My life...just not on the road I expected (but it's still dang good).

My Go-To-Guy

The thing about learning to use a new camera (I rented a Canon 7D while all my Nikon gear is getting serviced) is that it forces you to shoot things you might not otherwise shoot.

And that's a good thing for a girl like me who doesn't shoot a whole lot of portrait-style shots of her kids.

But it's a bad thing for an 11 year old boy would would rather be up in his room playing Legos...

Have I mentioned how that mole on his left cheek makes me want to kiss his face off?

He started texting his brother while I was trying to figure out how to change some settings on the camera.

Thanks for always being my go-to-guy when I need a cooperative subject Coley - you're the best.

And just because I don't want to forget...Cole lost ten teeth since Halloween. In fact, I think he lost three in one day just a couple of weeks back. Too bad the Tooth Fairy doesn't visit un-believers.

It was a bad time to quit believing Coley.

And to answer a few questions:

1. You can clean the sensor on your camera yourself (to remove dirt and debris) but I always send it in to have it done professionally as I've heard one too many stories of people damaging their image sensor while trying to clean it themselves.

2. Some cameras allow you to adjust the focus on each of your lenses (if needed) in order to achieve the sharpest focus possible. This is usually referred to as 'micro-calibration' or 'autofocus fine-tuning', but other cameras require you to have it done professionally. I just figured since I was already having my sensors cleaned that I'd go ahead and have them adjust all my lenses as needed.

3. I recommend sending your gear into the manufacturer for this kind of stuff since they have techs who are trained specifically for your brand of gear. (So I sent my stuff in to Nikon.) Just make sure you insure the box you ship your gear in based on the NEW retail prices of the gear, just in case the box were lost/stolen.

4. I'll be sure to let you all know what I think of the Canon 7D after my two-week rental is up.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...Reading your journaling this morning was exactly what I needed. Seems like you always manage to send it when I'm really needing to feel connected to you. I don't know how you mange to do that ever time, but you do. I love you.

All Thumbs

I shipped both of my cameras and all my lenses in to Nikon for cleaning and calibration yesterday.

And because I didn't want to be without a camera, I rented one.

A Canon 7D and a Canon 50mm f1.2.

Yes, Canon. 

And I guess it doesn't matter that I shot Canon for over 10 years prior to the last three years of shooting Nikon...because I couldn't take a good shot with it to save my soul. (Granted, it just arrived this evening and I only had about 20 minutes to shoot with it while simultaneously trying to read the camera manual and referee an ongoing argument between my kids.)

And trust me, it has nothing to do with the camera (It's a lovely camera.) and everything to do with the person operating it.

I feel like I'm all thumbs.

Like I don't even know how to shoot.

And no, I'm not switching back to Canon. I just wanted some time to familiarize myself with the Canon 7D since it's a camera that I recommend so frequently to my Canon-shooting students.

And besides, switching camera brands (again) is considered grounds for divorce in my house.

So it looks like I'm a Nikon-girl for life.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I promise to send back the Canon (after I've loved on it for awhile.)

Lunch With Cole

For the last two years in a row, the kids got new lunchboxes for Christmas along with 'coupons' valid for two lunch dates; one with me and one with Josh Downs.

Coley redeemed his Lunch-Date-With-Mom on Friday.

Mexican food of course.

And a Shirley Temple (with extra cherries) to wash it down with (because on special lunch dates like these, I temporarily abandon my role as nazi-sugar-moderator to my kids, and expertiment with spiking their blood-sugar as high as I can instead.)

Come to mama you hot little Mexican Pizza.

This year, I decided to bring along a little questionnaire that I threw together - just for fun.

1. What do you think your best personality trait is?

loyal

2. What do you think your worst personality trait is?

anger

3. If you could have a different name, what would it be?

Coltin

4. What's your favorite memory?

being baptized

5. What's your favorite Bible verse?

When Jesus is praying and says, "If this cup can be taken from me, please take it."

6. If you could pick one super-human power, what would it be?

flying

7. What's your favorite thing about each person in our family?

Dad is a good guy, mom is forgiving, Annie is fun, Courtney  is creative and Ross is a good look-outer-forer (I guess that means Ross looks out for him.)

8. What do you want to be when you grow up?

creator/engineer

9. What's one thing you've done that you wish you could change?

not doing my home/schoolwork

10. On a scale from 1-10 (10 being the coolest) how cool is your mom?

10!!!

And after our bellies were full, we decided to stop by the toy store and an antique store. (Fair is fair.)

And then we hit the coffee shop for desert. (See what happens when you give your mom a 10!!! rating?)

 I even let him skip school for the rest of the day.

Here's the photos from our lunch date last year.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...The kids are already planning their lunch dates with you.

Ice Skating in Ashland

We went ice-skating in Ashland a few weeks back.

It was me, Ross, Cole, Annie, my sister, my Aunt Alicia and my little cousins (along with a couple of their significant others.)

Aidara (on the left) was one of those significant others and Chooch (second from the right) was the other.

That's my Aunt Alicia, with a couple of her kiddos in the background.

And that of course is my littlest (with my sister.)

Like her mama, she's a little haphazard on the ice and requires supervision.

My cousin Sammy.

Roscoe-T and his Aunt Lee Lee.

And Coley too.

Even though none of us are any good at ice-skating, we love it.

Probably because it's so much fun to watch people fall down.

Some guy to my left totally bit the dust right as I took that shot. (Don't miss my sister's expression in the background.)

But then some big bully (named Jesse Ray) always goes and spoils the fun by hurting one of our own. (He knocked his sister down hard enough to make her eyes well-up.)

And the whole thing seemed like a great photo opportunity to me, but then again, I'm lacking in social skills so what do I know?

Love you Shell.

My sister took the camera after that, but was kind enough to capture this little series of shots for me...

And I was kind enough to capture this litte series of shots for her in return...

And then some stranger was nice enough to shoot this one for us right before we called it a day.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...Annie is insisting that she can't turn six until you get home because she wants you to be here for her party (and I'm thinking she just might be onto something.)

Notes From Josh

Before he left, Josh wrote a bunch of little notes and put them in a jar for us.

One for each day he would be gone.

And every single one of them says something different.

We got a few days behind on the notes, so the kids got to draw a few extras on Saturday.

Once they're read, they go into a big bowl so I can save them. (You know...in case I ever scrapbook again.)

Let me translate that chicken-scratch for you...It says, "I've got a family sized hole in my heart."

And here's a few of my favorites...

"I'm proud of you."

"When I get home we're goin' fishing."

"I feel like a fortune cookie writer."

"Go Downs." (Because our last name is Downs of course...even mine...I just never told you guys that because I didn't want things to get all confusing.)

"Dance Pilgrim."

"Your job is tougher than mine." and "Go Beavs."

"Show God's love."

"The good Lord & a gun." (Lyrics from one of Josh and Cole's favorite songs.) and "Stand tall."

"Today is what you make it."

"God and I love you."

"To be or not to be." and "4444" (because I had slight OCD problems when I was a kid and would neurotically count everything in 4's...ironically, I started doing it in the 4th grade...and I am still a bit crazy about the number.)

The kids are particularly fond of the notes that direct me to take them somewhere/buy them something.

That one says, "Who wants to go to a movie?"

"I'm with you."

My newly-made table-runner (made out of vintage hankies) made for a nice backdrop, eh?

And that one said, "Who wants a pony?"

And that's the face I got when I told her we weren't getting a pony.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...It feels so good to finally start seeing the bottom of that jar.

Don't You Ever

Someone's pretending to be me on Facebook.

And clearly we're dealing with a crazed-lunatic here, because anyone with even a smidge of sanity would pick someone way cooler than me to pose as on Facebook

And feel free to use my name falsely and post images of my children in your profile pictures...but don't you ever post that Twilight is my favorite book again. 

And I'm only sharing this because it appears that quite a few of my past students and people that I know from this blog have signed up as friends or are waiting to be added as a friend - so I just wanted give you a heads up.

Sorry for any confusion, but in the future, just know that if I join Facebook, or Flickr, or Pinterest or Twitter, that I'll be sure to mention it here so you all know it's really me.

And I'll use the code-word "snuffleupagus" just so you'll know for sure.

But hey, while you're at it 'Karen' - would you mind throwing in a load or two of laundry? I'm totally out of clean pajamas.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...Thanks for the bullet-pointed email - that's so like you. (And I mean that in a good way.)

Holy Sh*t, I Think I Finally Get It

Sorry for the inappropriate title of this post - it just felt like the only appropriate title.

I'm not on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest, so it's quite possible that I was the last person on the planet to hear this quote:

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes selves with everyone else's highlight reel."

One of my students (Thanks Hillary!) was kind enough to share that with me.

 And while my brain has known that for a long time, my heart just simply hasn't been able to grasp it.

In fact, my husband has been saying similar things to me for years.

I forget where we were at the time, but Josh and I were somewhere, doing something  a year or so back when I spotted this mom who looked like she was about my age and though I couldn't hear specifically what she was saying, I could hear the tone in her voice as she talked to her kids and I just remember it being so calm and soothing and she seemed to be enjoying her kids so much that I immediately began chastising myself about the fact that I didn't have the same calm, soothing tone in my voice and because I didn't feel like I was enjoying parenting nearly as much as she was either.

I began to tell Josh what I was thinking and he cut me off mid-sentence with his laughter and then he proceeded to tell me that a few minutes earlier, the same mother had caught his attention as well...

Because she was cussing at her kids.

And then yesterday, I heard about this article which has apparently been shared on Facebook 256K times. (Does that really mean 265,000 times or am I just misunderstanding Facebook abbreviations because I'm not on Facebook?)

It was the same student who shared it with me. (Thanks again Hillary!)

I read it while my kids were fighting over who hated scrambled eggs the most.

And then I read it again.

And then I shared it with my mom and Cole (since he was the only one who had finished getting ready for school.)

And then I read it again.

And then I read it aloud to Josh Downs via Skype.

And every time, I would laugh in the exact same spot (where she talked about how much she liked the kid that was peeing in the corner) and I could feel my voice crack in the exact same spot (where she talks about how most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity) and I could really feel it resonating with me in the exact same spot each time as well (when she talks about Kairos time.)

And I remember reading something else recently about a mom who was standing in the produce section at the grocery store and was having a long debate in her head in regards to broccoli because the organic broccoli was $4 a head and the regular broccoli was $1.50 a head and she felt too guilty to buy the organic broccoli because her family was on a tight budget, but she knew that if she bought the regular broccoli, that with each fork-full of broccoli florets her kids lifted to their mouths, she'd be plagued with pesticide-induced guilt.

In fact, I had that same long debate in my own head yesterday when I stopped by the coffee shop so I could surprise my kids with three hot chocoloates after school; I wanted to do something special for them, but I couldn't stop beating myself up for filling their little bodies with sugar.

And I've never asked him, but I can say with great certainty that my husband has never once had a debate like that play out in his head.

No, I think it's just something that goes on inside the heads of us moms.

But this morning, I guess my heart finally caught up with my head and I was like, "Holy sh*t, I think I finally get it."

All of us moms are fighting the same fight. 

And sure, the fight may look a bit different, depending upon the mom - but that's only because some moms are fighting the fight in cute belts and colorful heals while the rest of us are fighting it out in our pajamas.

But it's the same fight either way.

And sure, it's a fight worth fighting - but fights are fights and fights are hard.

And I'll stop there, because there isn't anything this pajama-wearing mom could say that hasn't already been said more eloquently by that cute-belt-wearing mom who wrote the article I linked earlier. (Seriously, I don't mean to question the God of the universe here, but is it really fair that one person gets to be that cute, that funny and that eloquent? I'm just merely suggesting a little more even distrubtion of genetic blessings.)

And just so you know, these images are nothing more my 'highlight-reel' from last night...

I rented Honey I Shrunk the Kids because it was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid and none of them had ever seen it.

And then we had dinner. (Chili, cornbread and strawberries.)

And then they wrestled. (That shot looks kind of weird because I was shooting from underneath the kitchen table - but I kind of like it anyhow.)

And then the girls worked on a sewing project.

And I just realized that it's January 19th and last night was the first time I've taken my camera out since the New Year.

And I'm totally ok with that.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I love you. Really love you.

Christmas Part III

I know just the thing to liven the mood of this blog.

More Christmas photos...

We always spend Christmas afternoon at my Uncle Brad's.

That's my Uncle Brad. (He's a Duck.)

And Ross with a couple of his favorite girls. (His girlfriend Cali and my mom.)

It doesn't take much to entertain my family.

This year, all it took was a remote control helicopter.

That's my cousin Sammy trying to attack me with the helicopter. (The lights in the lower right corner are the lights of the assailing chopper.)

That's my Uncle Donnie (who you may not recognize since he doesn't have anything stuffed up his nose.)

And that's his pup, Milo who refused to look at my camera.

And that's my cousin, Jesse Ray who loves to make faces that will inevitably land him on my blog.

And that's Jesse's girlfriend, Adaira.

And that's Ross torturing Annie with his shrimp, because apparently that's what big brothers do best.

Not sure why I love that shot, but I do.

And that one too.

Oh ya, and that one too.

That's my cousin Shell and her boyfriend Chooch. (It was all of our first time meeting him and my sister was scared to death that she was going to accidentally call him Cooch.)

I love that my kids all make the same face when they open a present - doesn't matter if they're 5 or 19.

He was torturing her (sans the shrimp) in that shot too.

And as with all of our best family get-togethers, my Uncle Brad kept us entertained.

She married to him, so just imagine what she has to put up with.

And as with all our best family get-togethers, there was dancing.

Grandma Bev even got in on it (because she's good like that.)

That was a little dancing mixed in with some crazy whipped-cream toss my cousin Sammy does. (You can see the whipped cream at the very top of the viewfinder.)

And as with all our best family get-togethers, there was a little Hand-Jiving going on as well.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I think we should go dancing on 80's night at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland when you get home. Plan?!?

I Can't Crochet

I don't follow a whole lot of blogs because:

1. Reading blogs is a huge time-killer.

2. Sometimes blogs make me feel like crap.

But today, I got on the computer with the intent of checking one blog, but then I found a link to another blog that looked interesting and that lead me to a link of yet another blog and next thing I knew, three hours of my life was gone, just like that.

And I know better than to look at blogs that make me feel like crap, but that didn't stop me today. Today, I was all about reading the blogs blogged by bloggers who apparently live in pastel worlds with nothing but golden, hazy backlighting, where they serve every meal outdoors on tables adorned with fresh flowers and with chandeliers hanging from trees - all prepared by moms/bloggers whose hair falls in an array of effortless-looking curls, whose waists are small enough to be accentuated with cute belts worn over the top of quirky, but perfectly-matched blouses and sweaters - all finished off with a pair of funky, colorful heels.

And they probably even look like ladies when they walk in them.

And they probably own the best shops on Etsy.

And they probably even crochet coffee-cozies to slip over the top of their Starbucks cups.

And I was totally wallowing in jealousy as I realized it was 6:00 p.m. and that I was still in my pajamas (That way I don't have to change again before bedtime.) and that my kids still hadn't eaten dinner.

So in defeat, I loaded up my kids and took them to McDonalds, all the while guilting myself because I knew that they/the bloggers weren't sitting in the drive-through of McDonalds in their pajamas.

No, I pictured them wearing flowy, floral skirts, chasing her kids around the backyard while setting the dinner table with the sun filtering through the trees - and their husbands capturing all of it on film.

And when one of my kids complained because they wanted a 10 piece McNugget instead of a six piece McNugget, my response included a swear-word.

I'll bet they/the bloggers never swear.

They probably don't even raise their voice.

And then I locked myself in my office to gain some perspective while my kids sat downstairs eating dinner (McDonald's) by themselves.

And then I heard giggling.

And that was all it took for me to regain my perspective tonight (though I know I'll lose it again and again and again) and to walk down the stairs where I asked my kids for forgivness and then proceeded to smatter their faces with kisses until we were all giggling.

My sister asked me the other day whether or not I was going to continue writing this blog. I told her that I wanted to, but I had some hesitations:

1. Writing this blog is a huge time-killer.

2. I don't ever want my blog to make people feel like crap and at times, I'm sure it does.

At church on Sunday, our pastor talked about the fact that in order to really 'love' people, you have to be transparent - even at the risk of being hurt or having the things you share used against you later.

And though I don't think I've ever really had much of a problem with being transparent on this blog, please bare with me while I make all of us a little uncomfortable...

My life is not perfect. 

I've probably battled depression to some degree since I was a kid. Having a blended-family is hard. Josh Downs and I fought a lot before he left for Afghanistan. There are people that know me and do not like me. And sometimes when I joke about wanting to run away with the circus, there's a part of me that's not joking.

And sure, I can take pictures - but don't think for a second that they all come out the way I want them to. And I can decorate a room like nobody's business if I do say so myself - but when I do, I just start feeling pressure to make everything else in my house look equally perfect and that just leads to discontent. And yes, I'm closer to God than I've ever been - but just as I was finding Him, everything around me started to fall apart and that has left me feeling more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life.

And I don't even know how to crochet, so there will be no crocheted coffee-cozies in my future.

Apparently, I don't even know how to spell 'crochet' because spell-check just corrected it for me.

And I'm guessing some of you may have already noticed...but I'm at a really weird place right now and I'm not sure if I'm getting ready to go off the deep-end or if I'm getting ready to find real joy for the first time in my life.

But I'm betting on the latter because despite my many faults, I've got some really good qualities too and amongst them is the fact that no matter how many times I screw it up...I always try again.

That's another one of me and my sister.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I'd only run away with the circus if you you agreed to go with me.

Us Russell Girls

That shot was taken in Bonanza, Oregon, circa 1979 and I still remember it quite well.

It was the year our mom bought us red and white terry cloth running-shorts for our first ever track meet.

And the year I found out those little knocked-knees could outrun Miss Zimmerman's entire first grade class...including all the stinky boys.

My sister and I spend the last eight days together and we worked out for seven of those days (at a kick-boxing boot-camp nonetheless).

In the past, it was unheard of for us Russell Girls to spend quality-time together that involved exercising, but it looks like the times, they are a changin'.

The knocked-knees and the fact that I look like a runt standing next to my sister?...Those things are here to stay.

And if you're reading this Josh Downs...I look good in tube-socks, huh?