That's Healing

That's a picture I took of my mom helping Annie with her homework today.

A few weeks before Josh deployed, my mom called and said that her house had sold and that she didn't have any plans for where she was going to move and asked what I thought about her staying with us for awhile.

It's my mom, so I immediately said yes, but have to admit that my pride got hung up in the whole thing with worries that people might think I was incapable of taking care of the kids on my own while my husband was gone. (Nevermind the fact that I had been a single mom for a total of 9 years prior to meeting Josh Downs.)

My other worry was with how well we'd get along. 

Don't get me wrong, my mom and I get along great. But it's a mother-daughter relationship and those can be tricky, especially when living in the same household as two full-grown adults.

My mom lived with me once before. It was right after Coley was born (My ex-husband left when I was pregnant with Cole and so I had to go back to work full-time when he was five days old.) and she stayed with us for eight months to help out during that time.

We never argued and I was so thankful for the help, but there was just an underlying tension that made it difficult for both of us and I was worried that we'd fall back into that same tension 11 years later.

And just a couple weeks into her moving in, it looked like we really were going to fall right back into that same pattern.

But we talked it out.

I had to put some assumptions aside.

She had to put some tendencies aside. 

And we're making it work, but without the tension this time.

She's typically here 4-5 days a week and she's amazing. She cooks, she cleans, she helps with the kids and she's the best listener ever.

And sure, I could do this on my own, but I feel lucky that I don't have to. 

I also feel lucky that as full-grown women, we get to strengthen and mend a relationship that took a good beating when I was 14 and my parents divorced.

In fact today, when I found myself struggling to get any work done because I couldn't get Josh Downs out of my mind, I crawled up next to where she was reading in bed and she just rubbed my back while I cried. (And then we went to the store to get junkfood and a movie.)

That's healing.

And I don't really think it was a coincidence that her house sold just a few weeks before Josh left.

I think God had it planned all along (because he's good like that.)

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...You can call me at 11:30 p.m. anytime. (It was a great accident.)

Comments

[Colleen]

Since I moved away from Michigan four years ago (where my whole family lives), the very best sound in the world is my mom's voice. I am glad she is there for you.

[susan lew]

Your post made me cry and smile.

[Lisa V.]

Well now that my tears have cleared up - Karen you are amazingly inspirational. Truly. You place such great value on each of your relationships and put in the work to make them work. I think you're right - Mom's a blessing for you and your kids while Josh Downs is deployed. She's also a blessing for Josh - giving him a bit of peace knowing you have someone to curl up with and cry when you need to and then get you right back up on that horse to carry on. Maybe it's also a blessing for your mom, giving you both the opportunity to strengthen your relationship. God is so clever, giving us those blessings we need that we may not have thought of, didn't think we needed or maybe didn't necessarily want. But they end up being exactly what we needed just when we needed it. I'm so glad your Mom is there for all of you and you're there for her.

[Tere]

Thanks Karen. I'm reading while walking the track during kids soccer practice with tears in my eyes. I love your words and your ability to share so much. I always come away with a little something in my heart.

[Deneen]

This post made my heart happy. I would give anything to be able to spend time with my mom however she passed away 25 years ago when I was only 21. Mother daughter relationships are very complex but when you need a good cry and someone to listen there is nothing better. Hugs to you my friend!

[Young Nanny]

I've been 'hearing' from God a lot lately, that His plans, His thoughts and His ways are so much higher than ours, so much better than we could ever plan and think. And I love that He reminds me of that because it also reminds me that I need to surrender to His ways and trust in Him more. Your post today again reminded me that His plans are always better than ours. Glad things are better with your mum. Blessings...

[Lisa]

My name is Lisa and I've been reading your blog for a few months. When I was 27 (a long time ago :) ), I went back to college to get my degree. I moved back in with my mom so I could not have any bills and finish in a shorter time. It turned out to be one of the BEST times of my life. We had ground rules - no fussing about how late I stayed out if I was making my grades, I had to help with the housework, basic stuff. And what happened was the biggest blessing God could have ever given me. We became really, really good friends. Gone was the mother, daughter issues. We got to know each other as true adults and it was such a happy time. We cooked, we junk store shopped, we took walks, we swung on the swing, we laughed and we cried. She passed away 6 years later and like you, I know it wasn't an accident that we spent that time together.

So enjoy this time. It is such a gift!!!

Lisa in New Orleans

[Jacki]

I'm sorry you had a rough day. I'm glad you have a thoughtful mom who can help you out.

[cinback]

Okay, I don't cry easily, but to hear about a healed relationship and especially between mother and daughter...that made me tear up. And you're right, God is like that.

[Sheakorinne]

Karen, i just adore your honesty in your posts. And we all totally know you could do it on your own!!!

[Christina]

Thanks for giving me hope that one day my mom and I will have what we used to before she and my dad moved in my house with me and my husband several weeks before I gave birth to our first child. Six months later it didn't end well, and they ended up moving away again. There is for sure tension every time we/they visit. I feel that my parents still look at me as the 15 year old who did everything they said and believed everything they believe. I'm not, I went to college, fell in love, got my Master's, and got married. Parents are a blessing, we just have to learn to talk things out (which we don't do so well) and pray for God's strength.

[Kelli]

Again! I can hardly type because I have teary eyes! Moms are the best for knowing what we need when we need it. But moms (like daughters) aren't perfect. Good for you for talking it out with your mom, you were taught well. I only hope I'll be able to help my kids out when they need me like my mom did for me.

[Lacey]

I am so glad you have your mom with you! Mom's are the best and the Lord absolutely knew what a blessing she'd be to you during this time - and what a blessing you and your kids would be to her!

[Rickandlindafamily.wordpress.com]

I love how our relationships with our moms (and our grown daughters) can change and grow and get better! I've been reading your blog for ages and never leave you a comment, but just had to this time. I've wanted to tell you that I love how you end each post with a note to Josh Downs. It brings a lump to my throat each time. Thank you for sharing your life!
Linda

[Jennifer S]

I have tears.... I can understand this tension you speak of, but oh the beautiful memories of tough times. Beautiful. Treasure it. It's gold. I miss my mom, everyday.

[ellen patton]

I love that you are so real and honest and share your life on your blog.

[Susan]

as i read this on the 2 year anniversary on my mom's death....my usual teary eyed response has been replaced by crying outloud....I was so lucky to have a great relationship with my mom and remember the last time I spent with her i was getting impatient and anxious and instead of feeling bad or snapping at her I calmed myself down and told myself it wasn't really worth it and boy am i ever glad i did, for two weeks later she was gone. So good for you for recognizing the signs and GREAT for you for working it out.
Give your mom a big hug for me and try and enjoy this time you have together. It has happened for a reason...

[Kelly]

Thank you and God Bless you and your family!

[Juli P]

Beautiful post!
I can't say that I'm a jealous person, but when I read this I am completely envious of people who have these relationships with their mother. My sister and I would love to have that, but unfortunately, our mom is a complete and utter pain in the rear and everything with her in conditional and on her terms and all about her. Even on my wedding day (yes MY wedding day) she made ME feel bad and tried to make the day about her.
I'm so glad that your mom is there for you, you're a rock star and can do it on your own, but why? when you have a loving and supportive mother who is willing to give a hand. You're a lucky woman, with a wonderful family.... Take care!

[Corrine A.]

Karen, I love your blog. I love how you share yourself and your family in a way that inspires me to be a better mother, a better wife, a stronger woman and hopefully (as soon as I can swing your workshop)a better photographer. You are a strong, smart, courageous woman. Josh Downs is lucky he has you to love and support him and the kids while he is serving his country...and I have no doubt that you could totally do it alone, but I'm glad you don't have to.

[=^..^=]

My Mom and Dad moved in with us almost nine years ago (Dad's diagnosis of Altzheimer's was the trigger for the move) and it has been challenging and it has been a blessing. I get tied up in how the arrangement affects ME and I sometimes forget to see how the arrangement affects THEM, especially Mom. Women like to "nest" and have their own space, and my Mom has graciously trimmed her "space" down to two small rooms in our large home. Women like to feed their families, and Mom has graciously moved out of the kitchen except for a few days a month. She's a blessing to our family - helping in many of the same ways you've mentioned your Mom is helping you. Love her for the silent sacrifices she's making and allow the knowledge of her loss of self temper the need to be angry with her from time to time. Believe me, I speak from experience.

[KerrieLou]

Simply touching Karen. It's a beautiful thing that as we get older, we can still admit to our wrongs, and fix them. It's also a beautiful thing that we can still rely on our Moms to let us be that little girl sometimes....the one that gets their neck rubbed while they cry. Much love to you all during this tough time! xx

[Amie]

I am glad that God has blessed you and that you have a shoulder to cry on while Josh is gone. I have to admit that my heart breaks for you a little every time I read your blog. The sacrifice that you and you family are making to keep me and my family safe is so appreciated. I am praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us!

[Nicky from Canada]

I agree - everything happens for a reason. God has you under his wing. So thankful for your mom - a true blessing.

[jeni4tx]

great post! what a blessing your mommy is. Special time in your life, glad you realize that. <3