
I just have to do what is right, do what is good for me, do things for others and do it regularly, regardless of my emotions because my emotions are constantly changing anyway. Our emotions are like the waves of the sea. Our emotions are fickle. Our emotions can build us up one minute and pummel us to the ground the next. Our emotions can shower someone with love one minute and hurt them the next. Our emotions can be reckless and sabatoging. And our emotions are based on our own perceptions and life experiences and therefore, they're not always in line with the truth anyhow.
But emotions are nothing more than that.
They're just feelings.
So it really doesn't matter what I feel, it only matters what I do.
In fact, I'll bet the guy at the burrito-joint didn't really feel like bussing all those tables.
But he did it anyhow and that's all that matters.
So make it stick Karen. Make it stick for crying out loud. Make. It. Stick.
And if you're reading this Josh Downs...It feels so good to be on the home-stretch.
Thank you.
Posted by: CarolineD | February 01, 2012 at 06:13 PM
Thank you...your words and insight are such a blessing to all of us lucky readers. Your honesty is so beautiful and so uplifting...off to go take care of my munchkins with your wonderful words of wisdom leading me. :)
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 01, 2012 at 06:13 PM
you just humbled me... its something i needed to read today. thank you for sharing!!
Posted by: jea | February 01, 2012 at 06:14 PM
Life just seems to suck lately!! And coming and reading your struggles just puts me at ease and your approach is what i too am trying to find. Think about you and the kiddos everyday and that you are in the home stretch!!! miss ya!
Posted by: Nikki M | February 01, 2012 at 06:21 PM
I'm with Nancy. We need a book. This post and your other explaining praise to your kids both may be forwarded on to my Pastor. You just explain things in the best way...both for me to explain to my kids, and for me to understand them better myself.
As usual your post has me crying and smiling at the same time. Love your blog.
Tammy
Posted by: tammy t | February 01, 2012 at 06:23 PM
I received some horrific news today that will alter my life completely. As I plan my future, I know I just have to do what is right, do what is good for me and give myself time to heal. Thank you! I vow to remember this!
Posted by: Cheryl | February 01, 2012 at 06:40 PM
Hit the nail on the head - I love this. And I wrote down "it doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do" because that is so, so good. Thank you for this post!
Posted by: Carrie | February 01, 2012 at 06:44 PM
What an awesome, awesome, awesome post! Thank you so much for sharing this post today. So true, and so encouraging. I'll be keeping this in mind the next time I'm nagging my kids or raising my voice. Thank you.
Posted by: Erin | February 01, 2012 at 06:51 PM
oh karen... i so needed this today. thank you so very much for this beautiful well-written message. i'm going to do my best "to-make-it-stick!"
Posted by: Libbi M. | February 01, 2012 at 07:02 PM
It may not matter what you feel but it does matter why you do what you do. You do it to bring glory to God and your savior Jesus ... and HE is the one that'll make it stick. :) And He will, Karen because he loves you and your kiddos. :) Hugs from a friend you've never met.
Posted by: Lacey | February 01, 2012 at 07:12 PM
I had the hardest day today with my 2 kiddos, and lost my cool more than I should have.... You make me really think sometimes!!! It makes me feel normal. : ) Thank you!!
Posted by: Paige | February 01, 2012 at 07:19 PM
First of all, YAY..HOMESTRETCH! I can't wait to hear that Josh Downs is in the US and back with you.
Second, Sometimes Love and Logic goes out the window and I hate that and I try so hard but I obviously need to try harder. I need to make several things stick. I REALLY really really needed this today. I love how real you are and I love how Coley is. He reminds me of my oldest son. He's not my first born but has always had an old soul and reminds me of Coley. He's 7 1/2. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Shannon Laux | February 01, 2012 at 07:24 PM
Oh the kids are SO SO lucky!!! Stick together!!!
Posted by: janel | February 01, 2012 at 07:40 PM
You honesty and openess about motherhood - the hard parts - are refreshing and inspiring.
Thanks. Now I need to go make something stick.
Posted by: Kristi | February 01, 2012 at 07:40 PM
Great post! Thank you so much for being so open and honest lately. I've always loved your blog and you've always been pretty open and honest, but it seems like you're opening up in a new, big way. I truly appreciate it.
Posted by: melissa | February 01, 2012 at 07:55 PM
Love that you mustered up enough courage to admit that you're not "that" person. Neither am I. But since we are a work in progress there is hope for tomorrow!
Posted by: ana roat | February 01, 2012 at 08:32 PM
That was awesome, Karen. Thanks for sharing it. I wouldn't be surprised if the man at the burrito-to-go place might have been silently teaching his own kids a lesson by quietly performing a random act of service. That was probably more important to him than any praise he would have received.
Posted by: Lisa V. | February 01, 2012 at 08:36 PM
I agree with Nancy....I love this post!!
Posted by: Sarah | February 01, 2012 at 10:13 PM
This is just what I needed to hear to do. I wrote the "It doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do" on a sticky note and put it up on the fridge. Just as a reminder not to loose myself in irrelevant emotions....
Thank you for your great words - thank you for sharing.
Posted by: A Facebook User | February 02, 2012 at 12:43 AM
What a good reminder.....thank you for writing this post.....this was very well needed in my life right now....
Posted by: Linda / Seattle | February 02, 2012 at 04:48 AM
Love it! I am doing my own version of 52 Smiles and calling it 26 Smiles That I Can Stick Too! We are into Smile action number 2! This week is to take cookies to fireman + police men in our area! I have already bought all the cookie mixes, yesterday whenever we were outside I could hear the firetrucks and police cars going all over our neighborhood and around our area. We don't live in a bad area but I feel like it was God reminding me "Hey you said you were going to do this now get it done!" Thanks for helping me make it stick and reminding me to get off the damn computer and get my bake on!
Posted by: Kate | February 02, 2012 at 05:40 AM
What a strong and amazing message - thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work. You are not only inspiring your kids, but us readers as well. :)
Posted by: barb | February 02, 2012 at 06:20 AM
I sooo needed to hear this! You have such a way with words that I might have a chance of making it stick!! Thanks
Posted by: Beth P | February 02, 2012 at 07:21 AM
Karen Russell, you inspired me this morning! I love your honesty- and your post today was wonderful. I am saving this one to my computer to read again. Words to live by!
Posted by: Melinda Anderson | February 02, 2012 at 07:26 AM
Thanks...I needed that!! <3
Posted by: Tina G | February 02, 2012 at 07:26 AM