Josh Downs was the guest speaker at a Memorial Day chapel service at the kid's school this morning, so he got to talk about taking time to thank service men, women and families for their sacrifices, his deployment in Afghanistan and the core values of the Air Force (Integrity. Service before self. Excellence in all you do.)
And he was indeed, excellent.
And my thanks as always to all of you who haved loved this country enough to serve it.
Hope your Memorial Day is wonderful.
Yesterday was our anniversary and though I always seem to forget, I'm lucky enough to have my friend, Coral (who shot our wedding) and my friend, Marilou (who shares the same anniversary) to remind me.
Just a few days prior, I said to Josh, "We aren't buying each other presents or anything are we?" with a tone in my voice that suggested that "No." would be my favorite answer. (I'm a sucky gift-buyer.)
He laughed (because he knows I'm a sucky-gift buyer) and said, "No." and instead, suggested that we write each other a letter, with one stipulation...that we had to draw a picture on the back of it (and then I added that we should write down five questions to go along with our letters/drawings.)
So he cooked dinner last night (salmon and zucchini and salad) and then we hooked the kids up with a Disney movie, so we could sit outside on the front porch, eating dinner, having a few drinks and reading our letters, with only a few interruptions from Courtney Lee and Yans, who snuck out the back door to spy on our front porch 'date.'
Josh's picture was from us swimming in Santorini.
And my picture (I had to Google how to draw a dolphin and an airplane.) was a collage of a several things, including an airplane (We met on an airplane.) and a ship named "Kismet." (The day before meeting Josh, I told Karen Burniston - who I still love and adore, even if we haven't talked in eons - that I had zero interest in dating. Yawn if you're already heard this story. So when I told her about meeting Josh on the plane, she called it "Kismet." And then a few months later, we went on a trip to the beach and happened across a ship named, "Kismet.)
And then he snuck in a batch of brownies without me realizing it (and gave the kids the green light to grab some spoons and the batter bowl to eat while they watched their movie) and we fell asleep watching Last of the Mohicans.
Totally my kind of an anniversary. (Good food, good drinks and no gift-giving.)
P.S. Our wedding photos are here, here, here, here and here.
Yesterday, I heard Annie ask Cole if he wanted to play "Handsome & Gretel" with her. (That has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I just didn't want to forget it.)
I was working in my office the other day and since my desk sits with a perfect view into Annie's room, I saw her in there coloring, and the light (Oh, the light!) was so beautiful, I could hardly stand it.
So I grabbed my camera (which I hadn't used in weeks) and started shooting.
But I couldn't capture with my camera what I was seeing with my eyes.
And that bothered me.
A lot.
And so I went to that place in my mind. That place I've gone to since I was a little girl. That place where I'm really hard on myself. That place where I say really cruel things - words so cruel (and usually so untrue) that I would never even consider saying them to another person, but somehow, I don't even don't even blink an eye at saying them to myself.
"How can you call yourself a photography teacher if you can't even take a good shot yourself?"
"How can your students trust you?"
"You're a total fraud and eventually everyone is going to know it."
And so I put my camera down and retreated back to my office to work, beause that is the one thing I have taught myself that I am consistently good at.
I'm a really good worker.
So good that I hide behind it.
I think it started in Jr. High. My parents divorced and I went from getting straight A's, being the President of my class and being involved in every single sport the school had to offer, to failing just about every subject, making a plethora of bad choices and being the butt of a variety of jokes amongst kids that used to be my friends.
I was a babysitter during that time too and though I probably wasn't all that great at actually 'watching' kids, I was extremely good at cleaning the houses of the people I was babysitting for. So good that everyone wanted me to babysit for them because they knew they'd come home to a sparkling clean house.
It was just a distraction for me though because I was learning that if I kept myself occupied with work, that I could avoid thinking about the things that were bothering me at the time - and as an added bonus, everyone kept telling me how good I was at what I was doing.
And High School was even more painful, but I worked at a greeting card shop in the mall and rather than stand behind the register in between customers, where I felt suffocated by my thoughts, I'd go out into the store to incessantly dust and clean and organize the shelves and create displays. And because of my performance, my employers constantly told me that I was the hardest working teenager they had ever met.
And so work became the only place in my little world where I didn't feel like a failure.
The only place where I didn't feel like the brunt of someone's jokes.
The only place where I walked with my head up high.
And then I escaped to another town for college where no one knew me and I poured myself into getting really good grades so that everyone around me would notice what a good student I was instead of noticing that I was a single mom on welfare.
And it just went on like that.
After college, it was my goal to be the best hygienist any doctor had ever worked with.
So I did the same thing in every office - I worked desperately to keep everyone's attention on how good of an employee I was out of fear that if I let my guard down even for a second, that they might see what I feared to be the truth - that I was a joke.
And when I met my husband on that plane out of Atlanta, Georgia more than eight years ago, my greatest fear was that if I talked too much or let him in too close that he'd eventually see through my disguise as well.
One of his favorite jokes at the time centered around a guy and a girl meeting each other and on their third date, the girl would say, mid-conversation, "Suuuuuuuuuuuurprise...I'm craaaaaaaaaaaazy!"
I always laughed at the punch-line, but secretly, I was afraid that I was eventually going to become the brunt of that joke too.
And my current job has been no different.
I somehow think that if I can be the best photography teacher that any of you have ever had and that if I can consistently keep posting better and better photos on my blog, and I if I can just keep everyone off of my scent for a little while longer, that I can buy myself enough time to become this great person that I've always wanted to become.
My sister is probably reading this right now with her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, because this is just not something she understands. Because I got the 'messy' genes and she did not. (But I got the gene that makes my hair grow faster and thicker, so I guess it was a fair trade-off.)
So I know that some of you will read this and not understand it because you're just not this messy.
And I know that some of you who care about me will read this and sympathetically think, "Maybe I need to email Karen and suggest some meds???"
But I also know that some of you are going to 'get' this because its your story too, only with slightly different details.
And you are why I'm writing this.
Shortly after I took this photo of Annie, she messed up on what she was coloring and started crying because, "It wasn't perfect anymore." (I can't tell you how many times this child has walked up to the hostess of a restaurant, with tears in her eyes, asking for another coloring sheet because she had messed up on her first one and wanted another, so she could make it perfect this time.)
And Courtney struggles every day with what she thinks other people think about her.
So one day, I hope Annie and Courtney Lee will see that I wrote this for them too.
I was driving home last night and couldn't get my eyes off the sunset sky.
It was this crazy shade of pink and it left this longing in me that I can't quite explain. (And I know that pink skies are created by pollution, but that is just even more proof to me that God can take anything bad and turn it into something beautiful.)
Just this longing to be free (once and for all) from all this striving and all the energy it takes to never be ok with who I am.
To just treat myself with at least the same level of kindness that I try to treat others with.
And to know that having shortcomings mixed with strengths is not a condition that is somehow unique to me...because shortcomings mixed with strengths is the human condition.
And that as long as am exerting all of my energy on what I am not, that no one (myself included) can fully experience what I am.
I had written down this quote awhile back and had completely forgotten about it until I came across it again today. Only today, it hit me in a totally different way than it had before:
"I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see." - Douglas Pagels
Love to you all - but some extra love going out to you messy girls.
After the Color Run, Ross went back to his apartment and the rest of us hung out at my sister's, eating pizza and watching cable.
Then we met up again later at Ross's place.
He moved in with a roommate a few months back and as we got near his apartment (I hadn't been there before.) I kept thinking to myself, "How does a 21 year-old get to live in such a nice area?"
Seriously...he lives right on Lake Stevens.
They even have a tetherball at the apartment complex where he lives.
And tons of flowers. (Annie's dress is like floral camouflage.)
And this is the view right out his back door.
That last shot was just way too funny to delete.
Yep, there's a dock too. (If you look really closely at the last shot, you can see dog poo on the bottom of Josh's shoe and him realizing it in the next shot - which sent Cole running because he knows his dad well enough to expect to be chased with dog poo.)
I finally scrubbed that tattoo off of her face last night, after she wore it for a week.
And then we went out for dinner.
Yans shot that last picture of my sister (and she was quite proud of herself.)
Love you Roscoe-T.
Woke up Sunday morning to a dreary/overcast day and a house full of sick/cranky kids (Happy Mother's Day to me!) and got ready to head downtown for the Color Run.
This was the sick one (but he decided at the last minute that he wanted to run anyhow.)
And this was the cranky one (but thankfully, he turned into his regular, charming self in no time at all.)
That one was neither sick, nor cranky - just cute.
That's us, dancing just a few minutes before the race got underway.
And that's us, doing a really cheesy (but fun) conga.
I think there were about 7500 runners (We were at the end of the pack.) that were being released in five-minute heats.
We talked in advance about staying together during the race (since it was Mother's Day and since I had carried these two in my womb and all.)
But just a short while into the race, Coley took off like a rabbit, weaving his little, skinny body in and out of people. And not to be outdone by his little brother, Ross took off behind him, leaving me (and my slow, chunky butt) to do the Mother's Day Color Run by my lonesome.
I put my iPhone in a plastic, Ziplock bag (because the colored powder can damage cameras/electronics) in the hopes of getting a few good shots during the run, but the combination of sweat, chaos, clouds of colored powder and a cell phone (that I barely know how to use) wrapped in a plastic sack proved to be too much for this girl to overcome. (And who in the heck would I take a picture of anyhow since I was running by myself???)
These are the kinds of shots I would have loved to have gotten...but did not.
Turns out Cole had stopped to take a break midway through the race (so Roscoe-T finished before both of us) but about 1/2 a mile before the finish line and just as I started to fret with mother-induced mental-images of my 12 year old son getting lost amongst the sea of 7500+ people all wearing the same white t-shirt (which then of course turned into mental-images of my 12 year old being abducted and all the information the cops would have to go on was that the perpetrator was wearing a white t-shirt that said, "The Color Run" on it.) I heard Coley call out, "Mom!"
And so we finished the race together before meeting up with Ross, who was waiting near the finish line for us.
Hope your Mother's Day was wonderful.
Saturday was one of those days when shooting felt (oh) so good.
Started out with a lazy morning up in Seattle at my sister's house...
And then Roscoe-T showed up. (He lives about 20 minutes from my sister's house.)
His car has been leaking oil for months now. (That has absolutely nothing to do with the story here...it just explains why they were looking under the hood in that last shot.)
And he brought his long board with him. (Ross is neither a skater, nor a thug - despite what the shirt and the board might suggest.)
And then we loaded up in the car.
Grabbed some coffee (and hot chocolates.)
And headed into downtown Seattle to pick up our race packets for the Color Run (which we ran on Sunday.)
And then we took some pictures while Josh drank a beer.
And then we grabbed some lunch.
And ate it outside by the water fountain (while my sister and I repeatedly reminisced about taking Ross to the same water fountain when he was three.)
And then we got on the monorail.
And made a quick pit-stop by Staples (because my memory card was full and all of my other memory cards were back at my sister's house.)
And then we found a really long, gray hair in the back of Cole's head. (I told him I'd never make him do chores or homework again since apparently, his life is currently so stressful that he's sprouting gray hairs at the ripe old age of 12.)
And then we went in search of the new, Seattle Great Wheel.
And then we waited in line to ride the new, Seattle Great Wheel.
And then we paid (I'm embarrassed to admit) over $80 for the bunch of us to ride the new, Seattle Great Wheel.
And while it was cool, it was certainly not $80 worth of cool.
And then Yans got a quick ride on a ferris wheel (and looked completely miserable the entire time she was on it.)
And then we made our way to the Seattle Underground Tour (which cost about as much as the Great Seattle Wheel.)
The Underground Tour was worth every penny though.
And then we walked for what felt like 14 (million) miles back to the Monorail.
All through downtown Seattle.
And got enticed by the blue trees (which unfortunately lead us directly into a very odiferous Cannabis Freedom rally.)
And then we got back on the Monorail once again.
And then we made our way back to my sister's house (but I was done shooting by then) where we made chips and guacamole and shrimp tacos that we washed down with the best margherita(s) I've ever had before calling it a night.
Will share our race photos tomorrow.
Just trying to tackle one thing at a time right now and today, that means trying to get caught up with my inbox and trying to get a little editing out of the way. (Thanks for not giving up on me.)
We left town on Friday to spend Mother's Day weekend up in Seattle with Ross (my 21 year old) and my sister. (Courtney Lee stayed behind so she could spend Mother's Day with her mom.)
We picked up an order of fish tacos (for me) and a peanut butter sandwich on a croissant (for Annie) from Circle J in Grants Pass, because us girls couldn't make it any further than 30 miles from home without being hungry enough to gnaw our legs off.
The boys were holding off for hamburgers in Roseburg though, where unbenkownst to us, there was a biker rally going on, which gave us a few minutes to check out some cool bikes while the boys waited for their order to come up...
And then we got back on the road again, where Coley got the very back of the car to himself.
And Annie got the second row of seats to herself. (And she was kind enough to put some tape over that incredibly-cute, but incessantly-yacky little mouth of hers.)
And then a quick stop for some frozen yogurt.
Before piling up in the car again for our final stretch of the trip. (We didn't get to my sister's house until 2:00 a.m.)
Lots more photos to share, so I'd better get back to editing.
Seems like I so regularly come back to this place where I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, working all day long, but getting nowhere.
Can't seem to keep up with my inbox.
Can't seem to complete any projects.
Can't seem to keep up with this house.
Can't seem to keep up with this blog.
Can't seem to get to the bottom of my to-do list.
And on and on (ad nauseum.)
And if I hadn't already been in this place so many times before, I might fear that it would never end (but it always does.) And I might worry that I was losing the last of my marbles (but I'm not.) And I might fret that the people I love the most would give up on me (but thankfully, they never do.)
And I feel bad for not being here with you guys, but it just feels impossible to be here, when I'm there (in that place.)
So I will be there until I'm not there anymore.
And then I'll be here again.
I promise.
Oh, and for some reason, I can't quit looking at old photos of Cole and Courtney. (How in the world those two have no genetic connection, but look so much alike is beyond me.)
And one last (important) thing...
Looks like all of the donations you guys made to the Pregnancy Center via Paypal a few weeks ago were returned. Long story, but their website was under construction when those donations were made and as a result of that (and some other technical stuff that my pea-brain can't understand) the Pregnancy Center was unable to access the donations and therefore, the donations were returned to the people who made them.
Thankfully, they've got a brand-new website up and running now and I've got my fingers crossed that everyone who previously made a donation will see this post and resend their donations. (Just click here to access the new website and then hit the yellow "Donate" button on the right hand side of the screen.)
Thanks a ton for taking the time to do it again.
I should start off by saying that I'm not thrilled to post these photos.
I took them back in February 2012 after Josh got back from Afghanistan.
Just a few days prior, I had received both of my cameras (a Nikon D700 and a Nikon D7000) and all of my lenses (Nikons 35mm f1.4G, 85mm f1.4G 24-70mm f2.8 and a 70-200mm f2.8) back from Nikon. (I sent them all in for cleaning and calibration.)
And in all of the excitement surrounding Josh's homecoming, I never even considered the fact that Nikon would reset both of my cameras to the manufacturers default settings, which meant that I would shoot all of our vacation photos as JPEGs. (I normally shoot RAW images and because of that, I tend to slightly overexposed my images because I think my RAW images look best when I very slightly overexposed them and then decrease their exposure in Adobe Lightroom.)
For most of the trip, this wasn't a huge problem because I overexpose my RAW images so slightly, that I was still able to recover them even though I shot them as JPEGs. However, I ran into some big problems on Day Three of our vacation because it was extremely overcast (which increases constrast, making whites whiter and darks darker, while creating dull, muddy skin tones) and that combined with the white sweatshirt Annie was wearing and my slight overexposure, was a recipe for some pretty nasty looking shots, despite my best efforts to salvage them in editing.
So I posted the first few days of our trip here and here, but then I just wasn't feeling motivated enough to edit the rest of them because I wasn't happy with how they looked in the first place and because truth be told, I was much more interested in spending time with my husband than in trying to edit a bunch of photos.
But I'm going to post them now because:
1. Despite the image quality, they were some pretty great memories.
2. I haven't taken out my camera since our Spring Break trip, so I have nothing else to share.
3. I don't think my imperfection is any great secret.
So all of that said, I give you the (less than stellar) photos from our third day in Camp Pendleton, which was spent at the zoo...
Yes, that's me (on the left) getting ready to do a backwards flip, thank-you-very-much.
And then we ate tacos at the best taco joint I have ever eaten at in my entire life.
Where Annie spent a few minutes in time-out. (I can't remember why.)
And then we drove back to Camp Pendleton (where we were staying) just in time to brush our teeth and hit the sack.
Will be back with Day Four soon.
I still haven't picked up my camera since Spring Break (and I'm ok with that) which means I'm back to posting older stuff that never made its way to Blogland.
These ones were taken at my Uncle Donnie's place back in July when my Aunt and cousins came to visit...
The kiddos were trying to damn up the creek to make a swimming hole.
And eating lunch.
And catching crawdads.
And goofing off.
And hanging out.
And resting.
And greeting Roscoe-T, who was late to join us.
And these last few shots were taken by my cousin, Jesse...
He was really excited about photographing things like ripples in the water and sweat beads on his Pabst.
And that last one (of me and my mom) is my favorite by a long shot. (Thanks Jesse Ray.)
