My Incentive Plan.

I was 19  (just a year younger than Ross is right now) and had just moved Ross and I into an apartment in Klamath Falls, Oregon so I could start my freshman year of college at OIT.

I had a hand-me-down couch, a few dishes, a tiny television set and a few decorations I had picked up from the dollar store.  (And my Aunt had just given me that crib you see in the background because I only had a playpen.)

I was receiving food stamps, WIC (free cheese & milk), Pell Grants and Student Loans.

And I didn't have the self-esteem to know that I could make it through college as a single-mom.

But I had him (Ross) and somehow, he felt like my little 'incentive plan'.

I did lots of things wrong (like assuming that cherry vanilla custard was just as healthy as strained peas simply because it had the Gerber logo on it) but I did lots of things right too (like loving on him endlessly.)

What I regret most though is that I kind of wished his childhood away.

I just kept hoping that he'd get to the 'next stage' more quickly - thinking that the next stage would be easier. 

Wishing I didn't have to be up, patting his back so many times through the night and falling asleep in class the next day as a result.  Wishing he'd learn how to feed himself so I could get a few minutes to wash the dishes.  Wishing he'd learn to entertain himself more so I could study without all the interruptions.

And I have a lot of regret in that.

Ross and I were lucky to have my family's support though.

My mom who would take him during finals week every term.  My sister and our college buddy, Dawn who would take him to class when I didn't have a babysitter and couldn't take him to class with me.  (My sister started at OIT the term after me.)  My dad who who slipped me a $20 bill anytime I stopped by his work.  My Aunt & Uncle who watched him when I had evening classes.  And my Grandma who was thrilled to have him a couple of times a month when I wanted to go out and whoop it up like a regular, college student.

I never felt like a regular college student though.

I felt like a kid with a kid.

I felt embarrassed to be a 19 year old, single-mom.

I felt like a walking, social-stigma.

But he was my incentive plan when I wanted to give up.  He was there to snuggle with when I was lonely.  He made me smile when I was in tears.  He gave me a reason to feel proud instead of ashamed.

And he was there with a Sunny Delight in one hand and his little Fisher Price camera in the other, taking pictures of me through the chain link fence the day I graduated.

And in a way, I have him to thank for making it through college.

He was my incentive plan.

I've never known what it feels like to be an adult without him.

And quite honestly, I'm kind of scared to find out what it feels like.

He's planning on going to OIT in the fall (the same college I went to) and we've been doing lots of things to get him ready.

I talked him into writing down some long-term and short-term goals and what steps he's going to take to achieve them.

Josh made him take a 'developing proper study habits for college' class online.

When I bought new pots & pans last year, I left a box full of our old pots & pans in his bedroom.  When he realized what they were for, he looked at me pathetically and said, "I can't believe your making plans for me to move out already."

And we've come up with a written agreement for the percentage of tuition we're willing to pay based on his GPA each term which is something he and I have talked about since he was little.  (He has to get a job to pay for his living expenses though.)

And he asked if I'd take him to Klamath Falls to help him check out apartments soon. 

I don't think either one of us feel 100% ready though.

Ross is (respectfully) trying to exert his independence and some days, it's enough to make me want him to go exert his independence in his own house.

And I am (respectfully) insisting that he continue abiding by my rules so long as he is in my home and some days, I think that's enough to make him want to have his own house where my rules do not exist.

The other day, he sad, "Mom, you've been teaching me this stuff my whole life, now you need to trust me enough to let me do it."

And he's right (although I'd like to think I still have plenty of valuable, life lessons to impart.)

I feel relieved that we've maintained as good of a relationship as we have these last few years though.

He hugs me in front of his friends.  He tells me I'm beautiful.  He texts me funny things we used to say when he was little.  He respects me.  He closes his mouth when he feels like he is about to disrespect me.  And he says that when he has kids one day, he's going to raise them just like I raised him.

And that feels like a huge pat on the back (even though I hope he doesn't raise his kids exactly the way I raised him.)

And anytime we're struggling, I just say, "Ross, hang in there with me for just a few more months.  Trust me enough to do it my way for just a little longer.  Help me keep this relationship intact." 

And he does.

And I'm thankful for that.

And I respect him for that.

I love you Ross.

Thanks for always being my incentive plan.

(And now I'm off to blow-dry my hair so I can take my 18 year old son out for his birthday dinner.)

Comments

[mandy friend]

oh Karen, you made me tear up. If my boys turn out as respectful and as sweet as Ross I will be so proud. You've done amazing, there's a great spirit inside that boy:)!

[Alisa Logue]

Oh, I got teary! You're a good mom! It flies by way too fast doesn't it!

[krys72599]

Karen, congrats on one of the best posts you've ever written.
Your love for your family is obvious any time you talk about them, but a post like this one is a gift to your son that he will treasure forever.
And it's a gift that keeps on givin'!

[Lindsey]

Beautiful. I have tears in my eyes!

[Jennifer L]

Karen, I'm sitting here bawling as I read your post. It's beautifully written. You are such a good mom. I wish you were my friend. I could really use a good one right now. Your family is lucky to have you. You are blessed.

[Andrea Elizabeth]

Karen, you are the best mom ever. I am in awe of you each and everyday...... happy 18th birthday Ross.... I am 25 today! 4-12 is the BEST.

[Nicole]

That was just beautiful Karen! You have done an amazing job as a parent and should be very proud of yourself.

[Lynn]

Karen,
What an absolutely beautiful post. Happy 18th Birthday to your Ross - it is apparent that he is a wonderful young man and that he has you to thank for that. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

I appreciate it very much.

Lynn

[Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita]

A beautiful post and a beautiful family. My family is asking me why I'm smiling and looking wobbly all at the same time ... Happy Birthday to Ross. You did a great job with that kid!

[Christy]

I was 17 when I had my boys. (twins) They just turned 20. I feel bad, too, that I didn't do everything perfectly and that I didn't spend more time just being with them. I heard someone talking about what he thought heaven would be like. (not literally, just talking.) He said there would be a bunch of "screening" rooms and you could watch all of these great moments in history and witness first hand what happened. I hope God has a screening room for little moments in history, too, so he can show us how much good he was able to bring out of the mistakes we made. These kids would probably still be great people had we been perfect, but different, ya know? Congratulations on a job well done!

[beth]

Karen, you obviously did a great job with Ross and I have no doubt you are a great Mom! As the Mother of an 18 yr old son myself (and a 20 yr old as well) who also hugs me in front of his friends I feel your frustrations and your joy! Congrats to both you and Ross for helping each other grow up!

[Lindsey]

Wow, great post! You are so blessed with an amazing family! Happy Birthday Ross!

[Stephanie Vetne]

This is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read! What an amazing mom you are and what an amazing kid he is. I'm all teary-eyed and misty over this one.

[teresa b]

You did it again.. smiling thru the trears!! You are an amazing mom Karen.. Happy 18th birthday Ross.. Good job!!

[Yolanda]

That post was beautiful. I think it would make great text for an entire album. Just pictures of you and your boy and these heartfelt words.

[Dusti]

Man, you almost had me in tears with this one! You had me wondering about where Ross was moving to with your last post(as if I actually knew him, ha!) Loved the bag of Top Ramen(still love that stuff!)

[Heather Freeman]

I am teared up as well. That was a truly beautiful entry. I am raising 3 boys, 8, 7, and 2, and hope that I can maintain special relationships with each one of them as you have with Ross. You have done an amazing job, and it shows. He loves you so openly.....and that isnt something that comes automatically....it is something that is shared and shown. Kudos to you, Karen. I hope you have an amazing night with Ross as he celebrates his 18th birthday.

[Carla]

Oh my Karen, that was so sweet and heartfelt! You certainly raised a good boy :)

[Addie]

Well said! You did a great job! Off to wipe my tears! Happy Birthday Ross!

[Jennifer]

That was a beautiful story, made me tear up.

[michelle]

karen, you did it! you raised one heck of an awesome kid there and i'm so glad you share your stories here with us. i've said it before, but i'm gonna go ahead and say it again-- ross ROCKS! and so do you!!

[Trina]

I got tears in my eyes just reading your words Karen! While I'm sure you've made your share of mistakes (what mom hasn't) it's obvious you've done such an amazing job with your son! My son is 14 now & every time I read your posts about Ross I hope and pray that I will have that same kind of relationship with him that you have with your son! You are so very lucky to have him!! And he's incredibly lucky to have you, too. I hope he has a happy birthday. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with all of us out here!

[val koop]

Bravo Mama. Bravo.

[jennifer Compton]

You rock.

[Valerie + Madigan]

Best post to date...
You're lucky to have each other!!