My life...just not on the road I expected (but it's still dang good).

Perspective.

And then, there's little things like this that help get it all back in perspective...

Cole & Courtney stayed up late coloring and reading (and getting along the whole time) and then camped out in sleeping bags in Courtney's bedroom.

I just sat on the floor in the hallway for awhile in the quiet of a sleeping house (except for the sound of Josh snoring), feeling lucky (easy to appreciate them when they're all sleeping).

Shot this with my 50mm lens at f2 for 1/60th of a second, ISO1600.  I had to turn on the hall light and the bathroom light to get enough light for the shot.

Thanks for sharing so many of your stories & insights with me yesterday (I needed it).

Encouragement, Discipline and Cheez-Wiz.

I'm sitting here with a can of leftover Cheez-Wiz (thanks to a little party we threw for Cole & Courtney last night), a box of sesame wheat crackers and a 20 oz. Coke...feeling blue (I wish that running on the elliptical trainer cheered me up the way a can of Cheez-Wiz does).

Truth is, I've been somewhat blue for the past couple of months.

And it has all caught up with me over the last few days.

I'm struggling to keep up with that "perfect mom" I have pictured in my head.

I'm struggling to raise kids to be happy, compassionate, thinking, disciplined, Christian adults.

I'm struggling because I have such a tendency to over-think, over-analyze and over-worry everything that I do when it comes to parenting.

I'm struggling because I think that I relate my own self-worth to the behavior of my kids.

We went to church this morning.

I listened intently as our pastor talked about the balance between raising kids with discipline and encouragement.

Raise them with too much encouragement and not enough discipline and you risk the outcome of an adult who is overly indulgent, self-centered and unable to make good decisions.

Raise them with too much discipline and not enough encouragement and you risk the outcome of an adult who has problems with insecurity and self-esteem.

And therefore, the goal (of course) is to find the perfect balance between encouragement and discipline (and I think that finding the balance gets even trickier because each kid requires a different balance).

It's very similar to Love & Logic, which really focuses on allowing kids to learn from life's natural consequences.

I've been doing Love & Logic for about 6 years now.  I've taken classes on it and I've listened to hours of Love & Logic CD's. 

I really believe in it.

But I consistently struggle with one crucial ingredient to Love & Logic...

And that is the part where the parent does not show any anger or frustration with the problem or the consequence.

Both the problem & the consequence belong to the kid - not the parent.

I am as consistent as consistent can be in letting my kids experience natural life consequences.

"Don't want to wear your coat to school today even though it's snowing?...No problem." (and then you hope they freeze their tails off so that they'll learn the consequence of not taking a coat to school).

"Don't want to pick your toys up off the living room floor?...No problem, I'll be happy to pick them up for you and put them them in the garbage can." (I do it all the time).

"Want to slam your bedroom door whenever you're mad?...No problem, we're happy to take it off the hinges and we'll even store it out the garage for you until you're responsible enough to have it back."

I've got that part down.

But the "not getting frustrated" part just eludes me.

And so does the "knowing when to shut-up" end of it.

Because once I get frustrated, I can take a perfectly good Love & Logic lesson and slowly watch it go down the drain because I can't keep my mouth shut and my frustration invisible.

Annie and I went to rent movies today.

As soon as we got inside, she started hollering "Down peeez!" because she couldn't stand the thought of not being able to touch all those movies.

And I don't mind her touching the movies, I just don't want her picking up the movies.

So I put her down and reminded her that she could look and touch, but that she couldn't pick them up.

And of course, she went straight for the first movie within her reach and picked it up.

I took it out of her hands and reminded her again not to pick them up.

She looked right at me, picked up the same movie and threw it on the ground.

I said "Uh-oh, this is soooooo sad, looks like Annie is going to have to hold Mommy's hand now because she can't quit picking up the movies."

And that's when she threw herself on the ground with her arms and legs flailing in the air, screaming "No Mommy, no Mommy, no Mooooooooommmmy!" which then turned into "Up Mommy, up Mommy, uuuuuuuuuuup Mommy!"

And I could feel that flood of embarrassment and frustration filling my stomach as everyone turned to stare.

I wanted to go and scoop her up and run out the front door to the car.

But that was clearly her objective (since she was still screaming "Up Mommy!", only louder now).

Love & Logic also says that "When kids are behaving well, they get lots of attention and when kids are behaving poorly, they get none".

And I agree with that too.

So I walked down the isle and stood off to the side behind one of the end caps where she couldn't see me...and waited for her to quit screaming.

I waited and waited (and waited) while people looked around to see what was going on, while people walked by staring, while people shot me their disapproving looks, feeling sick at my stomach.

And about five minutes later (seriously), when she finally quit screaming, I walked down the aisle and asked "Are you done pitching a fit now?", she said "Yes", I picked her up, paid for our movies and left (with people still staring).

I sat in silence and frustration the whole drive home.

And Annie must have felt it too because as soon as we got home, she pitched another fit for no reason (I don't think the folks at Love & Logic would agree with my decision to glorify the fit by taking pictures of it though).

And then I laid her down for a nap.

And then I sat down and cried.

Cried because of the Blockbuster situation.

Cried because some days it feels like there is no break from the fits and the whining and the tattling and the mess.

Cried because I want so badly to do right by all these kids, but sometimes, I just feel like I'm failing them all miserably.

Cried because if I were Josh, I could simply decide that my current emotion was unproductive, choose a more productive one and move on (but it just doesn't work like that in my head).

Cried to my Mom when she stopped by.

Cried when she left.

And then I took to the Cheez-Wiz.

And then Josh came home and I cried some more.

And, a can of Cheez-Wiz later, I have come to the temporary conclusion that it really isn't necessary for a two, a five, a seven and a fifteen year old to agree with all of my parenting techniques (or anyone else for that matter).

And I am willing to deal with a bit of their short-term unhappiness if it paves the way for their future happiness.

And my real hope is that someday, when they are adults and have children of their own that they will say "Thanks for raising us right Mom".

Or maybe just, "Thanks for always trying your best Mom".

Or at least "Thanks for not screwing us up too bad Mom."

Wii.

I got a Wii for Christmas.

I'm actually "anti-video game". 

We haven't had video games in the house for years (Ross had a Nintendo when he was 10 or so, but he was the first and last kid in the house to have one).

I just don't like that my kids would want to sit on the couch and play them for hours on end (especially Cole).

And I don't like that my kids would whine and complain about wanting to play them (especially Cole).

But...Jill got a Wii.

And whenever Jill gets something, I always want one too (drives Josh crazy).

So I told Josh that I wanted to get one for the family for Christmas.

He thought it was a bad idea, but he still let me drag him around to a bunch of stores to find one.

But you couldn't find any Wii's this Christmas.

Everyone was sold out.  People were camping out overnight for them.

Toys-R-Us was getting in new shipments almost everyday, but they were selling out within a matter of minutes.

Josh happened to call them to see if they had any in stock a few days before Christmas and they said that they had one in stock, but that it would be sold within a matter of seconds.

Lucky for me, he was just down the street when he called and was able to get there in time to get the very last one.

So I got a Wii for Christmas (actually, my name was on the box, but everyone in the house was pretty excited when I opened it).

And in my defense, you can't sit on the couch and play Wii.  You have to stand up.  You have to move around.  You have to make funny noises.  It even wears you out if you really get into the game (and I really get into the game).

In fact, I have sore muscles from Wii'ing so much.

And I just kicked Josh's tail in Wii golf.

Their favorites

Favorite Christmas memory:  seeing Santa over in Klamath Falls.

Favorite gift:  Hannah Montana doll.

Favorite Christmas memory:  spending time with family.

Favorite gift:  Legos.

Favorite Christmas memory:  eating crackers.

Favorite gift:  Goldfish crackers.

Favorite Christmas memory: longboarding with Jesse.

Favorite gift:  longboard.

And as much as I love taking candid, everyday shots of my family...I have to admit that I don't have much patience when it comes to trying to get my kids to sit and behave for posed shots like these (taking these shots just about sent me over the edge).

Although Ross got me laughing when it was his turn in front of the camera.

Hundreds and hundreds (and hundreds) of Christmas photos to edit- will try to post some here in the next day or two.

Football.

A little impromptu football game (at a rest stop in between opening presents at my Dad's house and the Christmas Eve service at our church).

Courtney with her sweater on backwards.

Annie and her new puppy.

And unfortunately, I only saw it in my peripheral vision, but Josh took off running, shouted "Hit me in the air Ross", leaped into the air, onto a tree stump, off of the tree stump, onto the ground and into a pile of dog doo (and missed the ball).

Practicing what I preach.

It's hard to get good pictures at Christmastime.

Seems like most of the memories unfold in bad lighting situations which means lots of digital noise, weird color casts, blurriness, etc.

But I teach (preach) a lot about the difference between  emotionally perfect photos and a technically perfect photos.

And if I had to choose one or the other, I'd take an emotionally perfect photo any day of the week.

I'm just much happier when my emotionally perfect photos happen to be technically perfect also.

So...a few emotionally perfect photos from the past few days.

Courtney Lee's Christmas program.

Decorating all seven branches of our Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Driving around town to check out Christmas lights (Courtney was the first one to fall asleep).

Me & Jenny across the street from Josh's parents house at the Tolo Tavern (4 shots of Tequila for her...because she's a real woman and 1 cranberry & vodka for me because I'm a real wuss).

Hours of wrapping presents.

And a birthday party for Cousin Brooke.

And I don't have any pictures, but we've all sang "Jingle Bells" at least 14 bazillion times now because it's Annie's favorite new song (thanks Grandma Jo).

The up side of things.

Sometimes, when I tell Josh (Sally Sunshine) my opinion, he says something like "Well, that's one way to look at it, but if you want to look at it from an optimistic point of view...".

Absolutely cracks me.

I'm not a pessimist by any stretch of the imagination, but standing next to Josh, I look like a total pessimist (Gandhi would have looked like a pessimist next to Josh).

It's what I love about him.

But it's also what drives me crazy about him.

Because I'm always the troublemaker in our relationship.

If there's a problem - I'm usually the cause of it. 

If there's a disagreement - I'm usually the cause of that too.

This post is actually about some computer problems I'm having though.

Not Josh.

Or our relationship.

Or Gandhi.

I downloaded some photos from Cole's wrestling meet on Saturday.  I looked through them briefly.  Deleted the losers and figured I would get back to editing them later.

Went to edit them yesterday only to find that about half of them are gone.

The folder is still there.  The pictures from his first match are still there.  The pictures of Annie playing on the bleachers are still there.  But the pictures of his second and third match are gone and so are the pictures that I took of Annie playing in front of the High School.

I did a search through my whole computer.  No luck.

Checked the recycle bin.  No luck.

Downloaded some photo recovery software that a friend recommended.  No luck.

It's killing me that I lost them.  I hate losing photos.  I had plans for those photos.

But, I guess that "if you want to look at things from an optimistic point of view"...

I did stumble across a whole folder full of pictures of Annie that I took back in October of 2006 that I had never even seen and were about to delete.

And this one just made my heart race.

I love them...

But they are driving me crazy.

And I might as well start with this one...

1. He refuses to wear 80% of his sweatshirts and shirts because they feel "itchy" and I've had to give away brand new packages of socks because he didn't like how the seams felt on his toes.

2. He is the most stubborn, opinionated, headstrong kid I have ever met.

3. He thinks it is entertaining for the the whole family to listen to him tell & retell every single scene from every single movie he has ever watched.

1. She is the messiest eater ever.

2. She loves to stick her feet on Cole when she things no one is looking just to watch him loose his mind.

3. If there's a loose string on her sock, her shirt, a blanket, the couch, etc., she'll turn it into a huge, gaping hole in a matter of minutes.

1. She tags along at my heals all morning while I'm trying to get everyone ready, whining "Up peez, up peez, up peez, UP PEEZ, UP PEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!".

2. She takes off her shoes and socks every time we get in the car and throws them all in different directions (sometimes whizzing past my head while I'm driving) so that they are impossible to find by the time we get to where we are going.

3. She picks off every single bump, brown spot and stringy thing that she finds on her bananas and wipes them on me.

1. His room is always disgusting.

2. He thinks he can lay on the charm and/or humor to get out of anything.

3. He always uses the excuse that he can't go somewhere with us because he needs to clean his room (How is it that your room is always disgusting if you are always "cleaning it" Ross?).

Jacksonville.

We went out to Jacksonville yesterday.

They do really cool stuff out there on the weekends this time of year.

Like serving hot apple cider and roasted chestnuts (to stick in your pockets and keep your hands warm).

And they have horse drawn carriage rides around town.

That might be my favorite picture of the day (the horse sneezed on poor Courtney while she was trying to pet it).

(bad lighting, but my Dad sure looks handsome).

And Santa is there (Annie wants absolutely nothing to do with Santa).

And there's a really great toy store in town.

But even in such a magical place...

You (ie. Cole) can still land yourself in time-out if you're being mean to your sister.

Annie may not care for Santa, but she is a big fan of stuffed animals and toy stores.

And Grandmas.

And swings.

And so are the big boys.

And posts from the last two years in Jacksonville...makes me so happy I blog:  2005 (only a couple of those pictures are from Jacksonville) and 2006.

Right now.

Everyone's playing some sort of video guitar game that Dillon brought over (they even talked me into playing...and I suck).