Sometimes.

Sometimes, being put in a straight jacket and being hauled off to the funny farm sounds more appealing than spending the entire day sorting laundry, doing laundry, folding laundry and putting away laundry.

And sometimes, I feel like my head might literally explode into a million pieces if I hear the words, 'mom', 'mommy' or 'momma' one more time.

And sometimes I feel like I could actually cry because of all the toothpaste on the sink, the light switch, the mirror, the drawer pull, the door knob and everyone's clothing.  (And find myself quite riddled with the question, "How are their teeth still dirty if they used that much toothpaste?")

And sometimes I feel like pulling the car over and dropping them all off along the side of the road because of the fighting, whining and complaining coming from the back seat.  

And sometimes, I want to scream at the top of my lungs when they start complaining about having to practice their spelling words every single morning on the way to school.  (Do they really think that I'm practicing spelling words for the sheer pleasure I derive from it?)

And sometimes, I wait in anticipation for them to come home from school only to feel utterly exhausted and defeated within five minutes of their arrival.

And sometimes, I dream of the day when they're all grown up and I can walk through the house without stepping on all of the Legos, babies, color crayons, lunch boxes, crumbs and dirty socks that they leave behind for me to pick up.  (And then I quickly guilt the crap out of myself for wishing away the next 15 years of my life.)

And quite honestly, most of that has nothing to do with my kids (they're just normal kids...in fact, they're actually pretty well-behaved kids) and everything to do with me.

I've known the source of my problems for awhile, but I feel like I have a better understanding of them now than I used to (so bare with me and/or ignore me if you've heard some of this before):

The #1 source of my problem:  I have kids.

The #2 source of my problem:  I have these constant Norman Rockwell-ish visions circling around in my head of what things will/should look like.  I have expectations.  And it's those expectations that get me in trouble because real life rarely unfolds the way I had envisioned it would.  Recently, I heard someone say that 'expectations reduce joy' and that is certainly ringing true in my life.

Like when I talk to the kids on the phone and I have this expectation that they should be as excited to talk to me as I am to talk to them.  And if they're not, I feel disappointed.  Or when we go somewhere like the zoo or the park or out of town and I expect them to be on their best behavior because we're trying to do something special for them, and when they start bickering or complaining, I feel disappointed (and frustrated.)

And I know that they're just kids and that I shouldn't have all these expectations of things.  The problem is that what I know and what I feel are two totally different things.

The #3 source of my problem:  I allow my entire existence to revolve around my kids.  If they're down, I'm down.  If they're cranky, I'm cranky.  If they misbehave, I assume it must be a direct reflection upon my parenting.  I'm always stressing over how I handled something in the past and I'm always worried about what's going to happen with them in the future...so much so that at times, it makes me an ineffective parent in the present moment.

Josh has a much healthier outlook.  He says that he just wakes up every day and does the very best he can.  When he screws up, he learns from it, moves on and does it better next time.  And if the kids turn out, they turn out.  And if they don't, he still knows that he did his very best each and every day.

If one of these kids doesn't turn out, I'm sure I will hold myself solely responsible for it my entire life.

Last night when we were out shopping with the kids (we decided to buy presents for two local family's who are struggling financially) I ended up getting all bent out of shape because the kids were arguing.  (I had a Norman Rockwell vision in my head of what a magical night we'd have, how appreciative my kids would be for all they have, the lessons they'd all learn from helping others, etc., etc., etc.)  In my own defense, I wasn't freaking out or yelling or anything (ok, I did holler once), I was just quiet and easily irritated. 

After we dropped off the presents, we went to dinner and while we were ordering, Josh said, "The kids are actually being pretty good, you should just take a chill-pill."  (A term I'm quite sure I haven't heard since High School.)

Funny how being told to take a 'chill-pill' actually has the exact opposite effect on a person's mood.

He has since apologized (twice) for that statement...and though he might have thought of a better choice of words, I know he had good intentions.  He just wants me to be happy.  But my point is that if I could 'take a chill-pill', believe me, I would.  I'd O.D. on chill-pills if given the option.

I just don't have that 'choose your attitude' gene that Josh has.

And I don't really know where I'm going with all of this...I feel like I'm just kind of rambling now.  (Perhaps I'm trying to avoid that pile of laundry?)

Just one of those days I guess.

Comments

[mandy friend]

Karen...so glad I'm not the only one ( and the toothpaste thing? wow I really did need to hear someone else has to wipe down their walls, and switchplates EVERYDAY like me!!). If you ever need an overpriced coffee, a trip to Target and someone who gets it, give me a call( Ross knows where I live). We'll escape together!

[shreve6]

OH I just love this poast. I completely relate. I find myself in this spot frequently. I laughed I cried. Thanks.
I am a silent stalker of yours. Read your blog all the time and enjoy your pictures too.
Hang in there
My favorite saying is "She has done what she could."

[JaYne]

Yep, I so totally relate to all of it. My kids are 29, 27 and 22. but I so remember those days, and wishing my life away. Now it's quiet, and routine.
I admire you, your pictures, your stories. In 20 years you'll have a small pile of laundry, a clean house and lots of time to yourself. Enjoy the days you're having now, they're much more fun!

[Stephanie]

I've been reading your blog for year, and don't think I've ever commented, that is, until now. I must say how much I relate to freaking out (in a bad way) after someone very close to me that understands me and my personality tells me to "relax." I just CAN'T! Thanks for more great reflections!

[Renee]

So there with you. And there more days than not! You expressed my inner conflict and frustration just perfectly! Can you now give me an answer? Please? Lol! And perferabbly ine that doesn't have me giving the kids away or me running away, lol! No...seriously, parenting is just difficult. I think that if someone would have been utterly honest with me beforehand, there might have been a few differences. But I truly wouldn't trade them for peace and serinity, although at times that is very apppealing in loo of the fighting, complaining, whining, cleaning, stressing, and the daggum stupid laundry!

[Jennifer Labre]

Karen, that's me too. So me. So much in fact, that well, that's a lot of why I got behind in class (I just wrote you about this.) I felt guilty, like I should be taking care of them, not me. Now I feel guilty cause I spent all that money on me and lost out anyway. Anyway, you're not alone and if you find that chill pill let me know, cause the one I got ain't working! :)

[Nicole]

You hit the nail on the head Karen! I am in the same sinking boat! I love that phrase, "expectations reduce joy."

[MichelleG]

I wish I had that gene too...but I don't and I often feel the same way you do. I don't have any words of wisdom. I just try to ride those feelings out and keep reminding myself that it doesn't stay this way for long. Hugs...

[Melanie C.]

I can totally relate Karen. I'm actually hiding out in the office right now because we just got back from Target with my kids & let's say their behavior was definitely not "Norman Rockwell-ish." I keep trying to tell myself to relax, but I can't. I can't bring myself to look at the laundry at this point. Hang in there.

[Rochelle]

Chill-pill maybe worse than being told to "Chillax" (last weekend by my husband and defined by my 7 year old) I'm right there with you-I think your post succinctly summed up what it feels like to be a mom. Hang in there and when you find that secret stash of chill-pills will you be sure to let us all know, I could probably use about a million.
put the laundry behind a closed door and have a glass of wine-
Rochelle

[annie]

We all have those days...I think it was in the fine print of the kid handbook.....make a fire and have a beer tonight!! or hot cocoa...sounds more Norman Rockwellish!! I am there with you.....it's the holidays....what can ya do?
I bet you felt better after typing that out though. Maybe you should just hide that pile of laundry and maybe tomorrow you will wake up and plow thru it.
Have a happy night!! :)

[Susi]

Amazing that someone else knows exactly how I feel and have felt since I became a Mother. My sons are now adults, but my oldest son has health problems that caused him to have to leave college and move back home. My youngest is married and lives near Ft. Hood, Texas where his wife is stationed. My life still revolves around my sons and I really have to work on that more. I share a little secret with you. Right now it doesn't seem like many of the expectations are being met, but it's like planting seeds. I am blown away by the men my sons have become. I have also slowly had to surrender my expectations (I also have the Norman Rockwell ideal) with hope of being able to let go of control and allow myself to enjoy being in the moment with my family. The days were long but the years flew by too fast. A clean, quiet house with free time is overrated. I'd pay with everything I have if I could go back to those chaotic days. You and Josh are such a complimentary couple and co-parents!

[kendra]

You are my sister from another mother! I feel the exact same way. I do take a "chill pill" though, in the form of Lexapro. I was so anxious all the time about things being just so and I would have way too many freak out moment. Lexa and I are very good friends. My kids and hubby like her too!

[michelle]

The #4 source of my problem: You're a MOM. And a great one at that! :)

(btw, i'm right there with ya on the chill-pills).

[Angela Kelley]

Wow, I can really relate, it's been that kind of day here too... I hope that tomorrow will be smoother!:)

[Jaimie]

I wish I could take a chill pill too. I think most men are like that. They just don't worry as much as we do.

[Val from Down Under]

Karen, know that you are definitely NOT alone. Many of us go through the same thing. But let me tell you that as a Christian, I pray - I lean on God and ask him to give me strength, patience, wisdom and to open my eyes to what is really important - love. Right now, delight in your family because they grow so fast! My son is married and they are expecting their first baby 2 days before Christmas and my daughter is turning 21 2 days after Christmas and I think - where has the time gone? It makes me sad that I didn't document my life the way that you are now, when they are growing up and you can record everything.

So what am I saying? It's ok to feel the way you do. It's ok that you're not on top of the laundry or the housework. Love on your family - the rest will sort itself out.

[Kim Holmes]

I follow your blog religiously --- not because you are a fabulous photgrapher (but you are) --- not because you are an amazing artist (you are that too) --- but because you remind me on a daily basis that my kids are a blessing and that no matter is going on in my life, that I'm not alone! Your days mirror mine and I love the mix of reality and humor you give to your posts --- it never fails to make me smile. Never forget you are not alone --- the source of my problems are the same as yours --- in fact, my 7 kids range from 9 years to 28 years and 3 are on their own. I have days where I step on the toys and I can't wait for them all to be out of the house. Then there are those days when I already feel like I have an empty nest and I can't shake the sadness. You remind me to cherish every moment and take lots of pictures --- BTW --- there is no magic CHILL PILL --- things just don't matter as much as you age. Enjoy!

[Andrea B.]

all of this is normal!!! no worries.. However, my mom ALWAYS said that "Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens" so true :) enjoy your time with them it will fly by!

[Cindy Welch]

I totally get you, it was the reason i worked, to get a break. Just keep doing what you are doing. Your pictures say a thousand words. They are happy and its okay the "freak out" as needed. They live in a happy two parent home and over all they are good. So, I can tell ya that my new favorite "pear"fect martini is the perfect "chill pill". Wanna have one?

[Terry Gardiner]

yup, I could have written this post of myself. I understand, appreciate and ride the roller coaster with you.

[Jennifer M.]

Everybody had "those days" every now and then. Some times rambling just makes you feel a little bit better, doesn't it?

[Crystal]

You are a mom! I think all of us have this problem! I know one of the things I have learned is that I need to communicate my thoughts and expectations verbally to my family, preferably beforehand (saves a lot of anguish). The other thing that has made a huge difference for me is to notice and keep a list of the small gratitude gifts I have in my life daily. It doesn't sound like much but it is for me. Don't beat yourself up - you are living life and have an amazing family. Take care!

[Amy]

oh my gosh, you eloquently put into words what a million moms have wanted to for sooo long! At least I have. I could relate to every single thing you wrote about, so I applaud you for putting your feelings into words so the rest of us sympathize right along with you! That's the beauty of blogging. And you do a great job of it, so thank you! Merry, merry Christmas!

[jodi lansink]

I had to reply and say I SO GET the toothpaste thing----seriously, how does it get everywhere?!?!? It is a daily struggle to keep it cleaned....thought I was the only one!! Great post----I need some chill pills most of the time too!