I Can't Crochet

I don't follow a whole lot of blogs because:

1. Reading blogs is a huge time-killer.

2. Sometimes blogs make me feel like crap.

But today, I got on the computer with the intent of checking one blog, but then I found a link to another blog that looked interesting and that lead me to a link of yet another blog and next thing I knew, three hours of my life was gone, just like that.

And I know better than to look at blogs that make me feel like crap, but that didn't stop me today. Today, I was all about reading the blogs blogged by bloggers who apparently live in pastel worlds with nothing but golden, hazy backlighting, where they serve every meal outdoors on tables adorned with fresh flowers and with chandeliers hanging from trees - all prepared by moms/bloggers whose hair falls in an array of effortless-looking curls, whose waists are small enough to be accentuated with cute belts worn over the top of quirky, but perfectly-matched blouses and sweaters - all finished off with a pair of funky, colorful heels.

And they probably even look like ladies when they walk in them.

And they probably own the best shops on Etsy.

And they probably even crochet coffee-cozies to slip over the top of their Starbucks cups.

And I was totally wallowing in jealousy as I realized it was 6:00 p.m. and that I was still in my pajamas (That way I don't have to change again before bedtime.) and that my kids still hadn't eaten dinner.

So in defeat, I loaded up my kids and took them to McDonalds, all the while guilting myself because I knew that they/the bloggers weren't sitting in the drive-through of McDonalds in their pajamas.

No, I pictured them wearing flowy, floral skirts, chasing her kids around the backyard while setting the dinner table with the sun filtering through the trees - and their husbands capturing all of it on film.

And when one of my kids complained because they wanted a 10 piece McNugget instead of a six piece McNugget, my response included a swear-word.

I'll bet they/the bloggers never swear.

They probably don't even raise their voice.

And then I locked myself in my office to gain some perspective while my kids sat downstairs eating dinner (McDonald's) by themselves.

And then I heard giggling.

And that was all it took for me to regain my perspective tonight (though I know I'll lose it again and again and again) and to walk down the stairs where I asked my kids for forgivness and then proceeded to smatter their faces with kisses until we were all giggling.

My sister asked me the other day whether or not I was going to continue writing this blog. I told her that I wanted to, but I had some hesitations:

1. Writing this blog is a huge time-killer.

2. I don't ever want my blog to make people feel like crap and at times, I'm sure it does.

At church on Sunday, our pastor talked about the fact that in order to really 'love' people, you have to be transparent - even at the risk of being hurt or having the things you share used against you later.

And though I don't think I've ever really had much of a problem with being transparent on this blog, please bare with me while I make all of us a little uncomfortable...

My life is not perfect. 

I've probably battled depression to some degree since I was a kid. Having a blended-family is hard. Josh Downs and I fought a lot before he left for Afghanistan. There are people that know me and do not like me. And sometimes when I joke about wanting to run away with the circus, there's a part of me that's not joking.

And sure, I can take pictures - but don't think for a second that they all come out the way I want them to. And I can decorate a room like nobody's business if I do say so myself - but when I do, I just start feeling pressure to make everything else in my house look equally perfect and that just leads to discontent. And yes, I'm closer to God than I've ever been - but just as I was finding Him, everything around me started to fall apart and that has left me feeling more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life.

And I don't even know how to crochet, so there will be no crocheted coffee-cozies in my future.

Apparently, I don't even know how to spell 'crochet' because spell-check just corrected it for me.

And I'm guessing some of you may have already noticed...but I'm at a really weird place right now and I'm not sure if I'm getting ready to go off the deep-end or if I'm getting ready to find real joy for the first time in my life.

But I'm betting on the latter because despite my many faults, I've got some really good qualities too and amongst them is the fact that no matter how many times I screw it up...I always try again.

That's another one of me and my sister.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I'd only run away with the circus if you you agreed to go with me.

Comments

[Annie]

Reading blogs sometimes do make me feel bad, but reading yours always makes me smile and wish I had met you when you lived in the St. Helens area. Thanks for always making me smile!

[Annie]

And my first comment ever should read does and not do...I guess none of us are perfect ;)

[lindsay]

Please don't give up on your blog just yet. I read it because you aren't trying to pretend like your life is perfect, you show that its normal and when I read it, it doesn't make me feel inadequate, it makes me feel normal TOO! I have learned that no ones life is perfect and if they pretend it is they have bigger problems than the rest of us. Type on!

[karen eyink]

While you were wasting time reading every perfect persons blog.... yesterday I spent about an hour reading your blog from the beginning...... when you were pregnant, when you talked about your friend who died and left behind an adopted child, your best friend in the whole wide world (Jill), how Josh says we are good together Karen Russell, Annie's, baby pictures...... and on and on. I didn't feel crappy once and sure there was many other things I could be doing, but I wasn't. You are real, and I know you don't write entries so people tell you these things, I think it is just kismet how it was yesterday I was wasting time on your blog and feeling inspired. P.s. I am a flunky on your class.... but that is a different story.

[Marlene]

I'm more of a reader than a commenter, but the line about being close to God and your life getting crazy hit close to home. I've felt the same way and I'm fully convinced that He knew things were about to get messy and I'd need him more than ever. Anyway, thought I'd let you know that I really enjoy your blog, warts and all. :)

[jen]

delurking to say I'm glad you're still blogging. and even if you're not perfect, you're real ... and none of us are perfect!

[Lisa Wyckoff]

Karen,
Please don't stop blogging!! I love it and have been reading it for a long time. I love hearing about your troubles and your triumphs. You are real and I love it! I take my kids to Mcdonald too!! I love how you are posting more about the Lord, He is the center of my life. Real people love God, we don't have to be perfect, we just have to believe. You have made me smile, laugh and cry. I love you blog!!

[Cyndi]

The only way your blog could make me feel like crap is if you stopped writing it. You use your photo skills and writing skills and transparency to show us all just how beautiful an imperfect life can be. (I can't crochet either, but I can order the hell out of some things on etsy. It takes all kinds.)

[susan l]

I love reading your blog, your family is adorable and I think you are terrific.......you don't have to be perfect; perfect people are boring. :-)

[Alicia]

I love reading your blog! I sometimes wonder why because I feel kinda creepy when something I've read on your blog pertains to my life such as when my sister was doing some training in Grants Pass and went to a restaurant that I had just read about on your blog right before she told me about it and I told her about how it was "this person's favorite restaurant who I don't really know, but I read about her life on her blog...and..." But I keep coming back because I don't really open up to people and when I read about your struggles, I feel normal. When you succeed, I feel inspired. I keep coming back because I know that when you sit down to type a post, there's a real person on the other side, not just a front you want to put up. And I love that you talk about GOD!

[Geny]

I can't crochet either...

[Geny]

And my kids eat McDonalds more than I care to admit...

[Geny]

But reading your blog makes me feel normal and happy, so thank you for writing it and sharing your life!

[Kathy C.]

Please don't stop blogging! I love your blog and others that are REAL! YOU are REAL! I do crochet, but my life is NO WHERE near perfect and that's OK, it's just the way I like it...sometimes messy, sometimes unorganized, but it's mine and it's all good!

Hang in there and know that so many of us out here love your creative goodness and are praying for you and your family... ;)

I also LOVE that you talk about God...not preaching, but keeping it REAL!

[Lacey]

Please don't stop blogging... your honesty has always what has drawn me to here! I definitely always try to do this in my blogging, too. :)

And regarding your closeness to God + things falling apart ... he lets that happen so we fall even more into HIM. You know? He doesn't do that to us, but wants us to be sure we know how incredibly much we need him. His loving, everlasting grace. :) Thanks for sharing your life with us, Karen!

[kristen ohran]

I only follow maybe 5 blogs, and yours is always the one I look forward to reading the most! I feel a little silly posting this, because I only know you "online" ... from your photographer's workshop and making the shot lessons, but I have to say that the fact that you are so transparent and open and honest is what makes me love your blog so much. I absolutely love what Lacey wrote about God allowing things in life to fall apart so we fall more into Him. I so agree! So know that from this "online-only-friend" and devoted blog reader, you are loved and prayed for. Jeremiah 29:11

[Nicole]

I read your blog all the time!!! I dont always comment, but I cherish how open and honest you are with us your readers. I am a single mom and I love that you share the good and not so sunshine moments. that is what everyday real life is. Love ya for who you are!!! xo

[mandy friend]

don't stop karen. you are a breathe of fresh air in blogdom. you have a MINISTRY here now girl. seriously. whne i first met you at a class at scrapbook connection, you were delightful and witty. but, i have 'seen' through this blog the Holy Spirit deepen you greatly. yes! that comes across to those of us that have followed your journey. it has been a blessing to watch!

on a totally seperate note,give robyn and i the heads up if you have another yard sale !

[Shelbie]

I must say that I love reading your blog because you aren't perfect and you don't pretend to be perfect. I love that. You share your real life with your readers and I, for one, love that. You help me to remember that good moms sometimes take their kids through the drive-thru for dinner and it's ok. Or that wearing PJ's all day long is ok too. :) I hope you decide to continue writing your blog. You've brought so much inspiration to my life through your writing and photographs. Thank you for sharing just a little bit of you. Take care. PS~I love how you end all of your posts with a special note to your Josh Downs. Very cool.

[melissa]

I started reading your blog back when you were pregnant with Annie. I've never once felt like crap after reading your words. I appreciate your honesty and your transparency. My life is not picture perfect, I struggle, I'm socially awkward, I have sausage legs, I'm working on my faith, I'm looking for inner peace and joy, I yell at my kids sometimes and I immediately feel bad, and it makes me feel better to know that there is someone else out there in the blog world that I can relate to. I'm not saying you are all those things :o) just that you put yourself, the good and the bad, out there. I think you're wonderful and so appreciate you sharing your life, insights and experiences.

[Phyllis B.]

I haven't read your blog as long as some of the other commenters have. I am really busy but when I pop in to my google reader, I always look to see if you have posted! I will read yours and a couple of other blogs and delete all the rest if I don't get to them in a few days. Just wanted to let you know that I read your blog because you are real and alot of what you think/talk about is something that is common to females.

Hugs and prayers.

[Helena]

I believe your blog is your ministry. The posts that you made recently about prayer really hit home. It's been quite awhile since I have read it but daily I have told myself to invite God into the mundane stuff. You reminded me what I already knew but had forgotten. Life is insanely hard right now and I find myself as the head of household and all the pressures that involves with a blended four kid family. Since praying and thanking God all day long in the big and small I have found a sense of peace that I did not recognize when all was well. I believe your blog post was the ministry that reached out to me and others when we needed it the most.

[Stephanie]

Your blog is fantastic. I don't feel like crap when I read it. I love that you keep it real. Thanks for that.

[Charlene Austin]

Yes, I've been to those fake blogs of a perfect world and they do make me feel bad even though I know they are FAKE! But your blog? Your blog makes me laugh and smile! I love your pics, I love your notes to Josh Downs, I love your everyday life. I found you while I was looking to take an online photography class (which I have not had the guts to actually do) and I stayed because you are so funny and so real!! Just be you. It's why we are here.

[Nichole Czajkowski]

Before I fall asleep every night, I lay in my hand-me-down bed with my boyfriend of 7.5 years (who reaaaally needs to put a ring on this), and use my phone to browse the blogs I follow - some about cooking, some about fitness, some about crafts, and some that are just about life. Your blog isn't about how to stitch the perfect blanket or make the most AMAZINGLY decorated cookies. It's understood, going into this, that your blog is primarily your digital journal, to help you cope with a husband in the military, and to perhaps communicate your everyday life with family and friends, and especially Josh when he's away. That's why I am a follower - you're real, I can relate to you, and you're hilarious. Oh, and beautiful, but that should go without saying.

After reading this post, I felt compelled to get out of bed, walk through my dark hallway, almost trip over my fighting cats (because cats. are. jerks.), and get on my laptop to write you my first comment. The intention isn't to change your perspective or to be some sort of Godsend, but just to let you know that you're not alone. It kinda grosses me out how much I *sadly* worship a lot of the bloggers out there who seem to have these amazing talents and amazing homes and amazing lives - while I sit in a closet of an office in the basement of a hospital in Tacoma, WA, loathing my life because I can't have let my creative soul live the way I see these other bloggers allow theirs to live. It kills me - I cry because of it (pathetic!), but it's true.

In the perhaps 1.5/2 years that I've followed your blog, I keep coming back because:
- You and Josh Downs L.O.V.E. each other so much that it makes me cry (because I'm emotional, and pathetic...and a hopeless romantic)
-Annie takes the GREATEST photos - I will literally LAUGH OUT LOUD at her faces. She is adorable!
- Cole seems to be a pretty mellow kid, but he also seems to have a good head on his shoulders - but can be a total goof when he needs to.
-Courtney Lee is probably one of the most stunning young women I've seen. Some of the pictures you takes, her eyes look like they hold all the knowledge in the world. She has such an exciting future ahead of her - I can feel it!
- I hope Ross and Calie stay together forever - they are so disgustingly adorable. Could she HAVE A BETTER SMILE?! Ugh...life isn't fair, sometimes.

Your life is perfect because it's the life you were given, and you're living it to it's fullest potential. You're raising some outstanding little people (and one that while in their 20s, is still your baby), while trying to maintain your sanity with your husband in a land of sand far, far away. That's enough to make anyone crazy (I know, I've helped a friend through the two tours her husband was on).

You don't need fancy crafting skills, or a giant portfolio of perfectly executed photographs, or a closet full of conveniently coordinating clothes because the one store you bought them ALL from planned it to work out that way (I'm lookin' at you, Anthropologie!) - because you're human. You're not some digital facade edited down to some creepily perfect version of your true self.

Hell, you're so awesome, I'd follow any circus you choose to join. <3