I Can't Crochet

I don't follow a whole lot of blogs because:

1. Reading blogs is a huge time-killer.

2. Sometimes blogs make me feel like crap.

But today, I got on the computer with the intent of checking one blog, but then I found a link to another blog that looked interesting and that lead me to a link of yet another blog and next thing I knew, three hours of my life was gone, just like that.

And I know better than to look at blogs that make me feel like crap, but that didn't stop me today. Today, I was all about reading the blogs blogged by bloggers who apparently live in pastel worlds with nothing but golden, hazy backlighting, where they serve every meal outdoors on tables adorned with fresh flowers and with chandeliers hanging from trees - all prepared by moms/bloggers whose hair falls in an array of effortless-looking curls, whose waists are small enough to be accentuated with cute belts worn over the top of quirky, but perfectly-matched blouses and sweaters - all finished off with a pair of funky, colorful heels.

And they probably even look like ladies when they walk in them.

And they probably own the best shops on Etsy.

And they probably even crochet coffee-cozies to slip over the top of their Starbucks cups.

And I was totally wallowing in jealousy as I realized it was 6:00 p.m. and that I was still in my pajamas (That way I don't have to change again before bedtime.) and that my kids still hadn't eaten dinner.

So in defeat, I loaded up my kids and took them to McDonalds, all the while guilting myself because I knew that they/the bloggers weren't sitting in the drive-through of McDonalds in their pajamas.

No, I pictured them wearing flowy, floral skirts, chasing her kids around the backyard while setting the dinner table with the sun filtering through the trees - and their husbands capturing all of it on film.

And when one of my kids complained because they wanted a 10 piece McNugget instead of a six piece McNugget, my response included a swear-word.

I'll bet they/the bloggers never swear.

They probably don't even raise their voice.

And then I locked myself in my office to gain some perspective while my kids sat downstairs eating dinner (McDonald's) by themselves.

And then I heard giggling.

And that was all it took for me to regain my perspective tonight (though I know I'll lose it again and again and again) and to walk down the stairs where I asked my kids for forgivness and then proceeded to smatter their faces with kisses until we were all giggling.

My sister asked me the other day whether or not I was going to continue writing this blog. I told her that I wanted to, but I had some hesitations:

1. Writing this blog is a huge time-killer.

2. I don't ever want my blog to make people feel like crap and at times, I'm sure it does.

At church on Sunday, our pastor talked about the fact that in order to really 'love' people, you have to be transparent - even at the risk of being hurt or having the things you share used against you later.

And though I don't think I've ever really had much of a problem with being transparent on this blog, please bare with me while I make all of us a little uncomfortable...

My life is not perfect. 

I've probably battled depression to some degree since I was a kid. Having a blended-family is hard. Josh Downs and I fought a lot before he left for Afghanistan. There are people that know me and do not like me. And sometimes when I joke about wanting to run away with the circus, there's a part of me that's not joking.

And sure, I can take pictures - but don't think for a second that they all come out the way I want them to. And I can decorate a room like nobody's business if I do say so myself - but when I do, I just start feeling pressure to make everything else in my house look equally perfect and that just leads to discontent. And yes, I'm closer to God than I've ever been - but just as I was finding Him, everything around me started to fall apart and that has left me feeling more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life.

And I don't even know how to crochet, so there will be no crocheted coffee-cozies in my future.

Apparently, I don't even know how to spell 'crochet' because spell-check just corrected it for me.

And I'm guessing some of you may have already noticed...but I'm at a really weird place right now and I'm not sure if I'm getting ready to go off the deep-end or if I'm getting ready to find real joy for the first time in my life.

But I'm betting on the latter because despite my many faults, I've got some really good qualities too and amongst them is the fact that no matter how many times I screw it up...I always try again.

That's another one of me and my sister.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I'd only run away with the circus if you you agreed to go with me.

Comments

[Rachel Dallaire]

can i just say that i REALLY appreciate your honesty!!! it is so refreshing to know that i'm not the only one that has very crappy days or messes up constantly. and it's so awesome that you share that with us, because, honestly, i'd rather read about things that are real and messy and filled with grace and love and life than things that are "perfect" (when we all know they can't possibly be that perfect). those messy moments are what cause us to grow and learn and lean on God and His grace more and more. so, thank-you for sharing the good AND the messy because life is beautiful and crappy all at once sometimes. and i know that if i met you, i'd like you immediately (although i'd be way to shy to say hi because of the stupid social anxiety that i have to battle constantly-you know, one of the messy parts of life). :-)

[louise fortune]

I am with you on this blog post, the only difference is I can crochet (sorry) and I don't have god in my life ( I may be the worse for it) There are days when I am still in my PJ's when my husband gets home from work and my kids will be eating junk watching TV whilst I am on the computer and he will look around taking it all in, having just driven 125 miles back from work (which he does every day) and he sighs and right there and then I know I am not doing my best - but just like you I do have my moments and these are the ones that count.

Being real is better than being perfect even if the ideal is what we wish for

[AllisonKimball]

You are wonderful pajamas and all. What you have written is exactly why I come back.

[Anna]

I had to laugh reading your description of the perfect lives of blogging people. It's so true. But hello, you are a photographer, you know ALL about editing - of COURSE their lives are not like that all the time, they only show the good stuff. I read a lot of blogs, but there are only a handful where you feel you have some idea of the reality of peoples lives. Thank you for sharing your lives with us - warts and all. (And please don't stop)

[Karen]

I think I know the pastel coloured blog and the impossibly slim lady with the belt. I read some blogs where they have like 7 kids under 5, all from different ethnics. And they are bringing "home" another one from china. All while running a photography business and mentoring.
It definitely is an American bloggers disease. And I have read up on it and part of the blame is a certain religion, because no negativity can be expressed outwardly. And those people largely control the scrapping world.
But I have one blog I read, where her perfect world is being destroyed by cancer. I read every post and sat here crying with my sons girlfriend crying as we watched her newly posted video of her having her hair shaved off. Out there are some "real" blogs and some that only put out what they want people to see. I hope I'm one of the real ones, like you. I mean I even put a picture of my bare arse on mine after I'd wet myself after an epidural for my back pain.

[Kristy]

Hi Karen

This is the first time I have ever commented on a blog. We love wearing our PJs in this house! I love to read your blog. Your honesty is refreshing and I love that you are authentic. I think most of all that is what God calls us to be (aside from like Jesus of course!:) and something that is so very precious. By allowing your struggles to be seen, others can learn and be encouraged. They see grace and maybe they too will take some risks and grow from that. Your blog makes me laugh, encourages me and makes me cry at times. It reminds me that other mums struggle at times too, and have moments that they are not proud of. I try to tell myself that actually I probably am a good mom and that I get it 'right' more of the time than I get it 'wrong'. And I figure most people do the best they can with the resources (physical, emotional etc) that they have at time, so even though we may not do things as well as we would like (or even if we do a terrible job of something) that we do the best we can. I think you probably do the best you can and that is still a good thing, even if it is not perfection. All that being said, I still have times where I feel guilty and think about things far too much! I also think that things have different importance in our lives at different times, and that it is ok to allow things to change too. If you do stop blogging, I will miss sharing a little of your life.

[Jean]

Karen, I've been reading your blog for years. I have never once thought I was wasting my time. I look forward to hearing about your family, the good times and the not so good times, your honest opinions and your sometimes cynical humor. I too have suffered from depression since I was a young girl and it's refreshing to hear that I'm not the only one who has struggles, works at it everyday and even succeeds at being happy alot of the time. I would truly miss you if you stopped writing your blog. Thanks for being honest and being you.

[Sue]

I love your blog Karen, it is definitely in my top favourites. Please don't stop.

[Sandra]

Oh my, Karen, I know exactly what you mean (not about the kids, but about the blogs and feeling like crap)...but I think there are two kind of blogs: some (and as you said, often with awesome etsy shops) try to sell themselves and what they do. And they think they can only sell if they seem to be perfect, not allowing reality to peek through (because noone's life is perfect, the perfect people often have the biggest bad secrets in their families)... And there are some who just keep it real - like you. Blogging started as kind of an online diary to simply document life and life consists of ups and downs, that's just like it is... And as you pointed out, which kind of blogs do you enjoy reading? The real ones.. because they leave you with a feeling of "I know how you feel" and "she's just human, too", you know? These are the blogs we really connect with. I've been following your blog for years now and it seems like I know your family already..I saw your kids grow older from your pictures and stories and I saw the love for each other shine through each of that pictures! I just LOVE that! You have an amazing family and you know that and you can do anything you settle your mind on (think about the running thing!). Don't you ever forget that, Karen!
Hugs Sandra

[colleen]

Thanks for sharing, feel better soon! And hang in there, 'This too shall pass.'

[susan]

That was beautiful. Thank you. And keep writing when you can. Your sharing is so encouraging. :)

[Heidi Sharpe]

We all need down days to reflect, and maybe make changes.

Your inspiration has changed my life. I'm on my 3rd year of a photography degree at ahermm 45! I love it, i've come alive, it's something that you have given me without even knowing it, and I want to say a huge THANK YOU. (must say tho' your online course has taught me more about how to use my camera - it is FANTASTIC, BRAVO CLEVER LADY - I am so full of deserved admiration for you)

Nobody gets it right 100% of the time. How boring life would be then.

You are real, you don't pretend, you have a wonderful, beautiful, fun family, and their happiness and joy is largely down to you kiddo, and that's not an easy job

Do what YOU need to do.......chocolate usually works for me!

Keep Calm and Carry On

[Vera]

I totally get the feeling crappy bit after reading some blogs. What I love most about your blog is the fact that you don't only paint the sunshine and roses. You talk about the ups and downs. You keep it real. I do realize that there are probably things you don't write about, both good and not so good, but the things that you do write make me keep believing that there are still some real people in this world. That and the fact that how you met Josh Downs tells me that the you really, truly never know when you'll meet "the one." I'll say a prayer for you tonight!

[Young Nanny]

You do know that the closer you get with God the more things are going to screw up around you ... right? Because that's just what the devil does! Stay close to God Karen, He knows what He's doing and the path He has you on and it's a great one! Bless you :D

[Jenny Schimak]

Please don't stop blogging. I appreciate your honesty and you write from the heart. You are a good woman. And you are deeply loved by those around you. Reading your post made me think of an old John Denver song 'some days are diamonds and some days are stones' ........... The photo of you and your sister is just lovely.

[Kimberly]

I have been reading your blog for years. Blog reading in the early AM is my time. You are right. Reading blogs is a time killer. But this time, YOU WERE SPOT ON! With all of your postings and photos...this was the best! So, I am thinking Josh Downs needs to put on his clown shoes! Thank you for seeing and finally telling how I feel about the "flowing skirt, high heeled, perfect mother, that makes homemade everything while perfectly displaying her coiffer with a smile all the while photographing it herself."

[MichelleB]

I for one, love this blog. I love the pictures. I love your stories. I love that you are real. I have a few blog stops I make every day - and this is one. I hope you continue to share with us - because you got a gift Girl. Don't stop what you are good at :)

[allyson]

Thanks for being authentic. I think when we acknowledge the gaps in our lives that's when HE really shines through us. If our lives were perfect we wouldn't need HIM. I know HE uses you to encourage others like me.

[Corri C]

Your blog is one of the few that I read that doesn't make me feel like that. While all blogs tend to present the skimmed cream off the top, yours seems real. And yet full of your joy and fun. It's the first blog I read when it pops up on my reader and it serves as motivation and a bright spot in my day. That doesn't mean your photos aren't so much better than I could ever hope mine to be or that I wouldn't let you come decorate my house in a heartbeat. But somehow you manage to present your wow in such a way that it doesn't feel showy and competitive. And that is why I love your blog.

[Susan from Maryland]

I'm glad you're not perfect. Makes me feel better about my own life. You're a real person, with real issues, real triumphs, real failures. You're normal and true. Please stay that way. I personally get sick reading those floaty-sicky-sweet blogs where hair is perfect, children are perfect, waistlines are perfect. (No dig at your waistline, please!). Keep up the effort for all of us other not-so-perfect readers out here. We truly appreciate it and have true empathy.

[Lisa]

Please don't stop writing your blog. This post just proved why I like coming here. Because you are real - no chandeliers or coffee cozies. I can't relate to that. I'm too busy working a 60 hour work week, raising a 15 year old soccer player on a traveling team, taking care of a 90-year-old FIL, spending what little time that is left with my husband. And still trying to feel good about myself. Hang in there. You are awesome. Even without the photos!!!

[Kelly]

Karen, your blog is my favourite, by far. I have been reading it for years and have loved watching your children grow. You as a person, the love that you have for Josh Downs and your gorgeous blended family and your photographic skills are inspirational to me. I love that you are not perfect. I love that you are normal! You and your family are a part of my day xo

[Catriona]

You are a very strong,feisty person who does an amazing job with your blended family and a husband deployed on duties to keep us all safe. You don't need to be perfect,Karen-just be the best that you can be. I have been a driven perfectionist since I was a wee girl and only now in retirement (62) have I really enjoyed my life fully. Yes, material things are fewer but the quality of life with a man who has loved me for 41 years despite my faults makes everything worthwhile. Keep the faith and all will be well.

[Brenda Weaver]

Karen, don't stop blogging! I love your blog because you are real! I do read lots of blogs and I know just the kind you're talking about. And sometimes they do make me feel inadequate. But I like to just use those as inspiration, knowing that nobody's life is perfect like that all the time. Anyone can choose to just show the pretty stuff. I think sometimes it's a fine line for bloggers to follow. Do they keep it real knowing that people may not like that, or do they choose to only show the good stuff. the stuff they know their readers want to see. After all, everyone has enough crap in their lives without reading about it everywhere else too. I love it when a blogger does both. Inspires with the good stuff and keeps it real with the other. I think you're doing a great job! Keep it up, girl!
P.S. I love a good pajama day and my kids think it's a treat to have dinner at McDonald's. :)

[jeny]

Does writing the blog make you feel good? If yes then I say that is all that matters. I write a blog that hardly a soul reads, but I like doing it and some months I don't. I want to be awesome, well liked, popular, take the best photos and have the time to design outdoor vignettes for my blog post- but then I remember that I am human. I work, I am a wife, I am pregnant and sometimes I just want to lay on my couch until 9:30PM eating teddy grahams and watching ABC Family teen melodrama. I read your blog first always because you keep it real and that makes me feel pretty good. Truth be told if you didn't blog- I would miss you and there is only a handful of blogs I feel that way about.