Lest you ever think I have it all together...

Sometimes I look at old photos of me and wish I could go back and tell that little girl something that would make her think differently of herself.

Sometimes I feel anxious when I look at blogs and realize how much cooler other people are than me.

Sometimes I worry that I'll never take a good picture again.

Sometimes I worry that my career is going to fade into oblivion because I'm like the old dog that doesn't want to learn new tricks when it comes to social media and marketing.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Sometimes I could care less about being cool and just want to be me.

Sometimes I like me.

Sometimes I don't like me.

Sometimes I can't decide if I like me or not.

Sometimes I get really tired of thinking about me and want to figure how to quit thinking about me.

Sometimes I wish Annie could stay this age forever.

Sometimes I wish Annie were 18.

Sometimes I think it would be ok if my career faded into oblivion.

Sometimes I think I make life harder than it has to be and I feel embarrassed by how messy and complicated I am.

Sometimes I dream that I'm looking at one of my favorite photos and it starts playing like an old, melancholy, 8mm home video.

Sometimes I worry that I'm missing the best years of their lives because I make life harder than it has to be.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really present.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really absent.

Sometimes I wish Coley were still small enough to take baths with.

Sometimes I get distracted when I'm writing a post like this and start thinking about wether or not I have any clean socks.

Sometimes I feel so close to God that I wonder how I ever lived my life with plenty of religion but no real relationship with Him.

Sometimes I forget how good it feels to be in relationship with God.

Sometimes I worry that if I say stuff like this you won't like me anymore.

Sometimes I realize that my life won't end if a few less people like me.

Sometimes I wonder why I was cursed with sausage legs and long to know what it would feel like to wear skirts that blow in the breeze all summer long.

Sometimes I realize that life is about more than just me and my sausage legs.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and right a few wrongs.

Sometimes I hide behind my camera.

Sometimes when I meet seven of the nicest, most well-manered kids I've ever met in my life and find out that their mom home-schools all of them, I spend the rest of the day crying.

Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom because my kids are driving me nuts.

Sometimes I like to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians and then I like to chastise myself for watching such brain-numbing rubbish.

Sometimes I get butterflies in my stomach when Josh takes the kids somewhere for the night because I get the house all to myself and then I like to chastise myself for wishing my family would leave.

Sometimes I wonder why I like to chastise myself so much.

Sometimes I just like to use the word chastise.

Sometimes I feel like I love them so much it hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I want to run away with the circus.

Sometimes I wish I had known Courtney Lee when she was an infant instead of meeting her on her third birthday.

Sometimes my social awkwardness even carries over to people I know and love.

Sometimes my social awkwardness feels shameful.

Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if I went back to scraping plaque and tartar off of people's teeth from 9-5.

Sometimes I wish that I could say sorry to that one girl back in high school.

Sometimes I start crying just because a flower is blowing in the breeze a certain way and it makes me think about how good God is.

Sometimes I wish that I had done more to fight for that friendship because I miss it.

Sometimes I wish that we lived in an apartment instead of a house built in 1905.

Sometimes I feel like God made me messy and complicated for a reason.

Sometimes I feel like a really crappy photographer.

Sometimes I feel like a really good mom.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mom.

Sometimes I wish I were driving in the car with Ross singing Total Eclipse of the Heart together at the top of our lungs again.

Sometimes I think this blog may have already jumped the shark.

Sometimes I just want a can of Pringles and a 24 oz. Coke for lunch even though its bad for me.

Sometimes I wonder if making a list like this is bad for me.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like had I respected myself more.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the right track.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so far off track that I'll never find my way back to the track at all.

Sometimes I think God has me right where he wants me.

 

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...Thanks for making me feel like this messy, complicated girl is all you ever wanted out of life.

Comments

[erinaaaa]

I love your blog, it is my favorite! Even though I have never met you in person, I think your awesome!

[Nikki M]

Can I just say how much I "love" you !!! (without being creepy) Seriously I feel that all the time and love that you have the courage to put it out there!

[Mindy]

Sometimes I have about 80% of those feelings you just shared and think I'm the only mom in the world that feels that way.

Sometimes, I come to your blog after a long, hard day teaching school and raising a family and your words are just what I need to hear, and your pictures are just what I needed to see.

You are an amazing woman, and your blog is on my must read every night...Thank you for who you are and doing what you do.

[Tammy]

YOU are amazing ... and it's because you allow God's love to radiate through you even into cyber-space, you are real (also read "vulnerable"), and you allow us all to be comfortable with the fact that we are, each and everyone, "works in progress". Thanks for sharing so transparently. You are in my prayers these days while Josh is away.

[jaymee]

Always, always, always be yourself. Be because you're the only you in this world and trust me YOU are AMAZING. Want to know something funny? I didn't want to meet you. I've been reading your blog since before Annie was born and I still have product you designed from 4 years ago in my stash b/c I love it so much I just can't bear to use it until I find *just* the right page. I always save your blog for last because it's my fav. You're one of my most favorite people on the planet and I don't even know you. I didn't want to meet you. I was afraid that this awesome incredible person that I admired for so long would turn out to be rubbish. But meeting you gave me such faith in the world...faith that are people out there who really are as nice, and kind, and lovely, and grounded, and REAL as they seem. Never stop being you Karen, we would all be lost without you. : )

[Heather M.]

thank you. thank you. thank you for writing this. thank you for your honesty and openness and for being real on your blog. thank you for voicing so many of the thoughts i have in my own head every day but never voice myself because i worry that every one will think i'm crazy. this post meant so much to me.

[L.]

I'm laughing, I'm crying, I'm totally with you sister.

You are even genius enough to put the feelings down that I can't even vocalize.

Thank you.

I'm printing this one up. It's a keeper.

[Healthwithhappiness.wordpress.com]

Never commented before - but I love your blog too! Its one of my favourites!

I noticed this week that I have been thinking of the way you photograph, and have been trying to capture my own children in the same way you do.

Keep doing what your doing for even if you doubt, Dont, for its a good thing :)

[Sinead]

I LOVE that list! I think I need to do one for myself. :D

[melissa]

Sometimes when I read a post like this, I feel less alone in the world. Thank you.

[Jodi R]

It's been a hard week here...reading your post made me cry but also have a bit more hope that this tough time will pass, it made me give myself just a bit of a break and it made me think of all the good in my wonderful, messy life. Thank you.

[Brenda]

Sometimes I have these exact same feelings. Sometimes my social awkwardness gets in my way too. It's good to know that I am not the only one that has these thoughts. I love your blog, and think that you are an extremely interesting and talented person. If I ever had the chance to meet you, my only hope would be that I could push through my awkwardness and be able to talk to you without my shyness getting in the way.

[Lisa Valente]

Sometimes it's someone just like you that pull me back in from the edge by reminding me that I'm not alone.
Sometimes you make me smile.
Sometimes you make me laugh right out loud.
Sometimes you make me cry.
Sometimes (most times) you give me something to live up to.
Sometimes you make daily challenges not so challenging.
Sometimes, Karen Russell is just down right Amazing and true gift.

[Gretchen]

This is such a good reminder for me today - God made me messy/complicated, too, and He doesn't make mistakes. Thanks, Karen. :)

[christa]

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Manon Keir]

Glad I'm not the only one xxx

[karen eyink]

poetry. doesn't it just clear your head to get it out on "paper".
sometimes I wonder how someones thighs only grew to be as big as someones arm, how is that possible.

[Chris]

& I am thankful for your honesty and that you share
Chris x

[Liz Walker]

I am usually a Silent Reader .. tonight I can totally relate and just had to let you know!

[Trish]

Sometimes I wish I could write just ONE blog post like this one.

I love you, Karen Russell. Exactly the way you are.

[Kathy]

Truely it must be "that time of the month"........ I am feeling all over the place as well. I am feeling like a crap photographer, crap mother, it's a struggle to lose those 10kgs that I put on to make myself feel loved when I was being truely badly treated by a certain husband who is now an ex husband. I just wanted to run away today but you can't when you are raising 2 small children on your own. Everyone has good days and bad days and you are no different although I think the bit about the bad photographer could all be in your head. Thanks for keeping your blog real all the time. Kathy, Australia

[Tess S]

you're a rockstar.

[Robin healy]

I didn't think I could like you more... this makes me wish I was your best friend. Karen, you spoke right to my heart with this post. You are amazing! This has inspired me to write my own "sometimes" list.

[Peggy in Houston]

Many times I wished I had your life - the way you go and do things with your kids and take short day trips. Most of the time I remember my life is good all on its own. Thank you, Josh Downs for your service and Karen, Coley, Annie, Ross and Courtney for your sacrafice.

[Mary]

We are out here laughing and crying with you. We are rooting you on. We feel your pain. We admire your honesty. We love how you love Josh Downs and your darling kids. We covet your mad skills. We always wish the best for you. We wish you could see what we see in you. We love you like a sister. We are here for you; thank you for being there for us.