Make it Stick

When I woke Coley up on Sunday morning, I reminded him that he had some chores to do before church and that if he didn't get the chores done before we left, he wouldn't be able to go over to his friend's house that afternoon like he had planned.

He grumbled and started to crawl out of bed and then in the next 40 minutes, accomplished nothing other than getting dressed and eating a granola bar in his typical, slow-motion-Coley-pace.

And I know (from Parenting With Love & Logic) that I should have just kept my mouth shut, let him fail to get his chores done on time and then let him suffer the natural consequences of not being able to go over to his friend's house.

But the mother in me couldn't help but nag - totally going against everything I learned in Love & Logic...

"How in the world can it take you 40 minutes to put your clothes on and eat a granola bar? Here, I'll get dressed and I'll eat a granola bar and we'll see exactly how long it takes me. I'm not joking, if you don't get those chores done, you're not going to your friend's house and you'll have no one to be mad at except for yourself. So don't blame me."

After about the third time of hearing that, Coley responded in a tone and a decibel level that is simply not allowed in this house when speaking to a parent.

And not to be outdone, I kicked up my own tone and decibel level a notch or two (ok, maybe three) and told him that if he knew what was good for him, he'd leave the room (at a pace much faster than his typical, slow-motion-Coley-pace) while I cooled down.

About 20 minutes later, we stood in the kitchen and talked.

I explained to him that as a family, it doesn't matter whose dog it is or who left the trail of muddy footprints in the living room or who spilled the most crumbs on the floor during dinner - that we all had to pitch in to take care of things and clean up, because we are a family and that's how families thrive.

And then I went on to point out all of the things I do on a daily basis. All the messes I clean up that aren't mine. All the errands I run and all the details I take care of that don't benefit me personally - but they benefit our family so I do them. 

And that out of respect and obedience, I expected nothing other than a 'Yes mom.' or an 'Ok mom.' whenever I asked him to do something. Period. No if-ands-or-buts.

But those are all things he already knows.

He just needs to take those words and he needs to find a way to make them stick. 

And then I went on to share this story...

A few months back, a couple from our Bible study group went out to eat at one of those great little burrito-joints where you stand in line and tell the gal behind the counter what kind of beans, meat and toppings you want on your burrito. When they got there though, the place was really busy and there was only one employee, struggling to keep up on her own. And while they waited in line, they noticed that an acquaintance of theirs, who was all dressed up in a suit and tie was there with his family also and that as the acquaintance and his family finished their meal and started to leave, he bussed the table his family had been sitting at and then without saying a word, went on to bus every other table in the restaurant as well and then quietly left.

He didn't tell the employee what he had done in order to receive her gratitude and he didn't make eye-contact with anyone in the restuarant in order to receive their acknowledgement.

He just saw something that needed to be done and he did it.

It didn't matter to him that he hadn't made the mess and it didn't matter to him that there would be no (earthly) reward for it either.

He just did it.

He just did it.

Quite honestly, I'd have no problem with bussing a restuarant full of dirty tables. The problem is, I just wouldn't think to do it in the first place. And if I did think to do it, I'd secretly desire praise.

"Ummm, excuse me...did anyone notice how selfless I am?"

And ever since I heard that story, I knew that I needed to find a way to make it stick.

Awhile back, someone mentioned to me that acts of generosity don't always have to be big acts. Sometimes they can be small acts like parking further away from the grocery store even when there are closer parking spots, just because there might be some single-mom who is having a hard day and has to brave the grocery store with four little kiddos in-tow to buy food that she can hardly afford. And finding a parking spot closer to the store might just make her day a tiny bit easier.

And it would give my chunkie-butt some much-needed exercise anyhow.

And I'm not that person.

But I want to be.

And I want to raise kids that are those kind of people.

And I think my kids really want to be those kinds of people too, even without my urging.

They just need little reminders (just like I do) and they need someone (like the man at the burrito-joint) to show them what it looks like to live it out.

They just need someone to teach them how to make it stick.

And I just have to remember that it won't stick unless my tone and my decibel level are in sync with the lesson I'm trying to teach.

Oh, how I struggle with making that one stick.

And even more importantly, they need to see ME acting like the man at the burrito-joint.

And so Coley and I talked. And we swapped stories. And we hugged it out. And we reconnected.

And he didn't complain once about not being able to go to his friend's house.

And he didn't even complain when I asked him to clean the fridge after he had finished all his other chores. 

He just did it.

In fact, we spent most of the afternoon working on the house together and every time he'd finish one chore, he'd say, "Hey mom, what do you want me to do next?"

And later that evening while he was playing on my computer, I overhead him say to his Grandma, "Hey Paka, I figured something out today...If I spend half of my day helping mom, she'll let me do just about anything I want for the rest of the day. I've been playing video games for two hours now!"

Yep, that's pretty much how it works Coley - lucky you to have figured it out at 11.

Now, you've just got to make it stick.

The other day, I heard someone say, "It doesn't matter what you feel, it only matters what you do."

I can't quit thinking about that. And I keep finding myself reciting it throughout the day; when I don't feel like exercising, when I'm feeling impatient with my kids, when I don't feel like doing the dishes, etc., etc.

And I can't help but think that that is the key to making it stick.

I just have to do what is right, do what is good for me, do things for others and do it regularly, regardless of my emotions because my emotions are constantly changing anyway. Our emotions are like the waves of the sea. Our emotions are fickle. Our emotions can build us up one minute and pummel us to the ground the next. Our emotions can shower someone with love one minute and hurt them the next. Our emotions can be reckless and sabatoging. And our emotions are based on our own perceptions and life experiences and therefore, they're not always in line with the truth anyhow.

But emotions are nothing more than that.

They're just feelings.

So it really doesn't matter what I feel, it only matters what I do.

In fact, I'll bet the guy at the burrito-joint didn't really feel like bussing all those tables.

But he did it anyhow and that's all that matters.

So make it stick Karen. Make it stick for crying out loud. Make. It. Stick.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...It feels so good to be on the home-stretch.

Comments

[Stephanie Vetne]

Oh my gosh, Karen, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. Just do. And make. it.stick. Thank you!!!!

[Nichole]

You are an amazing mother! I love this post! Thank you for sharing your stories, Karen. As a struggling single mom to a great 6yo girl, it's posts like these that help me through the day sometimes!

[Julie]

Thank you so much for sharing this today. It is something that will certainly stick with me. I made a few notes of the words I needed to hear. Bless you all as you get to the end of your separation!

[rach]

Thanks for the message it was really encouraging and so many useful tips I can use with my children. Now, I've just got to make it stick as well!

[jamie z.]

Thank you for sharing this. I really (REALLY) needed to read this today.

[Kelli]

LOVE it! Love that Cole told Grandma he could do what ever he wanted after!
I once saw a homeless man with a puppy in the park. He didn't have a leash, and the law says you have to have a leash so as we were leaving I gave him ours. (Heck, I wanted a new one anyways.) Another man saw me do it and asked the homeless guy if he knew me, and he said he didn't. The other guy looked at me like I was from Mars and asked "Why did you just do that?" and I said "Why not?" He was so surprised it almost ruined my moment.

[Casey S]

Thank you for this. It's something I think we all struggle with on a daily basis. I sure needed to hear this today, so thank you again.

[Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita]

Beautiful Karen! I really needed this today. And tomorrow ;)

[Lynn]

Oh my...you sent me a message I needed to hear today Karen. Here's to making it stick. I really, really need to make it stick. Thank you.

[lindsay]

thanks! i totally needed that reminder/kick in the rump today! i forget so easily!

[JayEssJay]

This is wonderful! Recently I've read a couple of articles that have stuck with me much longer than I anticipated. I know this will join that list. Thanks!

[A Facebook User]

Wow! Thank you for sharing this. I've been struggling to convince my 8 year old and his dad this same thing. I am going to share this with both of them. Hopefully we can all make it stick. Love your blog! <3

[Jess]

love this post.

[Donna Anderson]

Excellent post! Such a good reminder for us all. Thank you.

[kristen ohran]

I have my hand raised along with everyone else commenting ... I definitely needed to hear this today! Love it!!! I'm raising my children with similiar goals, and have also done the "Love and Logic" parenting series. It's just the daily putting it into practice that can be a challenge. Thanks for sharing your struggles because it encouraged me to keep on keepin' on.

[Catrina]

Thank you!

[Janel]

Ditto for me too, Karen...this is what I needed to read today. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

[Michelle]

Awesome post Karen. And as always, you have a great photo to go along with the story. But this time it is the story that shines.

[Laura]

I am a single married mom...in other words, I am married but my husband works such horrible hours that we very rarely see him for more than a few hours a week...I have really been feeling sorry for myself lately about how much more I have to do by myself...this was just the story I needed today...Thank you. More importantly, I want to share it with my teaching staff. I am an administrator in a very poor urban elementary school, and my staff is feeling burned out about all that they do everyday. This will help. Thank you again!!!

[Bernice J]

Thanks so much, Karen!

[Brooke]

Loved this blog post! This is exactly where I'm at right now, I've been trying so hard to 'make it stick' with routines and organisation with both myself and my son (who sounds just like Cole in so many ways). So far it's working wonders, for my sanity and for my sons sense of responsibility. He's also become super sweet and helpful (and gets rewarded in return :-) )

[Tera]

I should have read this BEFORE dinner. I allowed myself shamelessly to reach the highest pitch and to say some not so nice words. Thank you for the reminder; because I really needed it tonight!

Be blessed,

t

[Nancy Boothe]

This one does it. You are going to have to put out a book. Or book up your blogs. I want to be able to go back and read your posts, and while you're at it, please include the photos with the blogs.

Accept my pre-order of about 50 so I can give them to all my friends.

Praying for safe returns from far travels, and can hardly wait along with you so you all can be together in one room again.

Luvya.

[JennyB]

Thank you so much for sharing this. We're going through a rough patch with our 18 year old son and your words were so encouraging to me. Reading this tonight was a divine appointment. God bless you and your family, Karen.

[Mandy B]

Love this!